Just realise this is the 600th post. And going to be last post I suppose? In case anyone still comes here to visit, I have shifted to another site (aka private blog). Anyway guess blogs aren't that popular nowadays as well, ya...... Dun really know what to say, 600 posts of memories.... Life moves on, no matter how much u hate your past and yourself.
Life is about discovery and the most intricate discovery would be self discovery and realization.
Every single day, you are learning a little more about yourself, as you see yourself react to different people and situations. At many times you are surprised at yourself that you would actually react in this manner or perhaps surprised that you are not reacting at all. Friends around you further help you gain more insight into yourself as you share your experiences with them and tell them your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes, they are there to see things using their own untainted eyes.
It is also until recently that I slowly see what kind of person I am basically. Jasmine and Sze Jia put it simply as, "petty person who needs a lot of attention, TLC and pampering" but I add another "but i will make sure i am worth it" Of course this is with regards to relationship.
Different people have different approach to love and see it different. One's perception may be constantly changing, I am not too sure myself. I have seen a lot of failed relationships around me, but fortunately not enough to hit me and make me lose hope in love. Slowly, in the process, I discover what I meant by love. In my world, love equates to two person depending on each other to very much an extent. Call it the man's ego or whatever, the idea of being someone's most important person and only person whom one can rely on is just so, fulfilling, isn't it? I dun really like people with a very happy family, perhaps out of something known as envy, or perhaps it is because of not knowing how to relate or simply because such situation would not warrant an importance role of me in the person's life. It is like picking the character for my script, the perfect match of the mismatch.
But having said so much, and thinking so much, it just continues to pose threats and doubts in the present relationship. I ended up thinking if we have been using too much of rationality to think about something that is suppose to be positively irrational. Both of us. We thought too much about who we really are, what we really want, and keep forcing ourselves to conform to this analyzed made-believe. If we throw away all the, "I am someone who is", "you know i am", "i know myself, i" and start believing in what is sprouting from within the heart, I think we should let the heart decide and not let the brain control the heart. (though physiologically the brain does control the heart through para and sym pathways)
whispers..1:43 PM
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
在一首歌中听见这样的一个问题, 爱情是不是一种依赖?
我想, 喜欢一个人的时候, 生活就慢慢渐渐围绕着那一个人. 也许不是习惯上的依赖, 也
许是一种精神的依赖,寄托, 是一种生活有一个人的依赖.
这样对我我不知道是对是错. 但, 结果如果让我慢慢不再需要你的依赖时, 大概一切已晚.
原来旁观者清, 朋友指出了我一直没有办法琢磨的自己. 也许是不想那样承认的自己, 但
既然观者已说了, 也没有什么好抵赖的. 难道还成掩耳盗铃, 把自己头埋在地里的驼鸟.
今天又看清了自己. 有人告诉我不应该对自己的评价那么底, 看扁了自己. 即使知道自己
没有资格在去爱, 还是要相信爱. 我想, 这是什么道理...
whispers..12:35 AM
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Time seem to have slowed down for the past few days. Each hour, each minute seems so hard to pass.
I was right at the void deck but I didn't have the courage to call or go up. I start to question why I did not have the courage. Am I blaming myself for all that happen or I just dare not face the impending truth? I am unsure myself.
The emotions fluctuate more than the tides each day. I was happy for an hour, then sad. I was telling myself it is ok, the next moment I was falling down the bottomless pit of despair. I was strong for a while then bathed myself with melancholy the next. I told myself I can pull through, then the next moment I felt I am so weary and tired. Such ups and downs is draining..
I walked down the path recalling the numerous times we walked past this same route. I was eating the mango shaving. It tastes so shit, literally. I was forcing it down my throat and at many times I felt so like throwing out. It tasted different. The chill bit my tongue instead of stimulating me to euphoria like the last time. I realise something was missing.
I waited at the bus stop. I could see the scene on few mornings when we were waiting for bus there. It started to fade away. I find no strength to smile or laugh. My brain feels like it is dead or carrying a heavy load so heavy it doesn't wish to move. I daze and move like a zombie. I wish to sleep and just fall into slumber.
The day creep past like that. I was reminded of so many things.
whispers..10:11 PM
Sunday, November 16, 2008
领悟
我以为我会哭
但是我没有
我只是怔怔望着你的脚步
给你我最后的祝福
这何尝不是一种领悟
让我把自己看清楚
虽然那共爱的痛苦
将日日夜夜
在我灵魂最深处
我以为我会报复
但是我没有
当我看到我深爱过的男人
竟然像孩子一样无助
这何尝不是一种领悟
让你把自己看清楚
被爱是奢侈的幸福
可惜你从来不在乎
啊!一段感情就此结束
啊!一颗心眼看要荒芜
我们的爱若是错误
愿你我没有白白受苦
若曾真心真意付出
就应该满足
啊!多么痛的领悟
你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的每一步
都走的好孤独
啊!多么痛的领悟
你曾是我的全部
只愿你挣脱情的枷锁
爱的束缚任意追逐
别再为爱受苦
我以为我会报复
但是我没有
当我看到我深爱过的男人
竟然像孩子一样无助
这何尝不是一种领悟
让你把自己看清楚
被爱是奢侈的幸福
可惜你从来不在乎
啊!一段感情就此结束
啊!一颗心眼看要荒芜
我们的爱若是错误
愿你我没有白白受苦
若曾真心真意付出
就应该满足
啊!多么痛的领悟
你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的每一步
都走的好孤独
啊!多么痛的领悟
你曾是我的全部
只愿你挣脱情的枷锁
爱的束缚任意追逐
啊!多么痛的领悟
你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的每一步
都走的好孤独
啊!多么痛的领悟
你曾是我的全部
只愿你挣脱情的枷锁
爱的束缚任意追逐
别再为爱受苦
whispers..10:23 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wc said something which sets me thinking. He was extrapolating what specialty each of us would go into eventually. And when it was me, he said most likely I would come out be a GP. I looked at him for a while and realized what he said have made sense.
I have not rejected the idea of doing that and in fact I think I would prefer something like that. Away from the competition and having more time for private life. He knows and I know that I need my life. I wouldn't say I cannot spend my life in the hospital but given a chance I would definitely want a life. I want to travel, to meet up with friends, to do things I like, to go out with my loved ones, to spend time with my family. These are the things more important in life than the struggle to be the best doctor. Many guys may think it is such a whimp to think as such, but I say I am a man cos I know what I want in life.
But currently, posting is making me a little unhappy cos I didn't have time to spend with my friends and family and loved ones. As many tutors had put it, we need to sacrifice our private life for sure, but I am not going to give up my dream because of it as well. Hence, I can only pray now that my friends, my loved ones, and my family would understand the tight schedule I have now and be understanding. Yesterday was spent on home taking care of my niece cos she was feeling unwell and it made me realise how long I have not been able to spend a day at all to see her and interact with her. It makes me feel sad a little and a sorry to her as well. Let's hope this little emotional bump would be over soon and I can start running for my next posting at CGH!!
whispers..8:20 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
This week should mark the end of our busy surgery posting, at least for those at ttsh. I just had my end of posting test on wednesday. After all the bad luck with medicine eopt, surgery eopt seems a lot more friendlier to me.
I got the simplest of all and to the extent I think it didn't allow me to perform well enough case, appendicitis, pre-op somehow. Nothing much to show off, cos everybody knows about appendicitis and It is hard for me to show anything more. Anyway my two examiners were quite well known, one is known to be super nice, one is known to have been kicked out of the curriculum board because he loves to pick exotic case for students during exams. The latter almost killed me.
When I was clerking the patient, my mind was thinking how come he would give me such an insipid case, very unlike him. I think I present well and fine, got most of the points, no error, everything nice. Physical examination nothing much, just go through motion. Then when it comes to guarding he starts to show his fangs and claws.
"What do you observe when you press there?" "erm.. the patient twitched a little, because he felt pain?" "What else. What do you see in the abdomen?" "There is guarding." "Why is there guarding?" Then he gave me that darn evil smile. "When I pressed on the abdomen, I am pressing the peritoneal against the inflamed appendix which irritates the peritoneal resulting in pain and hence contraction of the muscle. This is guarding" "No... what else?" I stun. What else? I looked at him, lost. "Sorry sir, I only know this much" He smiled at me again and asked me to continue, didn't even tell me the answer....
I went back to ttsh next day and asked mr huey and hepatobiliary team's con and both of them gave me my answers. When I asked what else, they looked at me and smiled. The examiner is super anal la. I can accept if you probably know more than me and most of my tutors but you dun ask a question and dun answer it. Joyce had warned me about him, already, always asking darn weird questions which student dunno how to answer and worse still he never answers them... Sorry for sounding offensive but good thing he is out of the curriculum board, but please, get him out of the examiner board as well ba.
Busy tidying up my room, doing a lot of things while I am free now. Still need to go visit my cofm patient and do a report. But for now, need to prepare someone's present.. busy... And yes, I didn't fail medicine eopt. I kept saying I had failed and even told my mum, turned out I actually passed. Though not very high but comparable sia. I am super shocked and surprised.
Alright, got to go sleep first, need to go school tomorrow..
whispers..11:31 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2008
When I was asked to go watch vagina monologue, I only knew it was an award-winning script. I have no clues about the cast nor the producers. To me, I just want to witness how they can bring the script alive on stage and still impress me as much as the script did.
For a change, I wouldn't comment on the play itself. I am more interested about the topic itself actually, VAGINA!!
How many people are actually comfortable with saying the word "vagina"? Other than medicine students who talk about penis and vagina openly on the train, I really have no idea who else does that. Even if they do, they probably dun use this word in conjunction with morbid words like "infection", "carcinoma-in-situ" or "sqaumous cell carcinoma"
I find it hard to comprehend, well of course I would because vagina has never been a topic close to my heart, lest to say even close to my body! YES! Thus, at the end of the day, I walked out of the drama centre with a few questions bugging me:
1) Is it true that girls dun look at their vagina? I reason out that probably due to the anatomical position of the vagina that it opens downwards for things to flow out with gravity and that our eyes are found right on top, it is impossible for them to see it.
Guys can just conveniently whip their penis up and the meatus would be smiling at us with its single slit eye. You probably think it looks alien with only one eye but trust me, it would be hell of a problem trying to control people escaping through TWO emergency doors when the fire alarm went off.
So, I tried to imagine it is like asking myself to see the base of my scrotum. I pondered for a while, recall the times in the shower room and after some thoughts I concluded it is actually possible cos the scrotum is a pendulum sac. Come on, dun expect me to be able to realise this immediately when seeing the base of your scrotum is not even in the list of things you would do when you are so free and dying for boredom. I reckon more emphasis is on the penis instead though I had heard of patients coming in who had never pulled back their foreskin to wash the inside before. Gosh, guys!! Not opening your room doesn't mean you don't need to clean your room k, you know best how messy it is so dun pretend! Moreover, not as if your urine comes out from another hole.... Eventually I try to imagine it is like asking me to look at my anus... though i think it is kind of an insult(to us) to think vagina as anus cos for a bloody fact we all came out from the former and we are definitely not some bulky fibrous lumps that we passed out from the latter.
2) Is it true that young girls always feel that the vagina is a separate part and identity from themselves? Well, the fact that you can't see it and it always gives you trouble, I have no idea how most females think.
Coming from a boys school, guys start something we call masturbation early but as far as I had heard most girls dun do it. In fact up to now, I haven't met a friend who had done it. (even if they had, dun think they would have told me, and by telling them I masturbate as well just doesn't work..)So probably, they have never felt the connection with their vagina as much as boys did with their penis. It is a door handle. You don't have to teach the owner how to grab it and he can just open the gate to exuberance and thrills and fantasy and yup the list goes on. The clitoris is probably a door bell which is concealed by the leaves and twines of the creepers and probably the owner of the house doesn't even know of its existence. Who in the hell uses the doorbell to your own apartment when you have the key??!! But you definitely still need to grab the door handle to go in. =)
3) But beside not knowing the fact that there is such a doorbell to excitement and knowing it is the passage for blood to leave the body every month and that letting anything or anyone entering it needs a lot of considerations, what else do girls view their vagina as? If your vagina can talk, what would it say? I think I can still imagine the personification of vagina to this extent. If you can dress up your vagina what would you let it wear? This caught me a little... I find it extremely hard to understand the extent of this personification. I mean, if you want to dress your penis up, at your can still choose a wear a tube or at least a helmet of sort? But anatomically how can you dress up a vagina. I think it takes more than just understanding the anatomy but more of the connection of the vagina to the woman carrying it. The vagina = them, part of them, the essence of them, the spirit in them and ya... I know how to string these words but for a guy with a straight forward door handle, I still find it hard to fully comprehend that.
But if so, why do seniors from O and G posting complains of tissue papers stuck inside the vagina and yet these woman doesn't even know? I slowly conclude that the physical negligence has a reason due to its anatomically unfavourable location and orientation for housekeeping. The spiritual connection is the reason for I dun fully comprehend. It is like having feelings for the old house you grow up in but you never bother to go clean the house cos you don't live there anymore.
4) Why is there a vagina monologue and no penis monologue. Hey, talk about gender equality right, guys have feelings for our penis too alright! Probably not as strong as vagina, our miserable alien-looking door handle immediately lose out when it is merely a passage for urine and semen. The deeper meaning of a vagina lies in its role in child birth. The passage which all of us have to pass through in life, in fact the very first passage everyone passes through. (not me, cos my mum had a cesarean haha) Then for the guys, part of us passes through it again years later and the cycle continues.
Probably due to the its sacred role, vagina becomes something more than just a doorbell and a door. To the girls, it carries more meaning, warranting names such as the blackhole, bermuda triangle etc because they are carrying something so sacred with them and the fear and anticipation is suffocating. To guys like us, it is something more simple. Just respect it cos you would never feel as much for it as the girls do. Respect the things you dunno. =)
whispers..11:41 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Jasmine and I had once discussed about the topic on the approach to friendship generally from the guys' and the girls' point of view. We agreed the approach is different. For the girls, they can call each other everyday, chat online and are not too concern about going out. The guys generally dun talk on phone, dun chat online with each other a lot but make it a point to go out with friends on a regular basis. In summary, girls talk, guys do activities to bond together.
Of course this could just be an over-generalization.
I remembered I always blogged about how nice it is to have a bunch of friends who would be in your life, together with you till the end. I still remember the movie Sex and the City when (I forgot both her names), it was snowing so heavily and one called the other asking if she was free to accompany her on Christmas eve. She immediately rushed out and braved the snow to spend christmas eve with her. Shows like this, and friends and many more would often touch my heart not because of anything but the friendship. I don't believe that is "fairytale" cos I sincerely believe in friends forever.
Lately I kept asking myself, what could be wrong? What went wrong? It could simply be that all these while we were never as close as I thought we are. Or it could just be something which I had done? Perhaps it is just a changing phase in life which make them realise this group of people are no longer important in their lives. Otherwise, it could just be the "JC" syndromes of individualism and incapability to comprehend brotherhood and dun see a need for it. With regards to this, after much interaction with people from all works of life (though there would be sampling error), poly people are generally more sincere, loyal and truthful to friends. To put it in another way, they do not have other needs to pursue such that they have to give up brotherhood. They are just simple people who enjoy spending time with their friends. Sometimes I wish, I could be just as simple.
Not being noble but I often search my own soul and find my own mistakes before pointing my fingers at others. I keep searching for answers, for what I had done wrong. I came up with some hypothesis which I could not verify. This group has an inherent problem all along. We only go out and do things, there is no more interactions beyond this level because everyone is just uneasy in sharing personal things. Everything was superficial. Such bonding is probably weaker than van der waals forces. This is hypothesis 1.
It could be something which I finally told everyone after so many years and even though they didn't react much, but a barrier was built ultimately. This is hypothesis 2.
Hypothesis number 3. There is no girls. As seen in most show, those best friends were either all girls or a mixture of guys and girls. I dun really see a logic behind this but perhaps girls are considered more affectionate and hence would act as a buffer in the group of guys who just couldn't be bothered about a lot of things. We tried. Bringing girls in, bringing your girlfriends in. It just didn't work. Probably because we were from boy's school, inability to connect with girls.
The last hypothesis was the most probable yet the last which I would accept as a reason. No time. Sometimes I really wish to just state two simple facts. Firstly, I am the first one to enter uni and of all the busiest med fac, yet I always made time for the past 2 years until you guys enter uni now. I admit that 2 weeks prior to major exams I would be missing but that's all. Fact number 2: I was also attached but I always appear for outings. It had never compromised on anything. Perhaps it is wrong to impose my own principle on others quoting one of the guys. If it is really true, I really have nothing to say.
I hate to admit this but kai xin ren are really so much nicer people. Perhaps it is also an inherent thing that they have the capacity to fully treasure and appreciate friendship. They were the ones who would come comfort me and ask me out for a chat or drink or something when I was down. Though I always felt weird in the group but I am very touched by their friendship and commitment. A wide range of ages, from studying to working, to working in different lines, they would come together every weekends to watch movie, eat and chat. Lately, I was obliged to leave due to personal matter. But they had showed me that friendship can be just so simple. It is not about networking, not about whether you are of use to me, not because you are good looking, not because you are rich, not because I have to, but simply just because you are my friend.
whispers..12:22 AM
Friday, September 26, 2008
There is a big difference between talking to a sick patient compared to talking to a terminally ill patient. It is a totally different thing when you see a patient's vital signs diminishing right in front of you and die.
I always find myself a little challenged emotionally whenever I spoke to patients who have cancer in their last stage. "The doctor says I have 1 year to live only"; I would be loss for words for a moment, not really knowing what should be the most appropriate thing to say. Perhaps not saying anything is the most appropriate. So I would just usually look at them and listen to them. Almost naturally, I would stretch out my hand to hold theirs and hopefully they can sense whatever I had wanted to say which words cannot express. This is how I express my feelings, though at many times I wonder if it is just as appropriate. However, I reckon at least it can be considered as a form of comfort.
Most of them are already in the acceptance stage. They don't resist, sometimes they do complain a little they had decided all decided to leave everything to god's will. At times like this, human beings become very spiritual. Because they realise they can no longer have any control over their lives. When you cannot control it, you leave it to the higher power. This is human behaviour, this is human nature.
I know what to expect since the day I decided to join this path, though along the way I had realised there are many other things which I have not anticipated but nonetheless they were just some pebbles and stones and occasionally molehill. I wouldn't deny initially I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy with talking to patients with terminal diseases. Given a chance I may want to go to the hospice to learn how to interact with them. I am expecting their reactions to be diverse, but because of sampling technique, I only get to talk to a certain population of them of whom are those who are already in the expectance phase. Those who choose to escape from the truth and still in the denial and anger phase would just naturally have rejected my request to talk to them. This group of patients were left untouched.
Just as I slowly gained the confidence and comfort of talking to them, last night I realise for the first time how it feels like to be in close contact with death. Many people die everyday in the hospital outside the hospital, everywhere. We watch TV serials and movies expecting every show to have at least one person dying, be it because the actor's contract was terminated prematurely or the actor got into some problems. Whatever the case is, what i am trying to drive at is, death is so common, it is around us. If you are living in the neighbourhood, every other day you will see funeral going on at the void deck.
I had seen patients passing away in the wards, I had seen people dying right on the spot after trying to be spiderman or superman few seconds before they hit the ground. But last night was the first time I was involved in the resuscitation process and saw a life slipping away right in front of me as I was trying to pump her heart. I know it sounds darn drama. The ambulance came, we went out to transfer the patient in. Airway, breathing and circulation were being managed immediately. Sze jia was asked to start CPR. I stood there watching, lost for a moment what they were going to do next. The ECG show the complexes appearing with every pump on the chest by szejia's hands. When she stopped to check, the complexes disappeared. She continued. Fatigue set in and I took over. I saw the complexes appearing in rhythm to my pumping. My head bob up and down in the sea of despair as I pressed on the patient's chest. She had collapsed and we couldn't get her heart pumping at all. My stethoscope started swinging left and right like a pendulum. Everything is in concord and rhythm, my head, my stethoscope, my pumping and the ECG complexes. A thumper was called in to take over manual pumping. Everyone seems so calm and indifferent. The staff nurse came back with 3 strips of white cloth and a bag of white garment. The thumper was pumping away with the rhythm, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, then 2 breaths of air, then 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 2 breaths of air, 1, 2, 3.... We stood and watched not knowing what to expect when apparently everyone there had already known what would be the outcome. All could be done had been done. The patient was brought in too late and had past the critical time when resuscitation is more possible. The thumper was asked to be stopped after evaluation by the senior doctor there. Everything came to a stop at that moment. I guess I was really slow. I was still asking myself why did they stop? As we were helping the staff nurse to wrap out the body, I realise what that bag of white garment was for. For the first time obviously, we helped to wrapped the body up nicely. It was cold and clammy. Life is absent from it. The coroner was informed and the patient's family as well. Later the "3 long 2 short" was brought it to transfer the body to the mortuary.
I wonder how Sze jia can stay so calm, but as a guy I feel that if she can do it, I shouldn't be showing too much emotions. The guy's ego. It is different from seeing a dead body in front of you or a patient dying in the wards or someone who died at the site of accident. There is no fear, just pure sadness and disappointment with a tinge of guilt. I wasn't too affected fortunately, otherwise I may really have to consider changing my career path. But it was really an experience for me, a weird feeling that I have never experienced. A feeling that it seems like it is my fault yet I know it wasn't mine.
I thought I had moved on, in just a couple of weeks time. I was amazed how fast it took me. I was surprised. But seems like afterall I am just lying to myself. It was a lie, from the start.
It didn't take long for the true feelings to set in. I clinged on to a plank, treating it as a substitute. Be it formless and untrue, it was something for my emotions to hold on to. But eventually, it sank and the grand truth surfaced like a big bubble bursting in front of me. The plank is not the problem, it is the sunken ship.
I hate 16. I wish I could just sleep through it and wake up on 17 instead.
whispers..11:49 PM
Monday, September 01, 2008
It had been a crazy crazy crazy weekends....3 nights straight clubbing!! OMG
After stopping clubbing for almost a year, last friday was the first time I stepped into the place again. I wouldn't have said "home sweet home" or "sweet memories" but the feeling of going back to that place was really indescribable.
I sat there looking at the people dancing and flirting. The music was homing around me with lights flashing. It reminded me of the times back then, when I first stepped into the place, when I was just like the people down at the dancefloor. I spent an hour just looking at them. Suddenly I felt so alien to everything, just strange, so out-of-touch. In fact, I felt old for a moment, but on second thoughts, I know there were older people than me inside for sure.
Wayne was playing finger guessing with his friends. I tried once and realised how out of touch I was. I stopped, kind of felt left out of this whole club biz. How sad and how pathetic that I would end up like this. I didn't even go down to the dancefloor that night. We went to ebay after that and continued drinking. They were playing dice and everything. I sat and watched again. I started another round of observation. Familiar faces, familiar scene but alien feelings. The boss came and tried all sort of means to make me drunk. I did not resist. I ended up a little drowsy but not drunk.
Saturday night. I was out there again, second time in the row. I met more of Wayne's friends. More people to talk to, more new faces, more new friends, or maybe just.. friends..... Things still felt a little off, but much better, really. The first time after one year I hit the dancefloor again. It was great. I felt the same as before, just like one year ago. Things had changed since then but I preferred to ignore that. This group is kinda fun. I wonder if I can integrate in slowly I wonder. The link to this group is weak. But I can sense one more link forming. When opposing forces meet I wonder what will happen. I keep my fingers crossed.
Sunday night. I was out at another club. Same gang. It was crazy. Perhaps I was tired, I lost control of myself. Memories kept gushing in like a dam opening its floodgate. I danced non stop to suppress whatever was building up in me. It worked and so I continued. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop. Everything came to an end at around 4am. We left the place. It was the second time I cried so hard because of this relationship. Soon, I began laughing. I laughed at myself. A van stopped by me asking if I was ok. It was only then I realised I might be attracting some attention. I stopped. If someone can choose not to fight for what one wants, it is either the person is just like this or, the person doesn't really want it at all. I figured it out soon after. Though jasmine said it seems like I am always the one initiating all the breakups but eventually it is always me ending up being the most heartbroken.
I wonder how long it would take for the pain to stop. It is making me weak, inside and outside. I don't wish to rush things, but I want to be back on my feet soon. I know I need to and I want to do so myself.
Day 3 after production day. It is really kind of weird to say it is post production depression, cos it had never been MY production, and it would never be. I am just a passer-by in this whole production, interfering with their production only on the last two days. But the repercussions were bad, evidently manifesting for these few days. I have only one comment: I am so going to fail my end of posting test. It is so bloody affecting my mood to study!!!
Some asked me why am I so affected when I was only there for 2 days but total only slightly more than 24 hours spent with them. I told them two things. First reply was, "This was the very reason why I quited years back, though not entirely because of this reason" The second was, "Theatre is my life" It sounded familiar when these words came out from my words and I realised jasmine say that too. Life and theatre.
Can you imagine the feeling of living a life when you have given up on it. This is my life when I had given up on theatre. Jasmine is the only one by my side keeping my connections with theatre. I stood outside the circle and looked. I could only do so. I did not dare to step in, for fear of consequences I could not foresee or control. My life became one of seeing people's life. My happiness came from people's happiness when they put up a show. I tap on this energy from them. A mould, with no ability to generate such a spiritual source of energy, I can only do so.
That slightly more than 24 hours, I was given a chance to experience what I call life. I couldn't describe the exact feeling to you. But it was like giving you water to drink after you had gone without a drop of water for a week. It was like giving you food to eat after starving for a month. I would use the word euphoria, but I wonder if it is comparable with drugs usage. Perhaps it is, considering both has withdrawal symptoms.
My life ended early. In fact I told myself I shouldn't be sad. I was dead long ago. God is kind to let me live once more and experience life once again. I should be glad. I shouldn't complain. I should be contented with one day in heaven. But I couldn't stop feeling empty afterwards. I hope this would blow over soon.
whispers..9:44 PM
Monday, August 18, 2008
Ok that's it. Zebra is officially suffering from post production depression.
whispers..12:00 AM
Sunday, August 17, 2008
It has been a long time since I last felt more than alive. It was so long ago since I felt there are things in life that is much more important than anything else.
I gave up that dream years back, scurrying into the lane of comfort, conforming to conventional thoughts and workings of this rat-race life. I have never stopped blaming myself for being a coward to stand up to my belief and dreams, but I have never regretted for doing so as well.
I am someone who takes extreme measures. I never seem to accept well what we know as the gray area. Extremities are the two most contrasting thing ever which can set my mind at peace. A lost dream, a forsaken passion, hence became a forbidden taboo.
Friday night began my 24-hr tour to heaven experience after being burnt and eroded by the fire of sins for years. I called it a long lost dream which came back to me. Show is the thing which makes me feel alive. I stood on the stage and looked at the audience seats. It reminded me of the days. I danced across the stage and listened to the lum and dum when my shoes hit the wooden planks, the sound resonants within me, all the way back to the past. The lights, the air, seems to be calling to me. I felt a weird spurge of energy flowing through me. I knew it is the start of something sweet, with a bitter aftertaste.
I never thought they would need so much help from us. I never thought he would give up on them. I never thought so. If I had, I would had chosen to enter this house of sins earlier on. They were not ready. It shocked me. A calling was heard, one which told us to try to salvage whatever we can, and we did.
Saturday morning after a short 4 hour rest, I arrived at the Pearly Gates. I was held back initially. I shouldn't interfere too much. It is their show afterall. Things were bad, as bad as I had imagined. We did what we could to help. 11am he arrived. I thought from now on, I could slowly retreat back into the shadow again. But what he said shock me. A pat on the shoulder, a few lines pulled me out onto the stage bare naked unprepared. It was the same old feeling of responsibility, pressure, stress, thrill, rush, euphoria. I was cut out of the external world totally. My notes were neglected in one corner of the drama centre. The show is starting in 8 hours time and this is all the time I have to do what I can do.
I felt the stress, I felt the responsibility and I felt the energy. It was flowing through me like a sun burning. Neurons were firing rapidly, sparks flying, ideas flowing in and out waiting for me to fish them out of the stream accurately and timely. Meals became a chore. I did not stop. I went on and on and on. My phone rang but I was totally cut off. I was totally immersed in the characters, the shows, the performance. Costumes, lightings, sounds, makeup, props, stage, actors, script, one after another, problem raising, problem solving. Fortunately there were junwen and dianjun rendering their expertise as well.
I had never felt so alive and so real for so long. It went on and on and I lost track of time. Soon, I realised the show was starting. I wished I had more time. Sadness set in. Fear set in. Excitement set in. I want to watch the show but I got to rush to the next destination. I couldn't be there to see their efforts and masterpiece. I looked at the stage and each of everyone of them again. I know I am going to miss them. I so wanted to shout I love all of you but well nobody sane would do that. I wasn't that sane anyway...
Jun wen and I left for the airport, leaving with a heart that was still lingering in the air of drama centre.
I was truly happy, never that happy for so long in fact. I am happy for them. I envy them. I admire them. I hope they are treasuring everything they have now, truly.
Ivan left last night for studies. Especially after yesterday's experience in heaven, I told myself I must not let myself drop a single tear at the airport. I know I have a very chance of doing so. I dun wish to say how Ivan is as a friend to me and blah blah blah. Some things are better left unspoken, left inside the heart. 4 years may seem long, but it may be short. I know I am going to miss him a lot and that is all I need to know and do. There are things which I had wanted to say but in the end I chose not to. Perhaps it is the guy's thing to hide everything in their heart. Perhaps he knows what I am going to say? Ha. (and i suppose you would read this anyway bleah)
Seeing ivan entering the gate, I stopped myself from going to the front. Things should be kept mild and controlled I told myself. I looked around for distraction, but ended up seeing more things. Many people were leaving for studies as well. I looked at their expressions as they entered the gate. Some of them were not as calm as Ivan and I could see their emotions clearly from the forced smile. I can sense it. I looked at their friends hugging them and waving goodbye. I look at parents holding their hands, smiling to them saying goodbye. Those words, "goodbye" have never held so much impact and meaning to me before. I was still in the mode of having supreme sensitivity for emotions. You need to do so to guide the show and actors, but I am always lousy in reverting back. It proved to be fatal.
At that point of time, I start to appreciate how lucky I am that I need not be in this position cos I would never know if I can force out a smile like them. I stood back and turned around. The air is suffocating. On the other side, dianjun called to say the show had ended. It was finally over for them. And there I was at the airport, lost and battered. But at least I know I am alive, for one day. I was truly alive for one day.
whispers..8:31 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Finally I had found some time to blog a little, for fear that things may be forgotten. End of posting test is coming, next friday and saturday! I was looking through my camera just now and realise how many things I have done while I did not blog about them. Rivercruise with jasmine, my chalet, sungei buloh trip on jasmine's birthday, movies, shows, productions, friends' birthdays etc. And just like before, it always seems stupid to write a list of things and how I had felt then.
It seems as if many things have been missing from my life oh my... Had wanted to upload all the photos here but I realise facebook has a much easier way to upload all my photos.. so... all the photos had been uploaded there with stories attached to the photos. Oh well... see, I am lost for words, cos life now is juz about medicine and posting. Wait till I finish my posting next week, let's hope this blog will have more entry again!! If you have facebook do go see the photos on my sungei trip k. It is really enriching and beautiful. I brought jasmine there on her birthday celebration, and I hired national park guide to bring us around teaching us history and biology, lol. You never know how much you can learn from the nature until you are in the nature! I can be your guide next time if you are interested, lol!!
whispers..9:36 AM
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Crashing down. I feels like doing bungee or going for Genting spaceshot. The initial drop was terrible and terrifying, but as you continue to accelerate downwards the feeling became numb and hopeless. It is just so mild and calm, uneasily calm. If it is a bottomless pit, you will just drop for eternity, holding on to this calmness of despair, waiting for the moment you crash the ground...
whispers..8:20 PM
the special moments
and memories in my life
will never fade.
special people will always be in my heart,
today and forever and ever
象斑马的线条,
白天的我理智, 因为是工作的
要求
晚上的我感性, 因为是生活的
调节
这是我生活的平衡...
sidenote: Photos taken at sungei buloh singapore.
put together to depict the beauty of the nature during the 4 seasons...
