We Are All Dreamers

2009-03-04T00:12:00.003+08:00

Just realise this is the 600th post. And going to be last post I suppose? In case anyone still comes here to visit, I have shifted to another site (aka private blog). Anyway guess blogs aren't that popular nowadays as well, ya...... Dun really know what to say, 600 posts of memories.... Life moves on, no matter how much u hate your past and yourself.

Farewell....

2008-12-01T22:52:00.002+08:00

我们三个人就是典型的未恋爱, 在恋爱, 和恋爱后的过程. 一个失败的过程. 看着她似笑似哭的样子, 我内心突然只有冷了一下. 害怕了, 畏惧了, 担心了.

爱的那么辛苦, 每天是那么的难过, 我真的不知道要到哪里去寻找力量坚持下去. 很多事情也开始不受我控制. 不知道可以怎样形容我每天的日子是怎么过, 也许有如守寡吧... 我, 已无话可说.

2008-11-30T13:43:00.002+08:00

Life is about discovery and the most intricate discovery would be self discovery and realization.

Every single day, you are learning a little more about yourself, as you see yourself react to different people and situations. At many times you are surprised at yourself that you would actually react in this manner or perhaps surprised that you are not reacting at all. Friends around you further help you gain more insight into yourself as you share your experiences with them and tell them your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes, they are there to see things using their own untainted eyes.

It is also until recently that I slowly see what kind of person I am basically. Jasmine and Sze Jia put it simply as, "petty person who needs a lot of attention, TLC and pampering" but I add another "but i will make sure i am worth it" Of course this is with regards to relationship.

Different people have different approach to love and see it different. One's perception may be constantly changing, I am not too sure myself. I have seen a lot of failed relationships around me, but fortunately not enough to hit me and make me lose hope in love. Slowly, in the process, I discover what I meant by love. In my world, love equates to two person depending on each other to very much an extent. Call it the man's ego or whatever, the idea of being someone's most important person and only person whom one can rely on is just so, fulfilling, isn't it? I dun really like people with a very happy family, perhaps out of something known as envy, or perhaps it is because of not knowing how to relate or simply because such situation would not warrant an importance role of me in the person's life. It is like picking the character for my script, the perfect match of the mismatch.

But having said so much, and thinking so much, it just continues to pose threats and doubts in the present relationship. I ended up thinking if we have been using too much of rationality to think about something that is suppose to be positively irrational. Both of us. We thought too much about who we really are, what we really want, and keep forcing ourselves to conform to this analyzed made-believe. If we throw away all the, "I am someone who is", "you know i am", "i know myself, i" and start believing in what is sprouting from within the heart, I think we should let the heart decide and not let the brain control the heart. (though physiologically the brain does control the heart through para and sym pathways)

2008-11-25T00:35:00.003+08:00

在一首歌中听见这样的一个问题, 爱情是不是一种依赖?

我想, 喜欢一个人的时候, 生活就慢慢渐渐围绕着那一个人. 也许不是习惯上的依赖, 也

许是一种精神的依赖,寄托, 是一种生活有一个人的依赖.

这样对我我不知道是对是错. 但, 结果如果让我慢慢不再需要你的依赖时, 大概一切已晚.

原来旁观者清, 朋友指出了我一直没有办法琢磨的自己. 也许是不想那样承认的自己, 但

既然观者已说了, 也没有什么好抵赖的. 难道还成掩耳盗铃, 把自己头埋在地里的驼鸟.

今天又看清了自己. 有人告诉我不应该对自己的评价那么底, 看扁了自己. 即使知道自己

没有资格在去爱, 还是要相信爱. 我想, 这是什么道理...

2008-11-23T22:11:00.002+08:00

Time seem to have slowed down for the past few days. Each hour, each minute seems so hard to pass.

I was right at the void deck but I didn't have the courage to call or go up. I start to question why I did not have the courage. Am I blaming myself for all that happen or I just dare not face the impending truth? I am unsure myself.

The emotions fluctuate more than the tides each day. I was happy for an hour, then sad. I was telling myself it is ok, the next moment I was falling down the bottomless pit of despair. I was strong for a while then bathed myself with melancholy the next. I told myself I can pull through, then the next moment I felt I am so weary and tired. Such ups and downs is draining..

I walked down the path recalling the numerous times we walked past this same route. I was eating the mango shaving. It tastes so shit, literally. I was forcing it down my throat and at many times I felt so like throwing out. It tasted different. The chill bit my tongue instead of stimulating me to euphoria like the last time. I realise something was missing.

I waited at the bus stop. I could see the scene on few mornings when we were waiting for bus there. It started to fade away. I find no strength to smile or laugh. My brain feels like it is dead or carrying a heavy load so heavy it doesn't wish to move. I daze and move like a zombie. I wish to sleep and just fall into slumber.

The day creep past like that. I was reminded of so many things.

2008-11-16T22:23:00.001+08:00

领悟

我以为我会哭

但是我没有

我只是怔怔望着你的脚步

给你我最后的祝福

这何尝不是一种领悟

让我把自己看清楚

虽然那共爱的痛苦

将日日夜夜

在我灵魂最深处

我以为我会报复

但是我没有

当我看到我深爱过的男人

竟然像孩子一样无助

这何尝不是一种领悟

让你把自己看清楚

被爱是奢侈的幸福

可惜你从来不在乎

啊!一段感情就此结束

啊!一颗心眼看要荒芜

我们的爱若是错误

愿你我没有白白受苦

若曾真心真意付出

就应该满足

啊!多么痛的领悟

你曾是我的全部

只是我回首来时路的每一步

都走的好孤独

啊!多么痛的领悟

你曾是我的全部

只愿你挣脱情的枷锁

爱的束缚任意追逐

别再为爱受苦

我以为我会报复

但是我没有

当我看到我深爱过的男人

竟然像孩子一样无助

这何尝不是一种领悟

让你把自己看清楚

被爱是奢侈的幸福

可惜你从来不在乎

啊!一段感情就此结束

啊!一颗心眼看要荒芜

我们的爱若是错误

愿你我没有白白受苦

若曾真心真意付出

就应该满足

啊!多么痛的领悟

你曾是我的全部

只是我回首来时路的每一步

都走的好孤独

啊!多么痛的领悟

你曾是我的全部

只愿你挣脱情的枷锁

爱的束缚任意追逐

啊!多么痛的领悟

你曾是我的全部

只是我回首来时路的每一步

都走的好孤独

啊!多么痛的领悟

你曾是我的全部

只愿你挣脱情的枷锁

爱的束缚任意追逐

别再为爱受苦

2008-10-21T20:20:00.002+08:00

Wc said something which sets me thinking. He was extrapolating what specialty each of us would go into eventually. And when it was me, he said most likely I would come out be a GP. I looked at him for a while and realized what he said have made sense.

I have not rejected the idea of doing that and in fact I think I would prefer something like that. Away from the competition and having more time for private life. He knows and I know that I need my life. I wouldn't say I cannot spend my life in the hospital but given a chance I would definitely want a life. I want to travel, to meet up with friends, to do things I like, to go out with my loved ones, to spend time with my family. These are the things more important in life than the struggle to be the best doctor. Many guys may think it is such a whimp to think as such, but I say I am a man cos I know what I want in life.

But currently, posting is making me a little unhappy cos I didn't have time to spend with my friends and family and loved ones. As many tutors had put it, we need to sacrifice our private life for sure, but I am not going to give up my dream because of it as well. Hence, I can only pray now that my friends, my loved ones, and my family would understand the tight schedule I have now and be understanding. Yesterday was spent on home taking care of my niece cos she was feeling unwell and it made me realise how long I have not been able to spend a day at all to see her and interact with her. It makes me feel sad a little and a sorry to her as well. Let's hope this little emotional bump would be over soon and I can start running for my next posting at CGH!!

2008-10-19T23:31:00.002+08:00

This week should mark the end of our busy surgery posting, at least for those at ttsh. I just had my end of posting test on wednesday. After all the bad luck with medicine eopt, surgery eopt seems a lot more friendlier to me.

I got the simplest of all and to the extent I think it didn't allow me to perform well enough case, appendicitis, pre-op somehow. Nothing much to show off, cos everybody knows about appendicitis and It is hard for me to show anything more. Anyway my two examiners were quite well known, one is known to be super nice, one is known to have been kicked out of the curriculum board because he loves to pick exotic case for students during exams. The latter almost killed me.

When I was clerking the patient, my mind was thinking how come he would give me such an insipid case, very unlike him. I think I present well and fine, got most of the points, no error, everything nice. Physical examination nothing much, just go through motion. Then when it comes to guarding he starts to show his fangs and claws.

"What do you observe when you press there?"
"erm.. the patient twitched a little, because he felt pain?"
"What else. What do you see in the abdomen?"
"There is guarding."
"Why is there guarding?" Then he gave me that darn evil smile.
"When I pressed on the abdomen, I am pressing the peritoneal against the inflamed appendix which irritates the peritoneal resulting in pain and hence contraction of the muscle. This is guarding"
"No... what else?"
I stun. What else? I looked at him, lost. "Sorry sir, I only know this much"
He smiled at me again and asked me to continue, didn't even tell me the answer....

I went back to ttsh next day and asked mr huey and hepatobiliary team's con and both of them gave me my answers. When I asked what else, they looked at me and smiled. The examiner is super anal la. I can accept if you probably know more than me and most of my tutors but you dun ask a question and dun answer it. Joyce had warned me about him, already, always asking darn weird questions which student dunno how to answer and worse still he never answers them... Sorry for sounding offensive but good thing he is out of the curriculum board, but please, get him out of the examiner board as well ba.

Busy tidying up my room, doing a lot of things while I am free now. Still need to go visit my cofm patient and do a report. But for now, need to prepare someone's present.. busy... And yes, I didn't fail medicine eopt. I kept saying I had failed and even told my mum, turned out I actually passed. Though not very high but comparable sia. I am super shocked and surprised.

Alright, got to go sleep first, need to go school tomorrow..

2008-10-11T23:41:00.003+08:00

When I was asked to go watch vagina monologue, I only knew it was an award-winning script. I have no clues about the cast nor the producers. To me, I just want to witness how they can bring the script alive on stage and still impress me as much as the script did.

For a change, I wouldn't comment on the play itself. I am more interested about the topic itself actually, VAGINA!!

How many people are actually comfortable with saying the word "vagina"? Other than medicine students who talk about penis and vagina openly on the train, I really have no idea who else does that. Even if they do, they probably dun use this word in conjunction with morbid words like "infection", "carcinoma-in-situ" or "sqaumous cell carcinoma"

I find it hard to comprehend, well of course I would because vagina has never been a topic close to my heart, lest to say even close to my body! YES! Thus, at the end of the day, I walked out of the drama centre with a few questions bugging me:

1) Is it true that girls dun look at their vagina? I reason out that probably due to the anatomical position of the vagina that it opens downwards for things to flow out with gravity and that our eyes are found right on top, it is impossible for them to see it.

Guys can just conveniently whip their penis up and the meatus would be smiling at us with its single slit eye. You probably think it looks alien with only one eye but trust me, it would be hell of a problem trying to control people escaping through TWO emergency doors when the fire alarm went off.

So, I tried to imagine it is like asking myself to see the base of my scrotum. I pondered for a while, recall the times in the shower room and after some thoughts I concluded it is actually possible cos the scrotum is a pendulum sac. Come on, dun expect me to be able to realise this immediately when seeing the base of your scrotum is not even in the list of things you would do when you are so free and dying for boredom. I reckon more emphasis is on the penis instead though I had heard of patients coming in who had never pulled back their foreskin to wash the inside before. Gosh, guys!! Not opening your room doesn't mean you don't need to clean your room k, you know best how messy it is so dun pretend! Moreover, not as if your urine comes out from another hole.... Eventually I try to imagine it is like asking me to look at my anus... though i think it is kind of an insult(to us) to think vagina as anus cos for a bloody fact we all came out from the former and we are definitely not some bulky fibrous lumps that we passed out from the latter.

2) Is it true that young girls always feel that the vagina is a separate part and identity from themselves? Well, the fact that you can't see it and it always gives you trouble, I have no idea how most females think.

Coming from a boys school, guys start something we call masturbation early but as far as I had heard most girls dun do it. In fact up to now, I haven't met a friend who had done it. (even if they had, dun think they would have told me, and by telling them I masturbate as well just doesn't work..)So probably, they have never felt the connection with their vagina as much as boys did with their penis. It is a door handle. You don't have to teach the owner how to grab it and he can just open the gate to exuberance and thrills and fantasy and yup the list goes on. The clitoris is probably a door bell which is concealed by the leaves and twines of the creepers and probably the owner of the house doesn't even know of its existence. Who in the hell uses the doorbell to your own apartment when you have the key??!! But you definitely still need to grab the door handle to go in. =)

3) But beside not knowing the fact that there is such a doorbell to excitement and knowing it is the passage for blood to leave the body every month and that letting anything or anyone entering it needs a lot of considerations, what else do girls view their vagina as? If your vagina can talk, what would it say? I think I can still imagine the personification of vagina to this extent. If you can dress up your vagina what would you let it wear? This caught me a little... I find it extremely hard to understand the extent of this personification. I mean, if you want to dress your penis up, at your can still choose a wear a tube or at least a helmet of sort? But anatomically how can you dress up a vagina. I think it takes more than just understanding the anatomy but more of the connection of the vagina to the woman carrying it. The vagina = them, part of them, the essence of them, the spirit in them and ya... I know how to string these words but for a guy with a straight forward door handle, I still find it hard to fully comprehend that.

But if so, why do seniors from O and G posting complains of tissue papers stuck inside the vagina and yet these woman doesn't even know? I slowly conclude that the physical negligence has a reason due to its anatomically unfavourable location and orientation for housekeeping. The spiritual connection is the reason for I dun fully comprehend. It is like having feelings for the old house you grow up in but you never bother to go clean the house cos you don't live there anymore.

4) Why is there a vagina monologue and no penis monologue. Hey, talk about gender equality right, guys have feelings for our penis too alright! Probably not as strong as vagina, our miserable alien-looking door handle immediately lose out when it is merely a passage for urine and semen. The deeper meaning of a vagina lies in its role in child birth. The passage which all of us have to pass through in life, in fact the very first passage everyone passes through. (not me, cos my mum had a cesarean haha) Then for the guys, part of us passes through it again years later and the cycle continues.

Probably due to the its sacred role, vagina becomes something more than just a doorbell and a door. To the girls, it carries more meaning, warranting names such as the blackhole, bermuda triangle etc because they are carrying something so sacred with them and the fear and anticipation is suffocating. To guys like us, it is something more simple. Just respect it cos you would never feel as much for it as the girls do. Respect the things you dunno. =)

2008-10-05T00:22:00.004+08:00

Jasmine and I had once discussed about the topic on the approach to friendship generally from the guys' and the girls' point of view. We agreed the approach is different. For the girls, they can call each other everyday, chat online and are not too concern about going out. The guys generally dun talk on phone, dun chat online with each other a lot but make it a point to go out with friends on a regular basis. In summary, girls talk, guys do activities to bond together.

Of course this could just be an over-generalization.

I remembered I always blogged about how nice it is to have a bunch of friends who would be in your life, together with you till the end. I still remember the movie Sex and the City when (I forgot both her names), it was snowing so heavily and one called the other asking if she was free to accompany her on Christmas eve. She immediately rushed out and braved the snow to spend christmas eve with her. Shows like this, and friends and many more would often touch my heart not because of anything but the friendship. I don't believe that is "fairytale" cos I sincerely believe in friends forever.

Lately I kept asking myself, what could be wrong? What went wrong? It could simply be that all these while we were never as close as I thought we are. Or it could just be something which I had done? Perhaps it is just a changing phase in life which make them realise this group of people are no longer important in their lives. Otherwise, it could just be the "JC" syndromes of individualism and incapability to comprehend brotherhood and dun see a need for it. With regards to this, after much interaction with people from all works of life (though there would be sampling error), poly people are generally more sincere, loyal and truthful to friends. To put it in another way, they do not have other needs to pursue such that they have to give up brotherhood. They are just simple people who enjoy spending time with their friends. Sometimes I wish, I could be just as simple.

Not being noble but I often search my own soul and find my own mistakes before pointing my fingers at others. I keep searching for answers, for what I had done wrong. I came up with some hypothesis which I could not verify. This group has an inherent problem all along. We only go out and do things, there is no more interactions beyond this level because everyone is just uneasy in sharing personal things. Everything was superficial. Such bonding is probably weaker than van der waals forces. This is hypothesis 1.

It could be something which I finally told everyone after so many years and even though they didn't react much, but a barrier was built ultimately. This is hypothesis 2.

Hypothesis number 3. There is no girls. As seen in most show, those best friends were either all girls or a mixture of guys and girls. I dun really see a logic behind this but perhaps girls are considered more affectionate and hence would act as a buffer in the group of guys who just couldn't be bothered about a lot of things. We tried. Bringing girls in, bringing your girlfriends in. It just didn't work. Probably because we were from boy's school, inability to connect with girls.

The last hypothesis was the most probable yet the last which I would accept as a reason. No time. Sometimes I really wish to just state two simple facts. Firstly, I am the first one to enter uni and of all the busiest med fac, yet I always made time for the past 2 years until you guys enter uni now. I admit that 2 weeks prior to major exams I would be missing but that's all.
Fact number 2: I was also attached but I always appear for outings. It had never compromised on anything.
Perhaps it is wrong to impose my own principle on others quoting one of the guys. If it is really true, I really have nothing to say.

I hate to admit this but kai xin ren are really so much nicer people. Perhaps it is also an inherent thing that they have the capacity to fully treasure and appreciate friendship. They were the ones who would come comfort me and ask me out for a chat or drink or something when I was down. Though I always felt weird in the group but I am very touched by their friendship and commitment. A wide range of ages, from studying to working, to working in different lines, they would come together every weekends to watch movie, eat and chat. Lately, I was obliged to leave due to personal matter. But they had showed me that friendship can be just so simple. It is not about networking, not about whether you are of use to me, not because you are good looking, not because you are rich, not because I have to, but simply just because you are my friend.

2008-09-26T15:33:00.002+08:00

There is a big difference between talking to a sick patient compared to talking to a terminally ill patient. It is a totally different thing when you see a patient's vital signs diminishing right in front of you and die.

I always find myself a little challenged emotionally whenever I spoke to patients who have cancer in their last stage. "The doctor says I have 1 year to live only"; I would be loss for words for a moment, not really knowing what should be the most appropriate thing to say. Perhaps not saying anything is the most appropriate. So I would just usually look at them and listen to them. Almost naturally, I would stretch out my hand to hold theirs and hopefully they can sense whatever I had wanted to say which words cannot express. This is how I express my feelings, though at many times I wonder if it is just as appropriate. However, I reckon at least it can be considered as a form of comfort.

Most of them are already in the acceptance stage. They don't resist, sometimes they do complain a little they had decided all decided to leave everything to god's will. At times like this, human beings become very spiritual. Because they realise they can no longer have any control over their lives. When you cannot control it, you leave it to the higher power. This is human behaviour, this is human nature.

I know what to expect since the day I decided to join this path, though along the way I had realised there are many other things which I have not anticipated but nonetheless they were just some pebbles and stones and occasionally molehill. I wouldn't deny initially I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy with talking to patients with terminal diseases. Given a chance I may want to go to the hospice to learn how to interact with them. I am expecting their reactions to be diverse, but because of sampling technique, I only get to talk to a certain population of them of whom are those who are already in the expectance phase. Those who choose to escape from the truth and still in the denial and anger phase would just naturally have rejected my request to talk to them. This group of patients were left untouched.

Just as I slowly gained the confidence and comfort of talking to them, last night I realise for the first time how it feels like to be in close contact with death. Many people die everyday in the hospital outside the hospital, everywhere. We watch TV serials and movies expecting every show to have at least one person dying, be it because the actor's contract was terminated prematurely or the actor got into some problems. Whatever the case is, what i am trying to drive at is, death is so common, it is around us. If you are living in the neighbourhood, every other day you will see funeral going on at the void deck.

I had seen patients passing away in the wards, I had seen people dying right on the spot after trying to be spiderman or superman few seconds before they hit the ground. But last night was the first time I was involved in the resuscitation process and saw a life slipping away right in front of me as I was trying to pump her heart. I know it sounds darn drama. The ambulance came, we went out to transfer the patient in. Airway, breathing and circulation were being managed immediately. Sze jia was asked to start CPR. I stood there watching, lost for a moment what they were going to do next. The ECG show the complexes appearing with every pump on the chest by szejia's hands. When she stopped to check, the complexes disappeared. She continued. Fatigue set in and I took over. I saw the complexes appearing in rhythm to my pumping. My head bob up and down in the sea of despair as I pressed on the patient's chest. She had collapsed and we couldn't get her heart pumping at all. My stethoscope started swinging left and right like a pendulum. Everything is in concord and rhythm, my head, my stethoscope, my pumping and the ECG complexes. A thumper was called in to take over manual pumping. Everyone seems so calm and indifferent. The staff nurse came back with 3 strips of white cloth and a bag of white garment. The thumper was pumping away with the rhythm, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, then 2 breaths of air, then 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 2 breaths of air, 1, 2, 3.... We stood and watched not knowing what to expect when apparently everyone there had already known what would be the outcome. All could be done had been done. The patient was brought in too late and had past the critical time when resuscitation is more possible. The thumper was asked to be stopped after evaluation by the senior doctor there. Everything came to a stop at that moment. I guess I was really slow. I was still asking myself why did they stop? As we were helping the staff nurse to wrap out the body, I realise what that bag of white garment was for. For the first time obviously, we helped to wrapped the body up nicely. It was cold and clammy. Life is absent from it. The coroner was informed and the patient's family as well. Later the "3 long 2 short" was brought it to transfer the body to the mortuary.

I wonder how Sze jia can stay so calm, but as a guy I feel that if she can do it, I shouldn't be showing too much emotions. The guy's ego. It is different from seeing a dead body in front of you or a patient dying in the wards or someone who died at the site of accident. There is no fear, just pure sadness and disappointment with a tinge of guilt. I wasn't too affected fortunately, otherwise I may really have to consider changing my career path. But it was really an experience for me, a weird feeling that I have never experienced. A feeling that it seems like it is my fault yet I know it wasn't mine.

2008-09-21T12:06:00.003+08:00

因为这样的一个理由而分手, 我心凉的很... 突然间真的很累,很累. 为什么到了这一天还是这样...有时候, 真的需要一次很大很大的打击, 才可以让人痛醒惊醒. 一个长达四年的梦, 在一次的觉悟下可能即将结束. 原想大声向大家呼喊, 但又不知道为什么心里缩了一下. 也许是对自己还没有那么大的信心. 她说的对, 不可以因为对婚姻的恐惧而舍弃家庭和孩子的温暖. 心还是虚了一下. 不明白这心虚的原因. 我想只有时间可以告诉我, 到底是为什么.

2008-09-11T23:49:00.002+08:00

I thought I had moved on, in just a couple of weeks time. I was amazed how fast it took me. I was surprised. But seems like afterall I am just lying to myself. It was a lie, from the start.

It didn't take long for the true feelings to set in. I clinged on to a plank, treating it as a substitute. Be it formless and untrue, it was something for my emotions to hold on to. But eventually, it sank and the grand truth surfaced like a big bubble bursting in front of me. The plank is not the problem, it is the sunken ship.

I hate 16. I wish I could just sleep through it and wake up on 17 instead.

2008-09-01T22:16:00.003+08:00

It had been a crazy crazy crazy weekends....3 nights straight clubbing!! OMG

After stopping clubbing for almost a year, last friday was the first time I stepped into the place again. I wouldn't have said "home sweet home" or "sweet memories" but the feeling of going back to that place was really indescribable.

I sat there looking at the people dancing and flirting. The music was homing around me with lights flashing. It reminded me of the times back then, when I first stepped into the place, when I was just like the people down at the dancefloor. I spent an hour just looking at them. Suddenly I felt so alien to everything, just strange, so out-of-touch. In fact, I felt old for a moment, but on second thoughts, I know there were older people than me inside for sure.

Wayne was playing finger guessing with his friends. I tried once and realised how out of touch I was. I stopped, kind of felt left out of this whole club biz. How sad and how pathetic that I would end up like this. I didn't even go down to the dancefloor that night. We went to ebay after that and continued drinking. They were playing dice and everything. I sat and watched again. I started another round of observation. Familiar faces, familiar scene but alien feelings. The boss came and tried all sort of means to make me drunk. I did not resist. I ended up a little drowsy but not drunk.

Saturday night. I was out there again, second time in the row. I met more of Wayne's friends. More people to talk to, more new faces, more new friends, or maybe just.. friends..... Things still felt a little off, but much better, really. The first time after one year I hit the dancefloor again. It was great. I felt the same as before, just like one year ago. Things had changed since then but I preferred to ignore that. This group is kinda fun. I wonder if I can integrate in slowly I wonder. The link to this group is weak. But I can sense one more link forming. When opposing forces meet I wonder what will happen. I keep my fingers crossed.

Sunday night. I was out at another club. Same gang. It was crazy. Perhaps I was tired, I lost control of myself. Memories kept gushing in like a dam opening its floodgate. I danced non stop to suppress whatever was building up in me. It worked and so I continued. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop. Everything came to an end at around 4am. We left the place. It was the second time I cried so hard because of this relationship. Soon, I began laughing. I laughed at myself. A van stopped by me asking if I was ok. It was only then I realised I might be attracting some attention. I stopped. If someone can choose not to fight for what one wants, it is either the person is just like this or, the person doesn't really want it at all. I figured it out soon after. Though jasmine said it seems like I am always the one initiating all the breakups but eventually it is always me ending up being the most heartbroken.

I wonder how long it would take for the pain to stop. It is making me weak, inside and outside. I don't wish to rush things, but I want to be back on my feet soon. I know I need to and I want to do so myself.

2008-08-26T11:37:00.003+08:00

从来没有这样的度过一个晚上. 面对着他, 很担心自己会突然改变决定, 甚至现在我还在问自己的决定是否是对的. 这, 我想应该是正常的一个过程吧. 不知道自己哭了几次, 只知道自己从来没有这样伤心的哭过. 哭着又笑着, 嘲笑自己, 是自己的决定, 结果最伤心的还是自己. 我, 做对了吗?

今天起床时又突然想起他. 要忘了一切真的需要很长的时间. 眼睛还是肿肿的. 不知道是对药物敏感还是哭肿了. 最在乎的人, 往往都是伤自己最痛的人. 眼见就快一年了, 突然觉得很可惜, 连一年都没有达成. 但友人又问, 难道要等到一周年才说分手吗? 也许过了一年伤会更痛?

当固执变成了迷信. 迷着固执, 一直固执下去, 眼见种种的问题和冲突还继续固执下去, 结果成了信. 相信这样固执下去就会有结果. 但, 我渐渐失去了信心...

当爱成了一种计算, 爱值多少呢? 很难了解自己, 明明真的很爱很爱他, 但, 我又知道我们不会有结果. 忍. 心上一把刀. 真的让人痛的死去活来. 体内滴着血.

这样的感觉还要多久?

2008-08-19T21:44:00.003+08:00

Day 3 after production day. It is really kind of weird to say it is post production depression, cos it had never been MY production, and it would never be. I am just a passer-by in this whole production, interfering with their production only on the last two days. But the repercussions were bad, evidently manifesting for these few days. I have only one comment: I am so going to fail my end of posting test. It is so bloody affecting my mood to study!!!

Some asked me why am I so affected when I was only there for 2 days but total only slightly more than 24 hours spent with them. I told them two things. First reply was, "This was the very reason why I quited years back, though not entirely because of this reason" The second was, "Theatre is my life" It sounded familiar when these words came out from my words and I realised jasmine say that too. Life and theatre.

Can you imagine the feeling of living a life when you have given up on it. This is my life when I had given up on theatre. Jasmine is the only one by my side keeping my connections with theatre. I stood outside the circle and looked. I could only do so. I did not dare to step in, for fear of consequences I could not foresee or control. My life became one of seeing people's life. My happiness came from people's happiness when they put up a show. I tap on this energy from them. A mould, with no ability to generate such a spiritual source of energy, I can only do so.

That slightly more than 24 hours, I was given a chance to experience what I call life. I couldn't describe the exact feeling to you. But it was like giving you water to drink after you had gone without a drop of water for a week. It was like giving you food to eat after starving for a month. I would use the word euphoria, but I wonder if it is comparable with drugs usage. Perhaps it is, considering both has withdrawal symptoms.

My life ended early. In fact I told myself I shouldn't be sad. I was dead long ago. God is kind to let me live once more and experience life once again. I should be glad. I shouldn't complain. I should be contented with one day in heaven. But I couldn't stop feeling empty afterwards. I hope this would blow over soon.

2008-08-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

Ok that's it. Zebra is officially suffering from post production depression.

2008-08-17T20:31:00.003+08:00

It has been a long time since I last felt more than alive. It was so long ago since I felt there are things in life that is much more important than anything else.

I gave up that dream years back, scurrying into the lane of comfort, conforming to conventional thoughts and workings of this rat-race life. I have never stopped blaming myself for being a coward to stand up to my belief and dreams, but I have never regretted for doing so as well.

I am someone who takes extreme measures. I never seem to accept well what we know as the gray area. Extremities are the two most contrasting thing ever which can set my mind at peace. A lost dream, a forsaken passion, hence became a forbidden taboo.

Friday night began my 24-hr tour to heaven experience after being burnt and eroded by the fire of sins for years. I called it a long lost dream which came back to me. Show is the thing which makes me feel alive. I stood on the stage and looked at the audience seats. It reminded me of the days. I danced across the stage and listened to the lum and dum when my shoes hit the wooden planks, the sound resonants within me, all the way back to the past. The lights, the air, seems to be calling to me. I felt a weird spurge of energy flowing through me. I knew it is the start of something sweet, with a bitter aftertaste.

I never thought they would need so much help from us. I never thought he would give up on them. I never thought so. If I had, I would had chosen to enter this house of sins earlier on. They were not ready. It shocked me. A calling was heard, one which told us to try to salvage whatever we can, and we did.

Saturday morning after a short 4 hour rest, I arrived at the Pearly Gates. I was held back initially. I shouldn't interfere too much. It is their show afterall. Things were bad, as bad as I had imagined. We did what we could to help. 11am he arrived. I thought from now on, I could slowly retreat back into the shadow again. But what he said shock me. A pat on the shoulder, a few lines pulled me out onto the stage bare naked unprepared. It was the same old feeling of responsibility, pressure, stress, thrill, rush, euphoria. I was cut out of the external world totally. My notes were neglected in one corner of the drama centre. The show is starting in 8 hours time and this is all the time I have to do what I can do.

I felt the stress, I felt the responsibility and I felt the energy. It was flowing through me like a sun burning. Neurons were firing rapidly, sparks flying, ideas flowing in and out waiting for me to fish them out of the stream accurately and timely. Meals became a chore. I did not stop. I went on and on and on. My phone rang but I was totally cut off. I was totally immersed in the characters, the shows, the performance. Costumes, lightings, sounds, makeup, props, stage, actors, script, one after another, problem raising, problem solving. Fortunately there were junwen and dianjun rendering their expertise as well.

Frustration, irritation, anger, worry, excitement, fear, joy.

I had never felt so alive and so real for so long. It went on and on and I lost track of time. Soon, I realised the show was starting. I wished I had more time. Sadness set in. Fear set in. Excitement set in. I want to watch the show but I got to rush to the next destination. I couldn't be there to see their efforts and masterpiece. I looked at the stage and each of everyone of them again. I know I am going to miss them. I so wanted to shout I love all of you but well nobody sane would do that. I wasn't that sane anyway...

Jun wen and I left for the airport, leaving with a heart that was still lingering in the air of drama centre.

I was truly happy, never that happy for so long in fact. I am happy for them. I envy them. I admire them. I hope they are treasuring everything they have now, truly.

Ivan left last night for studies. Especially after yesterday's experience in heaven, I told myself I must not let myself drop a single tear at the airport. I know I have a very chance of doing so. I dun wish to say how Ivan is as a friend to me and blah blah blah. Some things are better left unspoken, left inside the heart. 4 years may seem long, but it may be short. I know I am going to miss him a lot and that is all I need to know and do. There are things which I had wanted to say but in the end I chose not to. Perhaps it is the guy's thing to hide everything in their heart. Perhaps he knows what I am going to say? Ha. (and i suppose you would read this anyway bleah)

Seeing ivan entering the gate, I stopped myself from going to the front. Things should be kept mild and controlled I told myself. I looked around for distraction, but ended up seeing more things. Many people were leaving for studies as well. I looked at their expressions as they entered the gate. Some of them were not as calm as Ivan and I could see their emotions clearly from the forced smile. I can sense it. I looked at their friends hugging them and waving goodbye. I look at parents holding their hands, smiling to them saying goodbye. Those words, "goodbye" have never held so much impact and meaning to me before. I was still in the mode of having supreme sensitivity for emotions. You need to do so to guide the show and actors, but I am always lousy in reverting back. It proved to be fatal.

At that point of time, I start to appreciate how lucky I am that I need not be in this position cos I would never know if I can force out a smile like them. I stood back and turned around. The air is suffocating. On the other side, dianjun called to say the show had ended. It was finally over for them. And there I was at the airport, lost and battered. But at least I know I am alive, for one day. I was truly alive for one day.

2008-08-13T09:36:00.002+08:00

Finally I had found some time to blog a little, for fear that things may be forgotten. End of posting test is coming, next friday and saturday! I was looking through my camera just now and realise how many things I have done while I did not blog about them. Rivercruise with jasmine, my chalet, sungei buloh trip on jasmine's birthday, movies, shows, productions, friends' birthdays etc. And just like before, it always seems stupid to write a list of things and how I had felt then.

It seems as if many things have been missing from my life oh my... Had wanted to upload all the photos here but I realise facebook has a much easier way to upload all my photos.. so... all the photos had been uploaded there with stories attached to the photos. Oh well... see, I am lost for words, cos life now is juz about medicine and posting. Wait till I finish my posting next week, let's hope this blog will have more entry again!! If you have facebook do go see the photos on my sungei trip k. It is really enriching and beautiful. I brought jasmine there on her birthday celebration, and I hired national park guide to bring us around teaching us history and biology, lol. You never know how much you can learn from the nature until you are in the nature! I can be your guide next time if you are interested, lol!!

2008-07-08T20:20:00.002+08:00

Crashing down. I feels like doing bungee or going for Genting spaceshot. The initial drop was terrible and terrifying, but as you continue to accelerate downwards the feeling became numb and hopeless. It is just so mild and calm, uneasily calm. If it is a bottomless pit, you will just drop for eternity, holding on to this calmness of despair, waiting for the moment you crash the ground...

2008-07-06T02:56:00.002+08:00

I figured I should do some updating after MIAing(missing in action) for quite some time. First thing, thanks Gabrielle, though I still have no idea as to who you are and also surprise you were still visiting my blog, but most importantly is many thanks for your kind words.

Clinical posting at Alexandra Hospital was a mixed experience, filled with varying emotions. Fact: Everyone knows AH has limited cases, which no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise, eventually I have to agree. So least so that we had to clash SGH one day in order to see other cases and find one patient to do followup for my COFM project.

Our CG was posted to wards 2 and 3 of AH, which are mainly the GRM wards. So everyday we see elderly patients and their associated common illnesses. I wouldn't dare to say AH has no case at all, otherwise our prof would have asked if we had clerked all the patients in the hospital, which would obviously generate a "no" response. It is a case of find one of the 5 red balls mixed with 20 yellow balls, and finding one out of 50 red balls mixed with 50 yellow balls. Probability of the former is lower than the latter, if my JC mathematical knowledge is still intact.

Second fact: AH tutors are very nice. I wouldn't say other hospitals' tutors are hence in contrary "not nice", because my previous tutors at SGH were all very nice as well. In fact when I went back to SGH last friday, Dr Liew could still remember me and stopped for a while during his rounds to ask how I was doing, considering that he was just the understudy of the tutor we were attached to back then. Well, perhaps that didn't really show they are nice, haha, but you can take my words for it. So I figure it is again a matter of luck since everywhere has a mixture of "nice" and "not nice" tutor. Probability is the only difference, which probably is a little higher in AH.

Two weeks had passed since the start of posting. Our tutors had really stressed us upside down, inside out. It is good because we are inspired to learn, to read up. I did two night calls last week on monday and friday. The first night call was fun but lost, because I had no idea how to do a lot of things, how to set a drip properly, how to do blood culture, take blood, catheterize a patient, write case files etc. Dr Junice Wong had kindly and patiently taught me all these on Monday despite being so busy all night. Everything was fine, except I only manage to do one drip and well, fail all the blood taking....

However Friday was a big contrary. I did more blood taking than on Monday and all were successful, even the harder ones. Blood cultures were done, and many many catheterizations were done. It was really a very fulfilling night when you realise you can actually do all the procedures correctly.

Amidst all the fun and fulfillment while learning and practicing, fatigue and lethargy slowly set in. I guess I haven't used to sleeping so little and having so much stress and pressure to do reading everyday. Over the weekends, it is a struggle between resting, going out to take a breath and staying at home to study. Things would only get worse, if not never better ha.

It is at times like this when I realise I need support from people around the most. It seems as though I am highly dependent on people to give me strength, especially my close ones. However, this is really a difficult period for both of us. Two of us are struggling with hectic schedules which leave us little time to be spent together. While together, our minds are tired, our bodies are tired, we start to think about work and school halfway through. Interactions slowly became more and more unfulfilling. Somehow I just feel that it is unhealthy and just wrong to be thinking about work and school especially when we were spending precious time together. Anyone can sense if your mind had drifted off to something else and it is just annoying. We all have our own busy lives and we should respect each other by putting all the heavy matters aside.

It soon came to a conclusion we have to go through this on our own. I admit I am a super duper highly dependent person when it comes to emotions support. I am an open book, friends read me like reading storybooks. I can handle things on my own when I can find an anchor point for my emotions. This is me, this is how I work. Which makes me wonder how am I going to do it this time round. The worst period of time, even worst than any exams I have taken before. Never had I keep having dreams every night for one whole week and they were just about patients and blood. My sleep became irregular, with alternate nights of insomnia and extreme lethargy. Gosh, I can't believe this is happening....

2008-06-22T00:01:00.003+08:00

Saturday 14 June:
ZJ's sms to Adrian:
Hey dude, the chalet on monday would be held at downtown east, ground floor, L2122. No need to bring anything, just bring yourself =)
Adrian's reply:
Ok, no problem. I will bring my friend along.

Sunday 15 June:
ZJ's sms to Adrian:
Hey, the venue had been changed, it is just beside, it is ground floor, L2121 instead.
NO REPLY

Monday 16 June:
No sms to Adrian.
No sms from Adrian.
ADRIAN DIDN'T TURN UP.

Tuesday 17 June:
Mr Yeo's sms to ZJ(in summary):
Adrian is in the ICQ at NUH.
NO REPLY.

Saturday 21 June:
ZJ's sms to Adrian:
Hey, are you out of ICQ? Drop me a message if you are able to k. I am not too good at handling friends' parents in such situation, hope you understand.
Mr Yeo's reply(in summary):
Adrian had passed away peacefully yesterday at 2.30pm.
ZJ's reply:
I am truly sorry about it. Thanks for informing.

It doesn't really matter if you are a doctor or not, in the game of death, no matter what role you are playing, you are always a victim. The news shocked me, and I truly understand what it meant by it had shaken my world. In the train where I received the message, for a moment I thought time had stopped and the whole train was crashing down.

I knew the vibes are coming and I told myself I must endure till the end of Kailiang's birthday party tonight. I must play and joke and treat it nothing had happened. I learn the art of deceiving myself.

I see no need to comment how good a friend he is to me, because I don't want anyone of you to judge him. He is not worthy of our judgment. I think perhaps it is best to let his God judge him. He had gone through more shit than anyone studying medicine. He fought hard for what he wants. He got to pay a price for one wrong move he had made back then, even when he is repentant, the price he got to pay is way too big. He endured and came this far and now his God had decided to claim him. This is unfair, injustice and ridiculous to do something like that to a decent nice guy who had always tried his best.

As the dinner was ending, I knew the barrier was going. I couldn't help but to recall the times when we would meet up for chit chat and dinner, the time when he would lend me his notes to help me during my CSFC, the time when he offered my advices in life, studies and even relationship. But it all happened so fast. In a week, he was gone. And I didn't even manage to see him for one last time, conveniently thinking he would be out of ICU soon and I would see him in the wards than to go down bug the parents and make them feel sadder. But I was wrong, cos nobody knows he wouldn't make it out of the ICU.

At that moment, I suddenly felt so lonely and cold. I felt I really need someone by my side. I know it would make me feel better after the loss. There are so many times when the tears were at the brine of bursting out and I had to fight so hard to force them back. The heart is wrenching and the stomach is all twisted. But it was also then that I realize I have to depend on myself. A sms came, "I am going clubbing with my friends" For the first time in this entire relationship, I asked myself why am I in this relationship. As the cab was leaving Mandai Rd, I told the driver to go to Amk instead. All I needed is so simple, and in fact even so at this point of time. Even the strongest guy would need a support at times, and not to mention I am not exactly a very strong guy especially emotionally. All I need is company, to make me feel better. All I ever need now is so simple.

I wonder if it is normal but I am starting to have very very very mild suicidal thoughts. I am noting it down not to scare friends dun worry I dun have rat poison, all my windows are closed and I am afraid of heights. But is this a normal reflex, or perhaps there is some psychological explanation about it. At least now I understand why they always counsel kids whenever one of their classmates passed away. But I suppose I am old enough to know what to do and what not to.

2008-06-15T00:00:00.002+08:00

It has never felt so scary before, when I look back at my past and then look at myself now. Pardon me for such an emo entry, but I suppose I need a channel to release this emotions somehow. This seems like the only channel, ha, pathetic. Usually I feel better after that, I hope.

Homo Sapiens, a specie which manage to survive on Earth for so long, is a creature which, supposedly, able to adapt very well. Back in prehistoric age or even later, the mean to survival as described by Charles Darwin's theory of evolution: survival of the fittest and natural selection. This refers to the physical ability of a specie to adapt to the environment and survive, hence matures to reproductive age and eventually like produces like. Homo Sapiens are winning for now, not entirely because of our physical ability (though some scientists do point out that one of our advantages lies in being able to stand on both legs/hind limbs), but more importantly because we have a more complex brain structure which makes us higher-thinking creature on earth now.

We have no need to survive and adapt to our environment physically because our brain would do the work. We don't need wings to fly, gills to breathe underwater, claws to hunt, fur for warmth or a large surface area to lose heat; we use our brain to invent the plane, oxygen tank, weapons, clothes and air-conditioner.

Even school kids know that a caterpillar is the young stage of a butterfly, which will turn into a pupae then eventually a butterfly. Another delicate work of nature for survival? Perhaps so, since caterpillar eats leaves and they are safer being green and wormy hiding under leaves, and butterfly needs to feed on nectars from flowers which then better have them being more colourful and bright to camouflage and of course flying around. For us, at different stages of life, we undergo morphism as well, not physically, but mentally. The brain morphizes, so drastically like the caterpillar-butterfly transitions, that it is a shock whenever we look back.

Many people asked, why do people change? Of course people change, as we adapt to different environment, our personality and character change, or I suppose we can refer to it as adapt. It is a survival at a different level and dimension. There are so many examples of people changing environment and their personalities change as well, this is how plastic our brain and mind can be, to be readily molded by people and things around us. Otherwise, parents wouldn't be afraid of "bad company" and adults wouldn't be talking about changing environment.

Some changes are very gradual, so much so that you wouldn't really take notice until you are quite a distance off from the equivalence point. So are the changes to environment. Mine have changed over an entire year and slowly myself is changing as well. Many closed friends have commented about the change in me, which I had noticed as well. I suppose it is a changing phase in life for me? I realise how stupid it is to be afraid of yourself changing. But it is at this point of time when everything becomes an uncertainty. Am I changing for the good as what the society perceived it to be or otherwise? I don't like at all when things are not within some control or a part of the plan. It is an unexplained inner fear I suppose, fear of change, fear of the future. Sometimes, just as we are victims and slaves to the future, we are also victims and slaves to ourselves.

2008-06-07T22:44:00.001+08:00

Home-made dumplings

Today started out to be rather boring, waking up at around 11 am to a very familiar childhood smell. I would call it a fragrance I suppose. I stumbled my way to the kitchen and saw my mum wrapping some leaves in her hands and tying them to strands of twine hanging from the ceiling. Only then did I realize tomorrow is the Dragon Boat Festival or Dumpling Festival (I never know which is the correct, and guess didn't really bother much as well since it is never a public holiday)

The fact is, my mum has been making dumplings at home every year ever since I can remember. However, consider it unfortunate yet fortunate as well, for the past few years it had always happened to fall on weekdays, which explains why I have not seen this scene for quite some time. The scent of the uncooked dumpling hanging all around the kitchen is different from that after it had been cooked, it smells... very childhood, haha.

I sat on a chair and stared at my mum, while my niece was running around us "trying to help" Breakfast wasn't ready (dumpling for breakfast, tradition) and I had conveniently brushed aside the possibility of me helping out by giving excuses like, "I dunno" and "Guys dun do this one la" Well, in actual fact I do know how to wrap, cos I have been helping out since young. There are so many things which we had helped out when we were young, when as we grew older, we slowly relinquished these responsibilities in the name of others such as studying, sleeping and being a man. (oh well, it works surprisingly)

Why I mentioned sometimes it is fortunate when I am not around, because then I wouldn't need to help out! Though I have played my cards well this time, but my mum played hers even better than me. I had to become the baby sitter for 2 whole hours until 2pm which was the stipulated time when she could finish all the cooking. I have no cards to play against her. She won.

I looked at the little demon girl running around screaming and shouting, occasionally acting like an angel in front of you. Oh gosh... There was no way I can keep her inside the house and not let her go into the kitchen to disturb my mum and her holly preparation. Last resort was to bring her out. It was really the last resort, one that should only be used when you are left with none.

2 hours Baby sitting

Like most things, it started out reasonably smooth. She listened to me, changed into her clothes and wore she shoes. It was pouring like mad. I carried her and made the way to the bus stop. Along the way, she kept clinging on to me tightly. I didn't know she is afraid of the rain.

On the bus, all was fine. We sat in the last row of seats with her inside one corner. She stood up and sat down, and this was repeated for a while. She talked to herself, and probably to me which I could only pretend I understand her. Then she stood on the seat and looked behind. It was another bus behind us and she started waving. It was a female bus driver. She saw our little princess waving and waved back. Everyone in that bus started looking at us, or more specifically, her. This is the power of an innocent face. One which hides the demonic nature within.

We alighted at Amk Hub, by then I can guess that at least 4 people on the same bus with us had suspected I am some delinquent kid who accidentally got a girl pregnant and now the girl left me and I am a poor young father stuck with a kid. You just got to be in my position to see how many times they turn back to look at you, with that look. I dun see them do that to other children on board.

So I just carried her and walked round and round amk hub, going up floor by floor until I hit the cinema. I thought of letting her down to walk, but she refused to let my hold her hands and wanted to roam around freely. It was after we attracted some attention when a little demon was cutting through giant crowds which could drown her anytime, then I managed to convince her it was scary to run around and subsequently she let me held her hands. Unfortunately the walk didn't last long and I have no choice but to bring her to McDonald.

McDonald was another place where many people started looking at me with "that" look. After ordering at the counter, with her in my left arm, tray in my right, baby bag slinging from my right shoulder, big balloon smap in front of me, I made my way to my seats, hoping nobody would take notice of me. Ya right... Feeding her with nuggets was tiring. She didn't want to drink the milk, only wanted to play with the carton. She bit the fries off, and then spit them out. Only thing she ate and swallowed nicely was nuggets after I had torn them into smaller pieces. Initially she was standing, then it proceeds to sitting on my lap, then laying on the seat playing with the balloon and after only less than 10 minutes she started to throw the balloon onto the floor and had to climb down and up the seats to take the balloon.

It wasn't before long when I called it a quit. I grabbed her and made our way home. So coincidently, the bus we took was the one she was waving at just now and the bus driver actually remembered her. Obviously our little princess had no recollection what she had done earlier on. The journey back was worst than journey there. She climbed up and down the seats and kept grabbing the pole. With no sense of danger, we have to be always worrying for her. When we alighted, she tap my ezlink card for me, and back we went to finish my assignment. Time check: 2.20pm. I couldn't believe how tiring it was. Gosh.. if only I had slept longer...haha....

Drum Lesson

Went for a nap after the tiring babysitting. Woke up at night for my first drum lesson. I have always wanted to learn music since young, but wasn't given the chance to. It seems a bit too late to start now, but I told myself if I dun start, then I wouldn't get anything. You have to fight and work for what you want. Hence, today I ventured on my very first music voyage.

Why drums? The instructor asked me this as well. I saw that coming, cos I had asked myself this question as well. In my own views, I feel that piano is a bit too hard since I am going to start late. The rest needs a lot of musical theory, but drums need less of it. It is wrong to say drums doesn't need, but probably less of it and maybe only more applicable if you are of higher level. And I always like the idea of being able to play in a band. Not really thinking of forming one, but sometimes the thought of a doctor who is a drummer gives me some thrills lol. Well, I know there are already a few who are.

First lesson went well. The instructor is friendly, frank, and practical. Aik Joon was learning together with me and we thought today we realize we are two psychomotor kids. We learn to practise more. Nothing comes without practice. Actually my main concern now is damaging the sense of hearing. I think I need to prepare some ear muffler to protect myself, cos I still need to pick up heart murmurs!!!

Looking forward to the next lesson. =)

2008-06-06T16:38:00.000+08:00

Food Entries Update!!!

Pine Garden
Good food is everywhere and it depends on whether you can hunt them down not. Last two weeks, we were playing majong at aik's place at amk ave 10 and inevitably we would eat some of the famous food there, namely Botak Jones and Pine Garden. This time round, we ordered 2 cakes from pine garden to try; (Jinny, Yang Jie, Aik and I)

Lychee Martini, of the shop's famous cakes. Comments are relatively good. The lychee taste is strong and fragrant, yet the overall taste is still light and you wouldn't feel sick after eating one whole slice. With every bite I took, I can eat the lychee bits inside, juicy and tender. However, it was commented that it wasn't cold enough and there wasn't really the taste of martini at all.

Overall rating: 3.5, 4, 4 (Good recommendation)
Triple Layer chocolate. It was really a disappointment. Aik commented that that taste is just as shriveled as the thing (nut) placed on top of the cake. Jinny commented all layers taste the same when there should be difference. It tasted like brownie dough with slight chocolate taste. All three of us stopped eating after less than half of it, except for Jinny who later explained he was eating because nobody wanted to eat.

Overall rating: 3, 3, 3 (Not a recommendation, even a chocolate lover like me is very disappointed)

Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits/ Pasta De Waraku
My first visit to the Singapore Flyer was with Jasmine few months back. Hence this is the second time I am up on the Flyer again, with my mum, sister-in-law and my niece!! This time round, I took many many photos, which sadly I have no access to them yet. There is this fast food restaurant at level 1- Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits (something like that I suppose)

Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits
What is it: A fast food restaurant, selling chicken(like KFC) and biscuits(like a certain western pastry which you eat with butter or jam-- can't remember the name), side orders such as cajun fries, red beans and rice, coleslaw etc.

Service: Super slow, extremely slow, to the extent we felt like just going to eat at the restaurant next door. The staff seems unsure about some things, he is easily confused, couldn't work fast and the wall menu had their family meal items printed wrongly. While the queues were super long outside, I can see two staffs inside the kitchen area doing nothing and one playing on the phone. There were 3 person outside on the counter but only 2 counters were open, 1 girl was just, using eye power?

Look: The serving looks big, but the chickens are as small as KFC's. Otherwise nothing remarkable.
Taste: We all agree KFC's chicken was better. However the biscuits taste quite good with the jam provided, and the combination is new. The cajun fries are nice.
Overall: On the whole, if the service is faster, I wouldn't mind coming back again, though the chicken is not as good as KFC but it is still nice, and the biscuits and fries are major pulling factors as well.

After the flyer, I took them for fish therapy like what we did the last time!!! Above is my mum with my sister-in-law.

Pasta De Waraku
Dinner was settled at marina square's Pasta De Waraku. I had eaten there once with the guys, so this time round I brought my family to try. Comments were mixed, probably because the taste of the food is mixed.

I ordered Bacon with Potato Pasta with Waraku sauce, which didn't appeal to my taste buds. The sauce is very creamy and thick so much so that it overwhelmed the taste of the potato and bacon. The bacon doesn't taste salty, the potato tasted plain, and not to mention there are damn little potato and bacon. The whole dish just taste of the sauce, the only difference is the texture when I ate the bacon or potato cos they taste the same. However, the sauce is not exactly very outstanding to actually warrant such overwhelming taste over the entire dish. Not to my liking at all!

My sister in law tried the curry rice, which she said it was nice. I took a bit and find it quite special. It is not very spicy yet fragrant as the same time. Perhaps it is worth a try if you are into curry rice.

My other sister-in-law tried the Kimchi ramen, which is another hair-dropping experience. The other comment after taking 1 sip is, salty. The whole soup is darn MSG-loaded. It makes the Kimchi taste very canned-food with preservatives. Not worth trying at all!

My brother ordered the mushroom with scallop which would turn out to be the winner today. The soup tastes very fragrant and rich, and there are 3 scallops inside which was said to be quite fresh according to my brother. Perhaps a can try dish as well.

On the whole, we were not very happy. Though the service was quite good, and ziyan got a free toy from them, but the serving is very very small but the price is very very high. Perhaps not really worth going back too many times.

JB trip
Yesterday my food guide cum tour guide shawn took me to JB to shop and eat. (I muz spend my entire break to its fullest before school starts again, so if you want someone to go out find me k!!) Anyway, ya, so we took a bus in and then spent 2 hours plus shopping somewhere(I only follow haha) We spent 300 over RM on clothes alone which was darn cheap compared to buying here. I got myself a pair of jeans, shorts and singlet. He got 2 long sleeves and 1 polo tee. All for about 150 odd sin dollars.

The highlight is still dinner which he promised to bring me go eat nice seafood. Hence we took a cab to Taman Sri Tebrau.

Taman Sri Tebrau
It is just like our hawker "zhu chao"

This is the stall from which we ordered from. Somewhere in Malaysia, for a moment it seems like I was in Hongkong because of all the chinese around me speaking Cantonese.

First dish is hot plate tofu. It looks like our regular hot plate we can get in Singapore, but this was much nicer. It was a pleasant surprise when I put it into my mouth. For a moment I thought it tasted very different. Instead of the salty or spicy we get here locally, it was sweetness and freshness I got. It took me a while to realise that taste was from the shrimp paste they had put in during the preparation. The tofu is very soft and smooth and the viscosity of the sauce is just nice, not too watery nor too thick. However, it is a pity that egg is a bit thin and got stuck to the to base of the plate.

Rating: 5, 4.5(becos of the egg)
Price: RM 8

As usual, we ordered Thai Style grouper again to see the skills of the chef. It wasn't a big letdown like what we had gotten at bottle tree park, however it didn't make the full mark. Till now, the best fish I had eaten was at maxwell market. Perhaps it is the inherent nature of the flesh of grouper, the skin is crispy on the very superficial but after you passed that, it became a bit hard and chewy. The sauce was much better, thick and rich enough, with a good balance of sourness and spiciness, however there is a slight fishy aftertaste. However it doesn't really bother me much since it wasn't too strong. For a price like this, the size of the fish is definitely worthwhile.

Rating: 4, 4
Price: RM 17
Another of the usual dish: Sambal Kongkang. It was really near what we had eaten at bottle tree park, but it is a bit more dry here and more spicy. The sweetness never fails to heighten my spirit. Though it looks drier, but it definitely tastes juicy enough. However, the spiciness might be a bit too much and covered the freshness of the vegetable. I suppose for those who is used to spicy food shouldn't be too bothered by it.

Rating: 5, 4.5
Price: RM 7
Shrimp paste chicken. A very normal dish which you can get anywhere in Singapore. Not exactly very fantastic or special. However what is worth mentioning is that the shrimp paste doesn't stink. There are some places which make this dish with quite a stinking paste, but this paste doesn't. Otherwise, nothing fantastic.

Rating: 3, 3.5
Price: RM 10
We were thinking since we were there might as well try more food, but the satay was a super duper wrong move. The meat was so dry and hard and it was stuck to the stick such that there was no way you can pull the meat out with your teeth. SUPER NOT WORTH EATING!

Rating: OUT!
Price: RM 10

Alright, that concludes food entries for this time round. =) Got good food muz intro k. Waiting to go Clementi Market with Yue Yan to try all the good food she is going to intro me there. So muz stay tune bleah.

2008-06-03T23:05:00.003+08:00

Zhuang Zi's Philosophy: Understanding yourself

It was an enriching half an hour spent just now watching a program on channel U on Zhuang Zi's philosophy lectured by China University Lecturer Yu Dan. Today's topic was on Understanding Yourself.

I took my notes and would attempt to discuss about what had been said in this entry with my own inputs. I benefited from it and hence I hope you can as well.

Introduction:
Today's topic is one which had been discussed over and over by so many different people, formally and informally, at different points of time in life. Zhuang Zi's philosophy had managed to open up more insights in me today, which many had failed to earlier on. It is not easy to make someone feel so especially when it is such an overused topic.

History of Zhuang Zi
Before I go on, maybe a little history on Zhuang Zi in case people mistakes him for Kongzi. He was an influential Chinese philosopher who lived around the 4th century BCE during the Warring States Period (zhang guo shi qi), corresponding to the Hundred Schools Of Thought(bai jia si xiang) philosophical summit of Chinese thought. Zhuangzi's philosophy is mildly skeptical, arguing that our life is limited and the amount of things to know is unlimited. To use the limited to pursue the unlimited, he said, was foolish. Our language and cognition in general presuppose a dao to which each of us is committed by our separate past—our paths. Consequently, we should be aware that our most carefully considered conclusions might seem misguided had we experienced a different past. "Our heart-minds are completed along with our bodies." Natural dispositions to behavior combine with acquired ones—including dispositions to use names of things, to approve/disapprove based on those names and to act in accordance to the embodied standards. Thinking about and choosing our next step down our dao or path is conditioned by this unique set of natural acquisitions. (Adapted from Wiki)

It is difficult to understand ourselves
Why is it so difficult to understand ourselves, when the closest thing to us in this entire world is ourselves. Yet, the closest distance turns out to be the longest distance I can ever imagine. Humans are very receptive animals, we learn new things and we learn them fast. We adapt very quickly and this explains our victory in this evolution game, at least for now. At the same time, we are very easily influenced by our environment, the external forces, people's comments and remarks. In modern context, we call it social stigma or trend. We force ourselves to change to suit this society, and hence in this progress, we lost ourselves. And then, we have to face the repercussions.

Greek Sphinx
A Greek story of Sphinx was quoted. Ares sent the Sphinx from her homeland to Thebes in Greece where, she asks all passersby history's most famous riddle: "Which creature in the morning goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" She strangled and devoured anyone unable to answer. Oedipus solved the riddle: answering, Man—who crawls on all fours as a baby, then walks on two feet as an adult, and walks with a cane in old age. Bested at last, the tale continues, the Sphinx then threw herself from her high rock and died.

A baby comes to earth in its purest and finest. Full of vibrancy and life. A future awaits him. All that surrounds him is full of hope and happiness. An adult steps on earth in his prime. Energy and drive. He enjoys life to the fullest and life is about pursuits of knowledge, money and happiness. An old man stood still on earth. He had gotten all the knowledge, fame, money, reputation. He seems to have gained, yet lost. Which is the phase that represents your true self? The main reason why human finds it hard to understand themselves is because at different stages of life, we took on different forms as the environment changes and the external forces vary.

The Emperor and the Waterbird
Zhuang Zi suggests, if we cannot understand ourselves, then we can never understand others and we would not be able to show kindness and do goodness to others. Another story was told. There was an Emperor who picked up a waterbird and brought it into the palace. Everyday he presented upon it the finest meat, wine and music, like how he would treat a VIP. However, as the day passed, the bird refuse to eat and eventually died.

The bird died because the Emperor is treating the bird like how he would want someone to treat him, not how a bird would want someone to treat it. It is a simple story but we keep witnessing it happening around us. We often impose our principles on others and never for once would we stop and ponder over the simple fact what is it that the person thinks or wants. Society is such a scary thing. A group of people come together and then fix all the principles and force everyone to follow. Rules, regulations. As Zhuang Zi put it, sometimes when we try to keep to rules and regulations set by humans ourselves, we are going against the tandem and flow of nature.

Perhaps some examples would explain it better. Parents who think their kids should learn how to dance at 4, piano at 5, violin at 6, go for special classes in pri school, then go to university and be a successful man perceived by the society. Did they ask what the kids want? Why are they depriving them of the happiness and joy they should have. All they want the kids to do are based on what they think their children should do. No matter you are married or not, do not impose your principles on others, what you think is right or wrong, may not be right or wrong to someone else, it could well be wrong or right for him.

Qi Wu Lun
There is this chinese saying used to describe someone who is very beautiful, which goes by the fish will sink in despair and the birds will fly away in shame.(cheng yu luo yan) In (qi wu lun) Zhuang Zi questioned this, how do you know if the fish and fly went away because they think the lady is too pretty? You are not the fish nor the bird. Could it be they were too disgusted by what they think is ugliness that they had seen. This then reminds me of a very famous dialogue (from yu zhi le: The happiness of the Fish) between Huizi and Zhuangzi which goes:

Yu Zhi Le: The Happiness of the Fish
Zhuangzi and Huizi were strolling along the dam of the Hao Waterfall when Zhuangzi said, "See how the minnows come out and dart around where they please! That's what fish really enjoy!"
Huizi said, "You're not a fish — how do you know what fish enjoy?"
Zhuangzi said, "You're not I, so how do you know I don't know what fish enjoy?"
Huizi said, "I'm not you, so I certainly don't know what you know. On the other hand, you're certainly not a fish — so that still proves you don't know what fish enjoy!"
Zhuangzi said, "Let's go back to your original question, please. You asked me how I know what fish enjoy — so you already knew I knew it when you asked the question. I know it by standing here beside the Hao."

Zhi Le: The Great Happiness
Zhuang Zi had yet another story, "zhi le: The Great Happiness" which tells of the encounter between Zhuang Zi and a skull. Zhuangzi expresses pity to this skull he sees lying at the side of the road. Zhuangzi laments that the skull is now dead, but the skull retorts, "How do you know it's bad to be dead?"

The butterfly dream
Zhuang Zi's dream is again another very famous story(zhuang zhou meng die). Once Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi.

Everything boils down to perspective. Things change when you look at the same thing from different point of view. Which is right or which is wrong? None. And this also makes understanding yourself difficult because things changes with the angle from which you look at a thing. It applies to principle as well. Your principle is never right, do not be so full of yourself, just be sure of who you are.

There is the world outside and the world inside
From the day we are born, we are destined to go through the different stages in life. As we pass each stage, we open up and we learn something new. However, the world is as big as it is outside, on the inside. We never fail to explore the outside world, and with each stage in life, we know the outside world better and better. However we had neglected the inside world.

The Fishing Master
A story on a very skilled fishing master. He had three sons and all 3 of them were trained under the father but all 3 of them did not attain the level of mastery as their fathers and were even worse than average fisherman. Someone then asked when did they start learning and they father replied since young. Then he was asked did they train directly under him and the reply was a firm yes, he made sure he taught them every single skills and techniques he had known. The last question was, where did they fish, and the father replied they have always been fishing from their boat, and he would always be behind them teaching them the signs to look out for and where is the best place to spread the net. The wise man then gave the father an answer: The reason is because all the 3 sons had were just the skills and knowledges from the father, but none had the experience from failures, setbacks and real fishing.

We were being questioned. Everything is so structured now. Our life has been planned no matter how messy it might be. Study, work, career, marriage blah blah. Sometimes, do we plan too much until we avoid all the setbacks and failures, so much so that we failed to look inside ourselves and ask what we want and who we are. We are always pursuing things in the outside world but the inside world is left untouched.

Ren Jian Shi
Zhuang Zi suggests fasting of the mind for self-reflection. We fast, go on vegetarian but nothing bests mind fasting. A translation from chinese in zhuang zi's "ren jian shi" would be similar to: we do not use ears to listen anymore, instead we use our spirit to feel and experience it, then we let it enter our heart and use our heart to feel it before concluding what was the "spoken" truth.

Conclusion
I find it hard to conclude cos all his philosophy will just send your mind thinking in so many directions. But I suppose the main thing I learnt is in ren jian shi. Since we are so affected by the environment and external sources till we lost ourselves, we should then learn to "see" and "hear" things with our spirit and hopefully through that we can find ourselves back. Judging using the ruler obtained from the society would only result in a vicious cycle.

2008-06-01T00:28:00.003+08:00

Never knew bathing with two bandaged feet could be sooooo difficult, and yes indeed it was! If only I knew it would be so, I would have chosen to do one leg at a time yesterday. Oh well, but if so, probably I would say I should have chosen to do both at the same time then to save the trouble now.

Anyhow, the more important thing is I just noticed that the side had bled again and in fact was already dried up when I finally took notice of it now, which simply suggests it had happened quite some time ago when I was totally unaware. Probably because of all the straining during bathing or because of the walking. Perhaps tomorrow I would consider bringing a stool in or something and try a little something different to get around the obstacle. *wink*

Anyway to smiley the passer-by. Thanks for passing by. Again. Ya.

Pain was endurable, and I try not to take painkillers at all, except for yesterday after the LA had worn off. Didn't manage to attend Damien's birthday party today, and hence missed my chance to meet Vincent there as well. But I dun think my feet can last me all the way there and back. I only went out to amk central to sit now in the cinema to catch a movie with the guys and then took bus home, and now my bandage has this patch of dried blood. My mum's so going to give a earful tomorrow when she sees this, since I went out against her will. C'mon I didn't even really move a lot and watching a movie just needs you to sit there. Those were the reasons given but obviously they seem more like excuses now.

Sex and the City:
My first impression of the movie before even watching it was, a show about 4 old ladies.
After watching it, my superficial thoughts about it was: It is more of a girl show and guys probably wouldn't love it a lot, but neither would they dislike it I suppose. It seems as though thr girls can relate more to it, and the guys... probably can only try to relate to steve or Big.

After some thoughts, I slowly filtered out some of the things which I feel maybe both genders could talk about, than try to get guys to understand why women need big wardrobes and are crazy over shoes and bags. I think we can understand, but just that it would be hard to relate or talk about them, cos it would be a "I got a louis bag!!!" from you and then a "ok, that's...great" from a XY, versus "oh my god!!! you got a louis bag!!!" from a fellow XX.

Love Vs. Love:
Carrie and Mr Big Vs. Samantha

I suppose it is kinda weird to just pull the 3 of them together and start talking about them but I feel there is something interesting to talk about them.

Carrie and Big's wedding got blown off because of a reason which Carrie took 5 months to finally realize. A marriage is just about you and I, two of us. Carrie made the mistake of changing everything to I and me. I feel that... I want.... I hope that... In the end it is just the marriage, the ceremony, the day itself and no longer just you and I.

It resonants with what most of us believe, joining of two hearts into one, selfless love, compromising and even willing to sacrifice for the other person. However on the contrary Samantha had showed us something else, that is loving yourself.

She needs sex but too bad she ain't getting enough. She stuffed herself with food and do all sort of things to stop herself from crossing the tracks. She managed to maintain the relationship but was she happy? Did she get what she want and need? Remember the principle about each getting his and her goal in a relationship? Hence in the end she decided to respect that love she always has for herself and left him.

Isn't love all about selfless and sacrifices? But when you are doing in on your own expense of happiness and needs, would you still do it? She did it for years until she realised she wasn't happy at all.

Supposedly, I say supposedly if Carrie had always wanted a grand wedding and now Big doesn't like it big at all, she got to balance between how much she is willing to sacrifice for Big and how much she wants happiness for herself. But of course this is an invalid issue cos Carrie is not someone like this.

Sacrifices Vs. Love. How much can you give and how much do you take? The art of love, the art of life.

2008-05-30T18:49:00.007+08:00

Today marks the end of our CSFC posting at SGH. The OSCE test this m0rning was quite memorable, I wonder if it is good or bad.

Anyway, our OSCE examination for CSFC comprises of 10 stations, 3 mins for each station, 1 practical communication skills, 1 theory communication questions, 1 blood drawing, 7 questions on signs and symptoms.

I happen to start at the last station (it is rotatory) which is the communication skills station. I read the paper saying it is a 32yrs old Mrs Tan coming in for headaches. I turned to the lady sitting on my right, she doesn't look past 25 even. So we have to pretend she is Mrs Tan, married with 3 kids, and has been very stressed over work because her husband had been retrenched recently. Before I can finish asking 3 minutes was up, but it is alright, we are not expected to finish in 3 min (of course not)

The next station is blood drawing and the station was at the other side of the hall. Initially I thought people will just brisk walk over but once they rang the bell, everyone ran. I shook hand with "Mrs Tan" and by the time I told myself I should run I think I am the last people to reach the station. But the lady assessing me appeared to be more gan jiong than me.

Me: "Erm.. where is the glove?"
Her: "No need no need, assume you have, quick quick"
So I got ready the needle and holder while telling her what I should be doing such as asking for patient's identity etc.
Me: "Ok then I need to apply the tourniquet now" (going to tie)
Her:"Never mind never mind use this one" (pulling a strap on tourniquet already placed under the arm)
So I simply strapped the two ends together. After which is alcohol swab and then I put the needle in.
Her: "ok ok, can already"
Then I put the tube in.
Her: "can can can, take out now" (when the tube is not even filled yet)
So I took out and then apply pressure on the point.
Her: "you need to apply for how long?" I paused for a while.
Her: "5 minutes k"
Me: "Ok, 5 minutes"
Her: "Ok, good good good, can"
Then i went on to talk about labeling and ..which I think she wasn't really interested.
Her: "You can sit down first and wait"
I sat now and looked around and realised the rest were still only pushing in the needles or putting in the tubes. I looked at her and smiled. Made me rush like mad.. but she was so nice. =)

Anyway some photos of the car:

Back to today, after OSCE, was supposed to go back for some HPV vaccine talk at 11.30, but there was a break in between so I went to UWH at YIH to see what the doc can do with my legs. In the end the doc said must go for wet resection. I was wearing my formal wear with leather shoes then. The nurse took one look at me and told me to go home change and come back at 3pm. A more experienced surgeon would help me do the minor op. So I went to change, which I then understand why...

My infected left big toe.

My infected right big toe.

The operation was faster than I thought, but also more painful than I thought. I was given LA but the 3 shots on each toes were the ones that almost made me shout out. It was initially 2 shots on the right, but when he started cutting I could feel the pain and only then I got the third jab to relieve the pain.

The toes kept bleeding non stop because of the rich blood supply in the toes so they have to use pressure bandage to stop the bleed. Now my toes look like some drumsticks....

As the LA wears off, the pain came back which is only relieved by laying still or painkillers. Lets hope the pain can go away asap, but it probably needs one week to heal.

2008-05-27T22:24:00.003+08:00

Down with a cold again, it seems like I have been falling sick quite frequently. Got to do something about my lifestyle if not life would so so miserable. Actually I had contemplated going for a flu vaccine, and hopefully after that I would reduce the risk of kena infection again. Well the vaccine is not 100% effective, in fact quite far from it I think.

Staying at home whole day makes me miss people around me all of a sudden. Felt very sad I couldn't turn up for the class dinner organised by sheryl. Was really too sick, plus I was eating vegetarian. Probably due to the rare chance of having spare time, I actually started to think about all those people whom I have not met for so long because of busy schedule. Especially my BMT and primary school friends. I am slowly screwing up my social life a little I realise, I got to do something before it starts to worsen.

My dad's suppose to be coming back tonight from china, but the flight is delayed so he would be back tomorrow morning instead, probably around the time I am suppose to leave house ba. Then my brother just flew to Czech last night. The whole house is very quiet and empty out of a sudden. Lucky Ziyan is still around to make a din in the living room. I am not complaining, but my brother's trip out of town left a lot of undone things for us to settle for him. Bills, loans, deposit money, and most importantly send the car to the workshop.

It was raining very very heavily around 4 plus. It was only the second time I had driven ever since the last minor accident. I was really damn stressed but my sister-in-law was on board with me, so I told myself I cannot show my fear and uneasiness. The heavy pour was seriously affecting my vision, the road was flooded, and the sky was dark. Fortunately I managed to drive to the place somewhere in Tulf city. It was the last time I am going to drive that car, cos it would be sold. I parked the car, cleared everything on board to my second bro's car, then took some photos. Though it is not my car, but I had driven it quite a number of times, to sentosa, to school, to KK, to a lot of other random places, and even had my first accident in it. Oh well, now I have only my P plates left.

Actually these few days I was quite disturbed with my spiritual training and probably my teachings. Even when I stepped into the temple, I couldn't find peace. When I prayed to Buddha, peace still did not come. I experienced anxiety and a lot of disturbances from the environment instead. No matter how many sutras I chant or how long I eat vegetarian, if peace cannot be found in the heart, all is futile.

I went back to search the root of the cause, and realise it boils down to my teachings. In chinese, it is called "yi" which translates to meaning/intention. I am suppose to be on 3 days vegetarian and probably more if possible, and chant sutras to pray for deceased in sichuang and those who survived. I was very surprised by the process, and as I said, disturbed. Eventually I realise it is because I am confounded by my "yi"

Perhaps my teachings are still weak. I started to ask myself and perhaps all of you, what is your purpose for helping people or doing good deeds. True kindness comes from the heart and only wishes to do good for people. And at the same time, we are accumulating karma for ourselves, or if you are not a buddhist, you may say you feel happy helping someone. So I questioned, you are doing a good deed because from heart deep down you wish to help them or because you want to accumulate karma and be happy? Is it a by doing so I can accumulate karma so I will do, or is it a I want to help cos I want to help and at the same time I get good karma too, or it is a I just want to help only.

To me, true kindness is the third, but I dun find anything wrong with the second cos the primary intention is still to help. I started doubting my intention, my thoughts became wild and confused. I tried telling Buddha that I dun wan the karma I am supposingly accumulating and I rather have it all converted to merits for the people, but it doesn't work.

Eventually I realise it is because I am the second type, I tried to be the third but deep inside me I am not. Buddha could see it through, in fact he doesn't need to, I am already struggling with myself. Buddhism encourages people to do good deeds to accumulate merits so that one day we will find enlightenment. From this basic fact, it seems nothing wrong with doing a good deed and accepting the karma that comes with it.

The heart should flow like a stream. I guess I shouldn't be bothered by such things that cause turbulence in the flow, or even go against it. When you dun think, peace will descend on you, and then you will see the true meaning to your action. I guess it means we shouldn't be too bothered by whether there would be karma or not. Though I said I dun wan it, but by saying it, it is evidence that it is in the mind, like a large stone in the middle of the stream.

2008-05-25T00:45:00.024+08:00

Dinning Place Recommendation:

Today our dear shawn did some research and manage to dig up this wonderful place near Khatib MRT station. Initially it didn't even occur to me that this place had been featured so many times on TV, or rather it is more of I had seen this place on programs but had never know its exact location.

Presenting to you: The Bottle Tree Park (walking distance from Khatib MRT)

Actually this whole place could be seen from the train heading from yio chu kang to Khatib. However, because I hardly go by that route anymore, I didn't even know the old fish farm which was formerly situated there, had turned into a private park, with resturant, live seafood market and paintball field.

The entrance has this very japanese shrine designed gate. I was looking at that barrel and for a moment I was wondering if it is just being held there by the two chains. I still want my head.

Taking all these photos makes me feel so much like a tourist and not someone who actually takes the train at yio chu kang MRT station every morning.

I remember seeing this place on TV programs so many times, featuring prawn fishing and fish catching for the kids. This is the kids' pond for fish catching. On the other side is the prawn pond. The park also has fishing ponds as well.

This park is just so heartlander, in terms of everything, especially the scenery. You look from outside in, it is like an OBS/farm place, but as you slowly turn, you see ponds, children playgrounds and then HDB and the MRT tracks!! I can't find any better description than "close to the heart"

This is the farm view of the park. At the back of the photo is actually a lotus pond, which reminds me of what phuket fantasea where we dine at a similar place as well.

The view of the urban area from my dinning table. An escape into the nature and rural. (not that rural also la)
Train passing by, then you can see people in swan boats in the pond. Imagine this scene at night, it would be so romantic and breath-taking I presume. The combination of a swan boat pond with the mrt in the background is just so special.
As we were finishing dinner, the sun started to set and the whole park is slowly taking on another form.

Alright, let's start with the dinner proper. Today we have two judges, Mr Shawn who is very picky with food and Mr Zebra.... who likes to eat. =)
Our picky Mr Shawn who has a history of wasting food, plates after plates because they "taste normal". A fish lover, likes to eat different type of fish, cooked in different ways. Hence today he specially ordered the thai style grouper.

Appetizer with rice. The appetizer tastes like kimchi, but more of a chinese version, using vinegar to marinate the vegetables. Nothing fantastic at this point of time.

The first dish is Sambal Kangkong. It doesn't look too dry or too wet, and the smell is very fragrant. I was initially worried if it has the soil taste like some kangkong I ate somewhere, but this tastes very fresh and clean. The spicy level is just nice, it doesn't hide the freshness of the vege yet it doesn't lose its spicy appeal. Some places tend to make it too spicy hence masking the original taste while some totally lack the spiciness. This dish was wiped clean by two of us.

Shawn: 4 stars
Zebra: 4.5 stars

The next dish is one of their signature dish: Fried Crispy Pig Trotters. The dish is served with two sauces, BBQ and garlic. All the bones are displayed on the plate as well. The skin is crispy and fragrant, just like your regular roasted pig skin. The meat is very tender and soft. However, the problem occurs when you keep eating it makes you feel a bit sick. I suppose it is because the oil content is a bit high. The meat is not the fatty meat nor is it dripping oil, but I suppose it is an inherent thing about pig trotter.

All the meat and skins were eaten up, leaving the bones.

Then I revised my year 1 anatomy.. heehee

Shawn: 3 stars
Zebra: 3.5 stars

The third dish is another of their signature dish, banana with scallop. The banana is very hot to eat immediately, and after eating one when it is still pipping hot, I can only taste the extreme sweetness of the banana and nothing else. After cooling, I eat again and this time round I could taste the rest of the ingredients better. But the sweetness is still too strong. However, after dipping it in the sesame mayonnaise, the salty sourness of the mayo reduce the sweetness and bring out the freshness of the scallop, making this weird combi work finally. So.. must eat with the sauce!

Shawn: Vote voided cos he doesn't like sweet stuff
Zebra: 3.5 stars

Wala, gone! Most of it was eaten as testing.

The most waited fish. It looks nice on presentation, but after we took our first bite, both our faces change. The thai sauce is extremely diasppointing.... I had eaten so many better ones outside.

Shawn ate most of it. The thing about the fish is as you continue to eat you dun find it too bad or too good. I suppose the crispiness saves the fish. But I strongly dun recommend the thai style fish at all.

Shawn: 3.5 stars
Zebra: 3 stars

So turn up, the kangkong is the winner! The bill was $85. Quite expensive, and the food isn't really the best and finest, but the ambiance and scenery might just worth the money.

After dinner, we went to explore a bit and this is the field they use to paintball fight. They claim to be the biggest and newest paintball field in Singapore, but I am not sure if the one at Orchid country club smaller. Cos it really doesn't look big to me at all.

This is the OBS part of this park. There is actually some primary school camping there, apparently there is space for them to pitch tents and do activities. This tree watchout is just situated out of nowwhere. But if you can see, the surrounding is undergoing construction work, probably going to further renovate the place for more uses.

This is my favourite pic which was taken at the end after leaving the park. Can you believe behind me in this picture is actually the yishun stadium?

2008-05-24T02:07:00.003+08:00

Complains on Medical Students

Somehow it seems inevitable for medical students to get the most number of complains during our course of studies. Because of the strong association of medical students with doctors, which is of course reasonable, we have to uphold a certain image and professionalism in front of the public. It is nothing difficult honestly speaking, but sometimes the charges against us can just be so, subjective and targeted rather than being objective.

Common complains would of course be disturbing patients, which we haven't gotten any formal complains yet or could be just because it is an issue to you can blame the rain when you want to sun your clothes.

I just wish to talk about an old issue, have had been discussed and debated some time back already. However back at that time it didn't really concern us but now doing posting at a public hospital, we are part of the issue undeniably.

I am sure most of you had heard of the public complains about medical students wearing their lab coats to the food court in hospital or NUS canteen. Their reasons: The lab coat carries germs and by wearing them to eating venue would bring the germs there. I understand their concern, and respect that as well. However we were talking about this issue among ourselves days back.

What is the crap about us carrying germs to the canteen?
1st: The white coat is not even acting as a protective gear, it is simply for identification purposes, which means it shouldn't be carrying all the "deadly" germs. For contact with "deadly" germs, we have our other PPE (personal protective equipments such as mask, vest etc) which would be the one being contaminated first, not our coat.

2nd: By wearing our coat out we cause public distress, then what about nurses? (no offence) But seriously, in terms of contact with patients, the nurses have relatively more contact than us. They wear the uniform in the morning, then go to lunch in it, and then some go home in it. Hi public, you dun feel distress huh? Of course I am not implying they are carrying the "deadly" germs cos the nurses have to do hand hygiene and all protective measures as well, probably even more well trained than the doctors do.

3rd: We carry germs from patients to canteen to contaminate the public. So are we going to ban patients from going to the food court. Patients, wheelchair-bound or not, in hospital gown, walking and eating in the food court. Isn't that large containers of "deadly" germs walking around compared to our supposedly only contaminated coats. Of course it is again an assumption of the public that "deadly" germs spread easily by just walking around like this. Yes some could, but for a patient down with that, most likely he/she would be so sick to walk around or in isolation rooms. For us, we always wear PPE when we go into isolation room.

It might sound a bit unprofessional of me to be saying all these but somehow I think we should be objective. All in all, it seems more like an issue of "dun come here and hao lian you are the doctor" then cook up some lame stories to gunshoot us. This is the last thing we ever want to happen. Posting has been stressful and tiring even for us to even care about such things. I remember reading things like public complaining students playing with their stethoscope on the train. With regards to that, I agree it is just not appropriate at all. Otherwise, with regards to the white coat issue, I personally thought it is a red-eye syndrome more than true concern.

Some people may just put it a good way, "we are not saying cannot wear, but why cannot put it away lei?" When you are only free at 1.30 and your next tutorial/meeting with doc is 2.00pm, you think you have time to go to the student medical centre then go down to eat then go up take the coat again? So sometimes when we were following our doctor who obviously dun have to wear lab coat, we would have to take out the coat upon entering. So by doing so we do not cause distress, when the "contaminated coats" are still in our hands while we are walking around. I seriously know not what to do.

Letter on forum complaining about DJ

I was reading the newspaper few days back when I came across a public letter in the forum section complaining about DJ. The mister was saying DJ is undermining the job of traffic police whenever they give warnings about slowing down the speed along certain roads though they dun specific the traffic police is carrying out their ops there. I was a little dumbfounded for a while. It seems like another case of being subjective or objective. Is the person feeling unfair that people got saved by the warning?

Perhaps I misunderstood what ops means. To me, it means they are catching speeding cars, and if so, they should be "hiding" along potential speeding area which would be dangerous to do so. What is the purpose of having ops? Is it to gain more money cos funds are lacking? Or it is to serve as a deterrence? Isn't the objective just to deter drivers from speeding? Like how we deter littering by imposing a fine?

If so, the warning by the DJ serve the same purpose isn't it? Unless the traffic police has to submit a certain quota of speeding cars then perhaps the DJ are smashing their rice bowl. If so, then please say so, then we will get more people to speed so the traffic police can zao dian shou gong also. I sincerely hope this would never be the case...

The only the other side of the story I can think of is that by catching more people and fining them, it serves as a stronger warning to the person(probably to the rest?) But I doubt the effectiveness because I doubt a person who had been fined once would never dare to speed forever. It would probably be so for a while only. And how many people can we deter in this way? We are not talking about a fixed population which we can slowly fine everyone and then everyone would be scared. This is a open system, new drivers coming in each day. As we deterred some, new ones come in, old ones go out. It is just like birth rate and death rate. Is this method really fast enough to reach out to the mass?

If so, then why are all the speed cameras known? Isn't it a bit stupid to let the public know where are the cameras if they are hoping to use catching and fining drivers to enforce this? For some, there are even signs saying speed cameras ahead. Perhaps I am wrong, but to me, these cameras are situated at potential speeding areas where speeding would be very dangerous, hence they put a camera there to deter people from speeding in that area. At times, many people even question if the camera are all functioning or just for show. But this is the point isn't it?

It is ineffective and kinda stupid to catch people to make them learn a lesson cos it reaches out to very few people. It is just like taking away all our police and security guards. When theft occurs, then we catch the person and punished them, then we convince ourselves we had one less thief. So we slowly cut down the numbers (supposedly if they never steal again) one by one... ya right... Now can we please put the police patrol and security guards back there... thanks...

It may be right to say if we want to eradicate something we have to pull out the roots, and that is best done by letting someone make the mistake then we punish them. But for a lot of things, we just need to make sure they dun do it at the wrong time and wrong place can le la. A lot of drivers would agree with me, there are roads where it is really dangerous to speed, but sometimes along small roads, it is really kinda stupid to maintain at 50km/h. There is this hokkien proverbs which translates as, "why must we be so hard on ourselves, we should just do things to suffice, there is no need to be too particular"

2008-05-20T21:53:00.003+08:00

It is rare for me now to actually blog on consecutive days unless there is something which I really wish to talk about, and YES, it would be today!

I told myself to calm down before blogging in case wrong words may fly out of nowhere. After working with other people in the small group, I finally realized how hard HR can be. I guess I come from a clique whose members are very mild and laidback, even in face of situation when aggressiveness is anticipated, we had handled things in a very mild and quiet manner. Perhaps our interactions, mannerism and words are all considered mild.

And that is why in face of people whose mouth is just so active, and whose words are not really the nicest thing you can least wish for, and whose brain is just so competitive and aggressive, I really need to be careful. Cos the truly mild person would just ignore and keep quiet. But unfortunately I am not 100% mild and I tend to be aggressive and fight back when it is too heated up. That is quite fatal to me, though it is not your quarrel-and-slap-face type of fatal, but just a I-got-a-small-conflict fatality for a mild person.

I just have to admit I have much more to learn and cultivate in this process.

Seriously I never like conflicts with someone like this person. I wouldn't mind a conflict with anyone from my clique, cos we know after the heat, we would cool down and return to our humble self. I actually sent a message, as I often would should I be involved in any conflicts. Usual reply is a "ok la, dun worry" and mostly would be a "i am at fault too" cos it takes two hands to clap. But today, the reply was more of a "ok la" followed by a "as long as you don't do it everyday"

As another person said, this person is a popular person, probably rich, proud and confident. Nobody would believe anything negative abt him/her, they only associate this person with funny and everything sunny. Ok, fine enough, I think many people are better off as friends than colleagues. I agree this person may be a great funny friend, but probably not a good partner to work with. We have to agree with that, I admit I may not be a good person to work with as well. But rest assured, I don't even have the intention to bad mouth the person or anything along that line, cos that is just not what I would do. Or to put in another practical way, I wouldn't want everyone to turn against me right, supposedly this person is so popular that a lot of people supported him/her. =.=!

After talking to a close friend, I realise where I went wrong. I had trusted people too readily. I had happily treated everyone as a good friend of mine and I just literally be myself and have fun with them, talk rubbish and stuffs. And this also happily expose me to dangers. Maybe I should learn to just shut up and be more aware of strangers. Stop being too friendly zebra, it doesn't pay.

After writing so much I think I still have a bit of fury left, probably because of the fact that I am angry over someone whom everyone supposedly likes. It makes me feel like I am some big bad wolf. But dun worry I am just going to keep my mouth real shut. If that someone feels that I am a threat (which I see no reasons why) or just wants someone to make him/her feel superior, or maybe it is just the character, I swear I would keep my distance from now. No point getting too close during work.

The art of HR, I am still learning after BMT. In fact in BMT I didn't face much problems. OCS was the time when I learn how to shut up and keep my distance which I did well. Perhaps I am also angry with myself that I forgot to bring this skill here.

Ok, enough of complains. I need to go bath and sleep.. tomorrow 7.30am morning rounds again....

2008-05-19T21:45:00.002+08:00

Alright guys, time to start getting a bit "feeling" I had actually intended to blog this entry in chinese, however eventually decided to type in English instead for easier reading and writing. I was still telling myself, no matter how "English" I possibly have gotten from being so long in medicine fac, you are still who you are, so am I. It is a chinese man/boy(i would prefer the latter) inside me, no matter how I package myself on the outside (seems like a failure anyway, so shall not bother). Feelings deep inside the heart are still better described in chinese I suppose. Or at least they seem more close to the heart.

(Notice the irony.. I am still writing in English, one of the push factor is pure laziness)

An entry on a topic discussed by so many people, so many times on so many occasions. Yet, a topic that can be pondered over and over again. It makes me wonder if it is because everytime we discuss about it, we gain new insights? Perhaps. However, in my opinion, I think it is because it is something which we always have it around us, close to us, part of us, so much so that we start to see past its presence and existence. We stop thinking and noticing about it, to the extent we lose track of it, and eventually lose ourselves as well.

The topic is, life.

Would like to relate this topic to two movies which I had watched, one in the cinema, one at home from a rented DVD.

Accuracy of Death- A movie about a shinigami and.. the accuracy of death which would then mean the accuracy of his judgement. The death god, chiba, would assess whether a person who is going to die, should "proceed" as fated, or to "suspend" the impending doom. I wonder what people get when they walked away from the cinema after the movie. What is the insight they had gained, or they walked away thinking it is a lame movie.

I was thinking about this. The reason for the movie choosing these 3 person as chiba's candidates in the show. They have to be linked in some way. If Chiba had decided on "proceed" and let the young lady (can't remember her name, Fuji something) die, she wouldn't have became a singer and had another phase of her life later on. Her parents died, her foster parents died, so did her boyfriend. She had a sad life, she attempted to commit suicide, she doesn't wish to live. She seems to be the perfect candidate for "proceed", but Chiba let her live to pursue her dream to become a singer. She eventually got married, had a child, but lost her husband as well. Losing hope, she abandoned her son and swore not to love anymore. She carried on her life and became a hairdresser. She then became Chiba's third candidate in the show. Her long lost son contacted her to ask to meet her, but got refused by her. But he insisted that she see her grandson whom she did.

Though life after she was allowed to carry on living continue to suck, but she still manage to pull through. In her last few hours, she knew she was forgiven by her son, and she got to catch a glimpse of her grandson. She knew they were doing well, unlike her other close ones who had died. She can die in peace, happily without regrets. If she had died earlier on, she wouldn't have experienced the beauty of life, the peace and happiness she can get now. Just like how Chiba can see the blue sky eventually. We just need to hang on, be patient and we will see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually. This is life. If we really look at her life, she did meet with more setback later on, but she pulled through and she can die with no regrets eventually.

Happiness is not about not having setbacks and failures, it is about accepting them and embracing it. Life at the point when she is young vs now when she is old, has not much of a difference, but it was right that she had lived on because she had finally be able to accept life as it is.

Then I was thinking about the second candidate and see what is the link. Then I realise something. If Chiba had let the boss died in the gunfight, it would mean the lady's son would have been killed. If he had not let him died later on in a RTA instead, the son wouldn't have been inspired to live life to its maximum and probably because of that, he had forgiven his mother. Then there would be no forgiveness and grandson at the end. If so, would madm fuji-something be able to fulfill her last wish and die in peace?

How important is life? Life is nothing special when compared to history and the future at large. However, life is something very important to the person living it. I think I am starting to understand something else. A lot of people keep talking about touching people's hearts, affecting many people's life blah blah blah. But what is all the talk about making your life significant by extending it to affect others. Your life doesn't need to affect others in order to be special. Your life is something important to yourself, whether it has an impact on a larger scale or not. This is the spirit of life I suppose.

The DVD movie I watched was the Last Holiday. It is a beautiful movie with a super happy ending, clique but nevertheless still touch our hearts. The lead character is always busy with her work, no time for a lot of things. Then one day she was diagnosed with a terminal illness which makes her see things she had never did. She quited her job, went on her dream holiday which she had been planning and saving up. Everything is just posh and the best. Best suite, food, clothes, massages etc, until people in the guest start guessing if she is some famous person. Supposedly it is due to the fact she thought she is going to die, her personality touched a lot of people and everyone loves her. The plot has nothing to do with life, so no point talking about it. But the ending is like... the doctor misdiagnosed and she is healthy and she found the truth love who has been around her always. Typical plot.

But seriously, imagine you only have limited time to live, what would you do? Many people had asked this question and then end with a you dunno when you will just drop dead so live everyday like you are going to die tomorrow. All I can say is... bullshit... Here in singapore, you do that, you confirm die tomorrow. Hey, this is also life k, face reality.

2008-05-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

This week had been very very busy and tiring. Went for 2 operations on thursday and another 2 on friday. 2 liver cases and 2 appendix cases. I was a bit reluctant to say much here, cos I am not sure how much I can say. But all I can say is operation is nowhere near what we assume and probably see on TV. Fortunately I get to scrub in and help to assist one of the operation on friday. Just as they said, even holding the retractor was quite exciting already. And not to mention we also excitedly join in our tutor's night call on friday. Being a doctor, is busy and tiring, as from what I can see, but thankfully still in a enriching and fulfilling way, at least at this point of time. Trauma patients from fall and RTA, bitching, hysterical acts and words (I prefer to say they are hysterical) from some doctors, medicine is really a very interesting and challenging place.

Sometimes I really find it a pain, to unable to say things freely about things I had seen and heard cos this is a public blog. So I should try to blog other more generic stuff like.... let me think about it...

2008-05-14T20:06:00.003+08:00

It was a long long day, and very tiring as well. I was in the hospital at 7am plus this morning, waiting to go for morning wards round with my tutor at 7.30am. The round ended at around 9 plus, after which we went to kopitiam with the team for coffee. We then headed for some X-ray conference only to be fang ge zi by the radiologists who are having a meeting somewhere. Afternoon was spent at the clinic from 2 to 5 plus. Compared to medicine posting, we saw a lot more things for surgery posting.

Just a few remarks after following the surgeons ard today:
1) They seem to be a whole lot more fun and lively than the med people. They crack jokes, laugh and gossip. They are proud people who are confident of themselves. The ward rounds was less tense and more laughters were heard. At the X-ray meeting, they were eating catered food and listening (supposedly if the radiologists turn up)

2) They are more real people. They speak their mind and wouldn't care too much about maintaining the perfect image. This makes them whole lot more humane (no offence) They talk about walking through the back door so patients cannot find them and stop them (hence cannot go home) They do the "ok I pretend I called everyone already and nobody is free" They play sabo games and stuffs and everything else.

3) However, they are still just as nice as our med tutors, at least at this point of time. I hope it wouldn't change. =)

4) Now I know why the queue always takes so bloody long... Trust me, it is not the doc's fault (sometimes it is theirs la) but from today, it seems more like the patients' problems.

We had met different type of patients today, kinda interesting and enriching for most, and for some, it is just frustrating and pure irritating. Cannot bitch about patient here, so shall not post anything further.

I guess I was a bit lost and bored after the whole day, I went back home dazing. Somehow on the bus home just now I thought of something....

Title: 7.00am bus

He is a discipline teacher of some school, someone who leads a regular and disciplined life. He wakes up at 6am everyday on the dot and leaves home at 6.50am sharp. Rain or shine, it never changes. He never fails to catch the 7.00am bus.

Her son's primary school is just round the corner. She is single mum and widow, whose husband died in a road traffic accident last year. Life hasn't been kind to her. Everyday she would send her son to school early in the morning before going to work. She always catches the 7.00am bus outside the school.

He is studying at a prestigious local school. Every morning, even if he is sick, he would catch the 7.00am bus. Few stops down the road, someone would board the bus who can simply cure all illness in him with a smile. She is studying at the girl's school just opposite his. He knows she would always board the 7.00am bus.

He lost his sight after a head accident years back. His wife left him with his children. His will power had brought him further than he thought. He worked at the Singapore association for the Visually Handicapped. The bus captain of the 7.00am bus would always be there every morning to aid him in boarding and alighting.

Life is hectic and chaotic. Life is unpredictable and uncertain. Life is about hardships and setbacks. Life is about memory and what the future entails.
In such a disorderly world, people enforce order to make themselves feel secured. They planned things so they wouldn't be lost. They do the same thing over and over again to avoid uncertainty. Sometimes, it is as though they are hiding from the world, they are numbing themselves, they are burying somethings, they are ignoring them.

They are escapists.

Life is never smooth sailing. Life can never be all orderly. It only takes something very small to disrupt this cycle, to disrupt everything, and eventually make you see what you have missed all these while.

2008-05-13T19:16:00.002+08:00

It had been on so many occasions, when I opened this page and realised I had nothing constructive to write about. Had life been so mundane or I have slowly gotten use to this everyday's business day in and out.

I had made many attempts to walk down the streets, seeing people walk pass me. Working class, families, students, couples, children, folks, middle-age... I looked at all of them as though waiting for someone to return my stare. Should they do so, I would request them to tell me how they had spent their day. I would love to just sit there and listen to their day, their woes, and their happiness. I suppose it would make me feel different. I thought if I can imagine myself in someone else's shoes, I can feel a little different. However, in the end, I don't seem to find interest in listening or talking to anyone.

In the past, I would call this emptiness. Presently I call it fatigue. Tiredness. Weariness.

Everything looks different now. Every sand and rock doesn't feel and seem the same as before. The crowd became suffocating. The noise was deafening. I can hear everyone's breathing, in a chaotic symphony. Amidst the rackets, I heard my heartbeat vividly. I felt the palpitations. On the right side of the chest, in the stomach, in my neck. It was crushing, and suffocating.

I heard myself saying somethings. Things seem so strangely similar.

I retreated back to home. The night was hot and noisy. But everyone was asleep, the whole neighbourhood was dead and still. But it was noisy. My eyes were staring at the television. Someone asked for wings to reach the sky. She is like an angel. However, we forgot angels are the only ones with wings, demons have wings as well. There are two types of super villians in this world, one is someone who is just evil to the core, one is someone who doesn't even know he is wrong. She kept on asking for more and more. With everything she had, she set on to ask for more and more. Nobody can ever satisfy her hunger. Yet she doesn't know, she thought she just want happiness. She killed for her happiness. How do you define happiness for yourself? At which arbitrary point can you actually stop and tell yourself you had found what you want? How do you differentiate between greed and betterment?

I recalled Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris. Life became a mess there, cut up into bits and pieces. You can relate to some, you try to relate to others. Your life seems to be jumping around from point to point on the timeline. You were young, then old, then dead, then young again, married, single, wooing some girls, a kid, out of love, chasing your dreams. Would life be actually more interesting if it is in a mess or should things flow in an orderly manner? Planned versus unplanned. Ups and downs versus smooth-sailing. How do you make ups-and-downs secured, how do you make smooth-sailing exciting?

2008-05-11T21:51:00.002+08:00

Half of CSFC had passed, this coming tuesday would be surgery posting, which means I am left with one last day tomorrow for PE and clerking for medicine. Medicine posting till now has been interesting and enriching minus a damn boring 3 hours lecture on cardio PE which all of us should know by then, the tutors have been very nice and helpful. Everything is positive. Now is to hope that surgery posting would be similar cos according to peers, surgery tutors have been quite nasty...

Everyday dressed in formal, taking train to and fro SGH, going around wards doing PE and clerking patients, going for tutorial, at the end going home to study. Slowly, I really find someone getting older and older, on the inside (probably the appearance too) When I see school kids, JC students walking around in orchard etc, I felt so distant from them. I listened to what they say, I observed what they did, I looked at their smiles, I heard their laughters, these were so near yet so far. I am only away from JC for 3 years, yet it seems like 10. Perhaps I can no longer find the connection, I can't relate, or maybe I miss those days when I can just enjoy my teens and have fun without needing to worry about a lot of things. To quote someone whom I had once laughed at, I dun wan to grow up. Grr.... crisis.... I want to feel young again!!!

2008-05-01T19:52:00.003+08:00

These few days have proven to be rather uneventful except for some hiccups on monday and a gradual realization of the meaning of learning in the wards. Uneventful might be a blessing, since it also means nothing disastrous have happened.

Monday was a messy day. It started right in the morning when I drove to school. The engine sort of died on me along an upslope. After stopping at a traffic junction, no matter how hard I stepped on the accelerator, the car just wouldn't move an inch. Cars behind me started honking while I started to panic as well. I checked my brakes and everything, then stepped on the pedal again but the car just wouldn't budge. Then slowly I realized the car was moving backwards. I immediately pulled up the handbrake while honks were still sounding away. In the end, the situation was only remedied after I restarted the engine. For the rest of the journey to school, I was on tenterhooks, praying so hard that the car would not play such a trick on me again. For every stop I made at any traffic junction, I would slowly release the brakes before the light turned green to check if the car was going to move off later. Thankfully all was fine till I reached school safely.

I reckon it was all the panicking and tension during the morning, it was halfway through the first lecture when I recalled that I had forgotten to turn off the headlights. So I had to use the half an hour break after the second lecture to rush back to kent vale to switch off the lights and then went back for lectures. After my day at 5pm, I was seen rushing back to kent vale to avoid the jam. What filled my mind was I would be dead meat should the car did what it do in the morning again, right in the middle of a jam. It would be good, and in fact best if I avoid the jam. Fortunately, the journey back was uneventful.

Second week at SGH, everyday is so eventful until it becomes uneventful. However, at this point of time, I just want to make a little comment, probably had been felt or commented by many already, or could even be taken as an insult to some. To those whom I may have enraged by what I am going to say, I accentuate that this is purely my personal view.

For the first week when everyone was still new to clinical postings and was less engaged in clerking of patients since we were all still learning the ropes, patients at SGH were still having their short-lived peaceful days. From the start of this week, we are beginning to hear more and more patients commenting why so many people came to ask them questions, eventually rejecting our request to take history and do physical examinations. Some were blatant and told you a straight NO even before you probed the question. Few would actually chase you away halfway through because they got irritated by the many things you have to do on them. However, most of them were still very nice, despite some rejecting our examination, they would still apologize provided you asked for their permission nicely and informed them you were learning. They would feel bad that they cannot help you, but on the same scale, they need a break from all these mosquito. Fortunately till now I had only met nicer patients who would reject you nicely. The worse so far was an Indian male patient who got tired halfway through my examination and asked us to leave. Initially I thought we enrage him but towards the end his tone and attitude became nicer as I helped him to dress back.

We are so caught in a dilemma. With the patient's interest at heart we dun wish to disturb the patients especially those who would have dyspnoea upon exertion or pain. In addition, after knowing they have been clerked by other of our students, you feel bad having to let them go through the same old procedure again which is not going to benefit them but only us. However, only by clerking these patients especially if they are good cases, then can we learn and hopefully if the progress flows smoothly, we would be able to help more people in future.

This is our learning, at the wards.

However, there is one thing which disturbed me a little. That is the excitements of students which are derived from very good cases with very good signs and at most of the time they are the very ill patients. We seem to be happy about the fact that someone has the signs we wish to see but bear no thoughts for the fact that these cases which we like are those who are really struggling to live and get on with life. I cannot blame everyone, including myself to want to see and examine these patients so we would know how things really look like and feel like in reality. It is our chance to learn things, and that is the whole point behind learning at the wards. However, I think some of our friends could have watched their tone and excitement a little, and spare some small little thoughts for the poor old man lying on the bed with a cancer in the spleen, thinking a lot of people came to see him to show concern when they were just there wanting to examine him, and after knowing he was in too much pain to allow us to palpate him, they just left. He thought we were there to show concern about his condition. It is not fair to say all of us just wanted to do the examination and doesn't give a damn about him, but some did, or at least they gave me the impression that they did.

Someone told me I cannot be so I-forgot-the-word, because all the patients we saw would be like him and we need to numb ourselves. I agree, we need to watch our emotions so that it would not overflow, but I seriously feel that the basic empathy should be there. Perhaps my definition of the amount of empathy we should show is slightly higher than others. It could be my short-comings but I prefer to see it as something I respect myself for.

2008-04-27T02:32:00.002+08:00

Gay Couples

I was at an Italian cafe at raffles city with my usual gang after shopping for aj's present and dinner with the intention of having a highly recommended cake by aj (though in the end we didn't get to eat it cos it was sold out). I was observing two guys in my 2 o'clock direction, and obviously a gay couple. They are not some celebrities whom paparazzi would love to snap a photo of them together, but just an ordinary couple. What had managed to capture my attention was the affection shown between the two of them and the sweetness radiating from them.

Put aside the image of two sissy guys acting like two sissies touching each other and so on, depending on what you would like to imagine. Superficially, they are just two ordinary guys. They had shared a plate of I-dunno-what-it-was (cos it was already gone, probably somewhere down their duodenum already?), were then chatting and laughing, playing some hand tricks or games sort of things, hence occasionally their hands would be in contact. At this point of time, I turned away not because of disgust but just to look at the menu. After browsing through I lifted up my head to take a look at them again. This time, two of them were looking at one of their's phone, probably looking at some photos or messages, and very naturally the other party just placed his hand lightly on the guy's shoulder. They called for the bill shortly after and left.

I am not some psychotic person who likes to see guys touch each other, but for just that few moments, I can sense a very soothing mild affection and sweetness radiating from them. In fact, I admitted I was quite touched by what I had seen. Probably also partly because they are straight acting, so the put-off factor wasn't there. It is the presence, the feel, the scent, which will hit you straight when you see two lovely couple interacting with each other. At that point of time, I was asking myself, how would someone else have reacted or felt should he be in my shoes then. Disgust? Oblivious? Ignorance? Condemnation? I wouldn't refer to what I had seen as PDA (public display of affection) but it is a clear affectionate interaction between two guys.

It sparked off some thoughts about the issue of PDA. Generally speaking (not confined to any group), why would people actually present PDA such as kissing and hugging, which many people from the older generations or from more conservative groups would be disturbed by. I tried to think of some reasons which may include:
1) It is just a natural thing to do at points of time and they are someone who are not mindful of people around them
2) It is actually a way to prove your love for someone though it sounds stupid. However, just like why mistress want a man to give her status by marrying her, by showing PDA with someone, it could mean something to either party that their love is for real (at least they feel and think so then)
3) Just to show off (I wonder if anyone is like this), perhaps because they have very beautiful gf or good looking bf whom they want to show the world.
4) They are just purely very touchy people, who can only feel love through the third-dimensional contact.

So now back to the core topic, for many gay couples, even the most basic form of PDA such as holding hands, is so out of reach for them, unless they can really stand the stares of people. However, it is always easier for lesbians to go out and act like a couple, hold hands and even put their arms around the waist and not invite too much attention. I guess it is more socially acceptable for girls to hold hands and get very close to each other physically in public. Or it could be some lesbians dress up to look like a guy, so as to create a false image unless someone really takes a very close look. However, do they dress up with such an intention or it is how they usually like to dress up, though we have to agree with the fact that not everyone of them is so successful in this illusionary act.

In face of a socially unaccepted short-coming, different people reacted differently: take it at ease, hide in the closet, be open about it, be elusive, resent it and so on la.

Choosing the Guitar

As mentioned earlier, we were shopping at pennisula for aik joon's present; an acoustic guitar. He knows about it already but still doesn't know how it looks like, so I guess we can still keep him in suspense until next Saturday. Surprisingly that we have not preempted that such a situation would occur, the three of us, jinny ivan and I happily met up to buy a guitar. Three idiots with no musical background and can barely play a guitar properly. Whenever the owners say, "want to try playing" we would just exchange stares, then I would take it over and pretend I am choosing some fish at the market seeing how heavy it is. I was telling myself if I want to try it would just be playing the chords which I remember, but I am not confident of my strumming.

I am cool about being an idiot, but just that there is always this tinge of regret in me that I have not pick up any musical instruments at all. Learning something new always = spending money. I guess I have to shelf this, after I finish my acne treatment probably next year.

Empathy

We are all training to be future doctors and empathy is one skill or you can call it a tool, which we all must pick up and possess along the way. Some believe since it comes from the heart, it is something natural and innate, some believe it can be picked up and nutured. But, how far can your empathy goes? You empathize with the patient, that is considered individual level. You empathize with the kinless old folks, so you volunteer yourself at rehab centers and homes. Community level. You empathize with the poor kids in rural villages in cambodia for example and go on a mission trip to improve their health. Cross border level.

The world now is facing a crisis, shortage of food. It didn't hit us very badly cos we are quite a rich country. But imagine people living so far away from you, they work hard and it is barely enough to feed the whole family. Now, due to the shortage of food the prices shot up. This increment for us seems less significant, but for others it would mean they can no longer even barely feed their family. More families would have their kids starting to work at mines. More children will die, because of famine or death due to work. More mothers would have to sell their children and be separated from them forever. More villages would be hit by famine so badly then even adults start dying after suffering from malnutrition. Diseases would start to spread, killing even more. We empathize with them, but what can we do? Donate food to them, yes but who would you help, how much can you help? While many were suffering out of our borders, we were queuing outside some restaurants complaining why the queue was so long. But that also doesn't mean we should go on hungry strike as well because we empathize with them, if not singapore's delicate reticulated economy would be at risk.

It always seem like empathy have to be followed by some actions. While we empathize with people affected by this crisis, did we ask ourselves what we can do? Or are we more interested in US presidential election now or what are the latest albums and movies out? Personally I feel that there is nothing wrong should someone find himself being unable to empathize with a global issue unless we are being hit ourselves. Life still goes on here. We empathize, we learn to treasure food more for a week. (Since young, we have been hearing our mothers saying cannot waster food cos kids in africa got no food to eat. Perhaps cos we have been listening to the same stories since young, such reports have no longer any effects on us) Before we broaden our capacity for empathy, we can try to do it more on an individual and community level first cos they are the ones whom we can reach out for directly.

Medicine Education

Results for year 2 were out on friday. I can finally release my fingers after crossing it for so long. It reminded me of something which my med friends were discussing with me during our food trip the other time. Imagine this, you go for spelling test, you submit after finishing, then you get back the result 7/10, you pass. Then full stop. You did not get back the paper to see where you go wrong.

This is how our education works in medicine. We paid astronomical amount for the tuition fees of such a "prestigious" education and we get this shit. Be it MCQ or essay, we submit the papers and all we got back was the results. Ruiming said it could be that the paper is set in a way that as long as you can pass it means you have known enough. I am skeptical. The papers do not test only the common things and we should know thing, they test small uncommon things and good-to-know thing as well. How about a candidate who score well for all these uncommon things but has many erroneous knowledge about the common disease? Can you actually trust doctors like this?

If it has to be in this manner, I would rather not waste time sitting for the exams and just study on my own and test myself. At least I can check my knowledge with my books.

2008-04-26T00:53:00.002+08:00

Second week of CSFC posting just ended, never thought "working" from 8 to 5 can be so tiring. More of mentally less so physically though. Go for tutorial, read talley, clerk patients, examine patients, risk being chased out by patients, mild one will be just rejection, some of them are really very nice and helpful.

It has been quite a while since I felt a bit emotional. Today's swing caught me off guarded a bit, for reasons till now I can't pin point but definitely got to do with Jasmine's friend, Julian whom I met today. I guess I would need more time to identity what is the disturbing feeling I had after this dinner appointment.

But my usual clique saved the day somehow haha. Been quite a while since I last saw them and they actually came down to somewhere near SGH with the intention to surprise me but sadly I had left to meet jasmine and julian. So I was thinking they would have gone elsewhere to eat but suddenly they appeared at orchard. Kinda sweet la, which I need after one whole week of "Good morning Mr/Mdm, I am zejia, I am a medical student, can I...." I suppose these would be the same faces I would see slowly age throughout the next decades, of course together with mine.

Maybe I am tired, or maybe I am really getting old. Recently I find myself standing in between the youth and the old (generalisation) It is neither here nor there. I find a lot of things which I would do in the past not much of an interest to me anymore. But at the same time, I find boring stuffs boring. Maybe I am just losing interest in everything.. lol.

Even blogging now seems so difficult. Everyday is going through the same thing. My emotions were numb. Except for surprises of exceptionally sweet messages from someone (lol) everything is just so dull and calm. Meet up with the guys whenever I am free, they are slowly becoming part of my life, jasmine as well (cannot lump her with the guys later I kena kick and punch) (but she is NOT so violent la) Dunno la, somehow I just feel old!! Help!!!

2008-04-19T22:42:00.003+08:00

One week since I started my CSFC posting. Learning at the hospital is no longer like lectures and tutorial and somehow I like such learning style more than anything, cos you can decide your own pace. However problem will arise when you are undecided or simply have no idea what is considered a good pace.

I am caught. Between being a competitive bitch and a go-easy self-disciplinary learner. As wc put it, I am just a bitch somewhere in between. Erk....

First encounter with patients, luckily we had similar encounters at Renci before already, hence this time round, the only difference would be the status. And also fortunately, our current status doesn't warrant much responsibility and expectations, so it is still amicable and everything good. Haven't met angry or silent patients, nor difficult ones. Almost all of them are very friendly and open up to you. Only encountered a depressed patient just yesterday, which reminded me of the times at Renci. Sometimes it is hard, cos frankly speaking sometimes you feel for them and some portion of you agree with what he said, but you know you have to say the politically correct answers and replies. It is a MUST of course.

Put all these aside, not suppose to comment about anything else. Generally, though the duration looks pretty ok for me (8 plus 9 to 5) but after going through it, I realise how tiring it is. Physically and mentally. Mentally is because all the tutors try to teach us so many things in one day.... I am not amos tay k.... nor wee ing.. i am just an africa free roaming animal with black and white stripes.

Oh ya, almost forgot, dun watch FUNNY GAMES! It sux totally, sux big time. (sorry for random thoughts) Just dun watch, full stop.

Otherwise the past week has been... ya... just like that. Did I mention I was sick? Ya I was. Then nothing much, everything is about hospital, clerk patients, take history, physical examinations, run here run there, talley, oxford guidebook, tapper, sleep, sleep, coat, sleep, sleep...

p/s: oh i forgot, if anyone doesn't mind being my pseudo patients muz tell me k, i can practice my physical examinations of the different systems on you. =)

2008-04-13T21:32:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow would be the start of hectic life again!!! I really wonder if I had rested enough, and the answer is obviously a NO, but oh well, this is life, it doesn't go as you wish and it doesn't wait for you. Sianz.....

Went out with the guys yesterday to celebrate my belated birthday cos I was busy during my birthday week preparing for my exams. Many thanks to them for organising! =) Went to watch Definitely, Maybe. I had read quite sucky review abt the movie but after watching it for myself, I think it suits my taste. It is hard to explain, cos as aj had put it, the story is quite plain, no obvious climax. You are just watching a loser guy who is a mess, and his story with 3 special girls in his life, appearing and disappearing at so many junctions.

But my comment was, though it seems so seemingly impossible for such a thing to happen, but it makes sense, it is plausible and somehow understandable. Why would he fall for the girls one after another? It seems like he doesn't have a girl he truly loves, or maybe he loves the 3 of them equally? But in reality, it is true isn't it? You have 2 very good female friends in your life. You chose one. But after you broke up, you might end up with the other. Is it the second best, or? Many people refuse to realise what is the actual reason. I mean, it is hard to understand also, love is such a weird thing. Whatever the reason is, when something like that happen, most people around them will normally shut up. What can you say? Are you even sure what is exactly happening? I think even the couples themselves are not sure. I say, who cares what had happened, as long as now you are certain he or she is the one, just go ahead. Love is not about your brain but your heart.

I find it hard to explain what I felt in words. I think maybe when you are in a relationship or had been in one or few before, you would probably understand and probably couldn't put it into words like me too? But one other thing I picked up was, your life is so long. See how many times and at how many different junctions of his life, the girls appeared and disappeared and appeared again. I dunno why I had this feeling when I watch it, but life is still long. Many things can happen in future. If your relationship had crashed like a plane now, it is not the end. Who knows how many years down the road, you will have another new story? And probably a more exciting one?

Anyway, then, I had to carry my 10kg baby from ps all the way to holland v for dinner and then to wala wala... Oh my god.. I have never thought 10kg weights can be so heavy.. seriously.. BUt the highlight was wala wala last night. We drank, chatted and enjoyed the live band. As aj said, chill out. It is really nice to chill out, haven't done so for so damn bloody long.... Hope we have the time to do that like again, cos I think I would need one of that soon after tomorrow starts heehee =)

But the point is, I am still very excited about clinical =)

2008-04-12T00:19:00.011+08:00

My face experienced a super outbreak during the last weekends, making me realise one thing. Sometimes when something (esp a treatment) is expensive, it doesn't necessary mean it would be good. Plus, you have to wait for good things.

I just switched my doctor for obvious reasons needless to say much. This new doctor has a chance of being my tutor for my family med or dermatology posting in future, so should be more trustworthy I hope. I mean, how can you expect me to trust you to teach me if you cannot treat me? Haha. Most importantly, his medicine is more original and his charges are more reasonable.

Consultation with him was interesting. He showed me books he had written with a more superior doctor at my previous clinic (implying i am stupid to look for the other doc, yes i agree, thanks) He adopted the dose constrain method vs my current time constrain method, and... Dun really think it is very ethical to quote or name or comment, so shall not go into what he said. But it is the typical point out the previous doctor's fault and then help to find some excuses for them. Help cover each other's backside sort of thing. It just seems so funny seriously. But ya, cannot disclose here =) Now is see if his treatment works. But he shouldn't be in the dermatology line, I feel personally, not because he is not good enough, but more of he doesn't say the right thing that patients want to hear. I mean, you know patients who go see their face are different from patients who go see a doctor when they are feeling sick. You need to handle their needs differently and even he agrees, he is not someone who can pamper and talk to his patients well.

After woochiao's car kena crashed by some stupid driver. I happily go scratch people's car in the carpark....(when the person is still inside) I swear I will never drive 2 bitches in my car, especially when I have not enough sleep and especially in a foul mood. His license plate got chipped into 3, maybe chipped is too mild a word? And the scratch is so damn bloody long. I was too pissed off and shag at that point to panic. At that point of time, it is just what the f la, can we just get this over and done with fast. But obviously, I was still smiling and all, but inside my blood was really boiling la.

Pillowman was at SRT, and because of that, for the first time I actually set foot into clarke quay. Not the riverside but the pub and restaurant area inside. I swear I didn't even know (or maybe i know just that I haven't been there) there is such a place. Cos everytime we meet up, it is also at city hall, orchard, bugis. Why can't we go there to chill and stuff, it would be so nice. The next time, I happened to be there again and we decided to drop by tcc. I was facing the river, eating their new desert, the Glam Grannie's Tart (something similar) Life at that moment, is just peaceful and soothing.

Celebrated my brother's brithday on the 5th of April, cos I got to go for pillowman on the 6th. Decided to poison my whole family by cooking dinner for them. Western style, with everyone's dish set nicely before the dinner already. My new dish, salmon baked bacon (which had received quite positive feedbacks before), potato salad and scramble tuna egg. Super long time since I cooked for my family to eat, hence due to lack of practice, I took quite long to prepare dinner and I sweared it was super tiring....

Yesterday went sentosa with the initial plan to cycle, but in the end ended up playing volleyball instead and got myself burnt. Today went kayak with joyce and gang and got myself even more burnt. My whole body now is just red, painful and hot..... I dun wish to see the peeling stage sia....

But today's kayak was really very exciting cos we went to many not suppose to go places? Heehee, count ourselves lucky the coast guard didn't appear? But the thing is, there is no sign nothing to say no entry or restricted sites, so we just happily paddle and paddle from kallang and ended up at esplanades park. Anyone knows if it is not allowed to do so?

The ferris wheel is one of the "checkpoint" in between our starting and end points (later)

This is our end point. See that stream of water? (jet?)

Yes, it is the merlion!! And yes, that is me and siew yi. It looks dry, but trust me, it just felt like raining.

Can you imagine this scene? The group of us paddling right under the merlion...

The IR, still constructing of course...

Esplanade!!! I was still telling them, who can get such a view haha, exclusive k. Heehee.

Disclaimer: We really have no idea are we allowed to do that or not. But since there is no sign or spoken rule to us that we cannot, we are innocent k. Bleah. Must cover backside first. =)

2008-04-09T01:31:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, people like to probe too much into some issues, and then pen down their feelings and comments on them. Evidently, me inclusive. However, knowledge, like everything else, is a double-edged sword. It lets you gain more insights into things, but it also makes you feel more burden. Seemingly burden but in actual fact, they are really none of your business for now. Yes, some does affect you in near or maybe the not-so-far future, but getting burdened over such things now? Perhaps it is also about how to pick up the issue, talk about it, slap it upside down and then let it down after that.

I guess not only people who pen it down, people who read will start pondering as well, and they too gain insights, and some probably more than just insights.

What is a mixed feeling, or mixed feelings? Is it two different emotions alternating and hitting you at once, or it is two emotions blending into a strange different taste that makes you feel weird and uneasy all over. Is there a definite definition?

As your loved ones proceed to pursue their dreams and achievements, deep down you feel happy and glad. Cos nothing beats seeing them smile and having a life that they have wanted, can control and a life of success.

But what if at the same time, you feel a twitch in your heart, cos this progressive on their part will soon become a something unpleasant for you.

But I guess afterall, the light will always win. Sayings such as if you love someone you will want that person to be well and happy, will eventually dictate your decision. But deep down, you know how you really feel and all you can do is to suppress them, cos the other party is just not able to calm these feelings down at all. It is a mixed, a tasteless blend, with a sour and bitter aftertaste.

Random thoughts, random feelings. Pardon me.

2008-04-07T00:17:00.003+08:00

The pillowman by Martin McDonagh

It was a funny night, but also a very dark night. Not just literally that the sky is dark, and which night is not dark anyway? We had passed the times when flashes were seen in the sky at night followed by bombing at many locations. Or at least, we had passed those times, here.

I would like to begin with technical review, which might be neglected by many people. The props and setting are simple, probably since the setting is suppose to be just, simple- a cell room. Perhaps to the extent of a little shabby? Probably I am expecting half of beauty world set lol. But, at least I get to see some set design, which, resembles beauty world, yes. For those who had watched beauty world, you would have remembered very clearly that on two sides of the set, has two platforms which could be withdrawn or pushed out to the stage for set change. In the pillowman, we have a less sophisication form like design on the left. The rest, is simply, simple, probably because the show should be the focus.

Lighting was ok, but I was impressed by the idea of projecting comic strips onto the wall. It is not like one page of comic onto one flat wall. Each little square and rectangle of the comic appearing individually one by one corresponding to the acting, on two walls at an angle and more impressively, having to go around an area demarcated by the door. Initially, I thought it is just nice. However after the intermission, I realise how delicate the arrangement was. Sound was great. There are so many plays which either the background music is too loud, or too soft to the extent you wonder why do they even want to play it. But I think how they play with music here. It goes very smoothly with the flow of the show, with a fast beat music when tension builds up and then fade off very naturally and timely as tension in the show suddenly faded away. This is best represented by the scene when Tupolski (adrian pang) had wanted to burn away Katurian's stories because he commented on his CHINESE deaf boy story, and eventually did not do so. All I can say is that the music swayed your mood subconsciously without your realisation, which simply means the volume is just right.

But I got to comment a little of sets change. It was rather slow and.... probably because the stage wasn't too dark for some reason. As I had told some juniors, if you want to do a long set change, if you can be seen, do it with ease and speed and grace or best intergrate set change into the story. Only on the basis that you can never be seen, then you can run and have big movements while changing sets for all I care since I can't really see you. However, the crew was very seenable today...

Enough of technical part. The play lasted 3 hours, with 10 min intermission. What is Man lasted quite long also, but for many parts I felt it was reductant. However for pillowman, strangely, I felt the duration was still ok when it was apparently longer. Acting wise, I have no words to describe. Everyone was just perfect. I have to admit initially I have some difficulty understanding fully what they were saying since they were speaking with an accent, quite a strong british accent. Thankfully it was temporary. It reminded me immediately of lei yu. No link at all, just that one has a very strong mandarin accent and one has a strong english accent. Another impressing part of the play is its effect.

Can you imagine seeing real electrodes sparked on contact, on stage (like those you see in Mr Bean when he tried to use electrodes to resuscitate a fainted guy) Then, during the last scene when Katurian was executed, I suppose not many people would really expect a real explosion. Apparently during the intermission, I had caught eye of the van doing mini explosion parking outside. Initially I thought they were here for the fire and electrodes only. But I did not expect so much that they really gave a us the sound of a real gunshot. And the blood that Katurian bled from the time Ariel bashed him up, to the point of his execution, there was blood. And I think the mechanism was the same used in TV. Since the explosive company had been employed, why not use their service as well, =) Or they could have simply used the stage technique. Either way, the effects were good.

It is a dark comedy. You laughed at the wittiness and pun. You laughed at the jokes and yourself. But after that it sets you thinking. As I told shawn, it is just a simple plot, with no big twist except for the third mute kid who turned up not dead but only green but this twist isn't too impactful. You don't have to ponder too much to understand what had happened, it is written on the forehead for you to read. Personally, I would prefer a big twist which would make the audience realise they have been going in the wrong direction (such as that in like shadow, ru ying shui xing) or an ending or something which you have to ponder over to get a conclusion. But pillowman is just smacked in your face.

The story:
Katurian had a bad childhood, he became such a good writer (for you to measure) at the price of his brother who was tortured by their parents as part of their experiment so as to affect Katurian's healthy mental development in order to write good stories. (in a way) His brother became retarded, he found out what their parents did, killed them. He grew up becoming a bit cynical and skewwed, writing about children being tortured and stuffs. His brother re enact his stories and killed supposedly 3 children. Katurian was caught cos they killed in the same way as his stories. Later he found out they are his brother's doings, hence killed him to save him from impending tortures (a thinking which explains his story pillowman which i will talk about later) Then he confessed to murder of 6 persons, including his parents, brother and the 3 kids so that his stories would be preserved together with his case files. However in the end, turned out the last kid didn't die cos his brother had told him the wrong story he had used to deal with the kid. Hence, he was discovered to be lying about the murder of the other 2 kids as well. However, eventually the murder of his parents and brother still sent him to the execution ground, when 10s before his death (which was cut short by Tupolski) he came out with another story, which seems to have shown a change in his skewed mental state but only to be left dead without an ending. (To be touched on later)

The plot is simply, nothing to talk and ponder abt. But the stories he wrote, besides being used as a guideline to killing and torturing children, they seem to serve more than just that. Here, I can only do so minimum to fugure out what some of the stories meant, to the best of my capabilities and I am sure the rest of the stories should have other insights as well.

The story of the little green pig:
There is this little green pig which is green, sort of the glow in the dark green on the runway, and looks different from the rest. Hence, he is always being bullied, despised at and everything bad. But he doesn't mean cos he feels quite happy to be a little perculiar. One day the rest of the pig grabbed him and throw him into pink paint, one which cannot be wash away and can never to painted over. He cried and prayed so hard for help but god didn't help him. So he looked like just the rest. One night, a heavy rain came, a very green rain which made every pigs turned green, also one which cannot be washed or painted over. But cos the original green pig had the pink paint which cannot be painted over, he remains pink. So now, everyone is green except for him and he feels happy again being a little different from the rest.

I believe some people do wish to be different maybe not weird, or some do like being weird i dun noe. But why do poeple wish to be different? Different in a better way or? I think there would be times when you feel that you just want to be different, was that during your rebellious puberty time or? Could it be you want your identity? Being like others doesn't give you your own special identity and so you decide to sway from the rest to create your own identity and self. Or you feel that by being different from the rest, it gives you a sense of fulfillment, satisfaction, or simply a feeling that you are alive, not just a dead part of this similar community. Or could it be an act to cover up the fact that you are really peculiar. If you yourself can't accept the fact that you are different, how do you expect to accept people's comments on yourself. Hence the best way is to convince yourself you like being wierd and from there, being immune to cold remarks and chides. Whatever the reason is, is it wrong being perculiar and different?

As seen in this story, did you ever realise that what is norm and what is perculiar/different? There is no fixed guidelines to what is normal and what is not. It is simply decided by the majority. Majority of the people has two eyes, so if you have three you are just weird. If you are in a community with three-eyed people, you will become the weird one. Then how do we find a true self identity yet not to be weird and different? Or it is perfectly fine to be just different?

The Pillowman Story:
There is this pillowman which is made of pillows all over. His job is to console and comfort children and sort of persuade/encourage them to end their lives so that they can be released from this world and escape from future sufferings. However, he will teach them how to do it tactfully to resemble an accident so parents can accept the fact better. But he always feel sad doing so, yet he knew it is like best for them.

It is needless to say too much cos the arguement will just go round and round. Yes the future may be filled with sufferings and tortures, but does that mean we have to and can escape to avoid everything in future. Wouldn't there be any other things such as happiness other than sufferings?

This is linked to Katurian's last story which ended early thanks to Tupolski. In the story pillowman found his brother and told him to end his life to stop his sufferings. But his brother chose not to. Even though he may be sufferings now, but his sufferings can help Katurian to become the best writer and in future his brother will read stories to him. He made a choice. He chose to endure all the shits and embrace the chance of seeing the sunshine at the end of the road. But if we chose to give up now, we would never know.

The question may be, then why must it be me suffering for my brother to become successful and why can't it be the other way? I remember a channel 8 show which ask a question, a peasant and an official wanted to cross the river and the boatman can only take one. Who should he take if he will take the more important person? He chose the peasant, cos he is the one who farm and provide food for the officer and everyone else, without him, where is there food for these noblemen to eat? In this system, everyone plays a part, some play the so call suffer part, some play the so call enjoy part, but we need both for the cycle to flow. Yes, the peasant may suffer and the officer gets to reap his success, but in return he will do service for the peasants and improve his life, or at least maintain it. Simply put, you give and you take. You may be giving now, but eventually you will be taking back your share.

The pillowman doesn't push the children to die, he provides comfort and assurance to those who already wanted to die. There are so many things which we say we can die for, but are they just like pillowman? They are only excuses to make yourself feel better and assured that you have reasons to leave this world. They are not the true reasons. The truth may just be you lack the patience and courage to see what future may bring, failures and mishaps are just tools you use to push yourself off the edge.

At here, I shall end my words. It is a long post, as I said, it is a thought-provoking play, a dark comedy. Life is dark, but just make it a comedy to lighten the mood.

2008-04-01T19:55:00.004+08:00

So glad that it is all over(hopefully?)... NS was very manageable, many thanks to Prof Ong. But Microbiology was really a super killer..... All the bacteria, fungi, viruses. parasite, infectious diseases and immunology in 1 paper!! I only managed to sleep for abt 1 hour this morning, most of the time feeling damn freaking stressed up.... I actually dozed off when doing the last essay question... oh my goodness.. my handwriting was.... corynebacterium-like....(it has a characteristic appearance under the microscope described as chinese letters)

It is amazing how your brain work sometimes, be it good and bad la. NS managed to get set in for a bit too much, so much so that yesterday during studying for MB, NS stuffs kept popping out of nowhere!! Haloperidol suddenly flashes through my mind when i am studying anti malaria drugs. Then dunno study what shit, the limbic loop came to my mind... I guess my brain is juz.. shit

Ok, shall not talk abt med stuff, cos talk too much many people dun understand, talk a bit doesn't make sense. Now juz cross my finger and pray, pray hard. With the time constrain, I should be glad that I managed to finish studying everything except for antibiotics.. I only studied them one hour before the exams and I picked marcolides, tetracyclines and aminoglycosides to study only. I was still telling muliang now we shall pray to all our gods that only these will be tested. Luckily... gentamicin came out!! Though I still couldn't answer some of the parts, but at least I studied enough to answer the question. Damn lucky... Ya, so as I was saying, finish all the stuffs, so I tend to remember a bit of everything, so end up only able to answer some bits of everything here and there. Could answer all the questions but couldn't give the full details. Stupid questions asked for 2 treatments and even CAP the word TWO, but I only studied 1!!! But still lucky enough, I guessed the other one correctly... haha.... damn lucky...

Ok ok, paisei no more exams, now pray no viva, then can fully enjoy a stress-free 2 weeks break which I feel is well deserved k. Got to play hard till I flip! Haha. Anyway got something to show. I was in the toilet that day doing usual personal business when out of somewhere I saw this page torn out from i weekly. No idea why it had been torn out, probably by my niece? I started reading and then realise it was written by the director of House of Sins, the theatre play which I went to watch with jasmine before my exams. I really like what he said, in fact I remember posting some similar entries on my blog before. Please read k!!

For benefit of those who dun understand chinese I shall do a quick summary. Not in the order but generally the idea:
The most basic instinct of man is sex, not just merely you f me and i f you part, but it is a vital component to a species survival. Animal and everything living including bact and non living like virus (my examples) exist for the sake of propagation. To surivive, we learn to protect and attack. However, life is about deriving pleasure as well, and to do so, we learn how to let loose of ourselves.

Sex and violence, this is what we are. But we create civilisation, religion which force us to give up these basic instinct. We are the products of this society. Perhaps it is in place for order and peace, but we became a mere product, a suppressed living in this world. Why can't we embrace these instinct, understand them and from there create a new peace and order? But too bad we took the other route a very long time ago.

We manage to pull off very well, everyone of us, suppressing the inner distinct in you. To quote him, jia de hen zheng, zheng de hen jia. We manage to pull it off, acting like a saint so well, faking till it seems so real (direct translation) but at the same time, truly hypocritical.

Think about it ha. Put that aside, thanks to serene, I got this mail which is quite interesting, especially number 2. It really works??

4 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELLPHONE COULD DO...

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.

Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

*1* The emergency number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112 .

If you find yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you,and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.

**Try it out**

*2* Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote key?

This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone. If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on
their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

*It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!'*

*3* Hidden battery power

Imagine your cell battery is very low, you are expecting an important call and you don't have a charger. Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next timme.

*4* How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:

* # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

2008-03-25T18:30:00.002+08:00

To all dear friends out there, whether you read this or not, from the bottom of my heart I thank you all for your wishes, greetings and presents. (think i should be still expecting some hor >.<) Perhaps thanks to facebook, this year's amount of messages was like... A LOT... I am glad, cos I am not someone who can remember dates very well, so to those who actually remembered, I am double glad haha. I mean even if you were being reminded in some way and still bother to do something, I am very happy le, unlike me, I so long never logged on to facebook, confirm missed some of your birthdays. If I do, forgive me k. I am living like a caveman heehee.

Actually some of the messages are really interesting la. Maybe cos it is the supposedly special 1 and only (which birthday is not?) 21st, so you get some special greetings... haha... But the 1st prize must still go to yangjie for his very 1st...belated greetings... (i'm not surprised) he fell asleep trying to be the last person, so ended up being the 1st....

Though it is in the midst of exam preparation, yesterday was really spent very well. (Besides some messages which never fail to remind me to mug... sigh...) But i didn't really mug at all last night. Got to treasure every minute and second haha.

Millions and millions of thanks to jasmine, for making this day such an unforgettable day. Not drama mama or being too emo, but never had someone planned such a special day from me, and not to mention got me something so GREAT. Put the present aside 1st, we actually got onto the singapore flyer yesterday (pretending to be tourist ha). It started raining somewhere on the way up, but it was really a very nice scene from up there. I always like rainy days and the scenery. Looking at rainy singapore from up there is so different. It is an experience.

Before that, we actually went for Kenko's foot and shoulder therapy, which comprises of shoulder massage and fish therapy (couldn't remember the name) You put your legs into the pond/tank, then the doctor-fish will come and eat your dead skins. It was damn ticklish initially, trust me, if it is not public premises, I would have shouted and laughed like a crazy guy. Then, it felt like pins and needle before you reach numbness. Then when you finish the treatment, your legs are so clean and white. And supposedly it helps to heal wounds, ezcema and improve blood circulation.

The night was spent on K box buffet. Never been so relaxed for so long, doing what I like and letting go of myself without restrain. I have been so tight lately and yesterday was a really good chance for me to relax a bit and enjoy. No mugging, no bacteria, no virus, no parasites.

The best of all is her present for me!! If you have known me from years back you should know I am crazy over charmed, and in fact I have been trying to look for something in singapore but couldn't find it at all. So, this sweet little jasmine actually spent quite a lot (and i mean a lot) to ship it from US. And so now, in my room, there is this damn heavy and damn big book... the BOOK OF SHADOWS!! All the spells, info and pictures inside, exactly the same as what you see on TV (juz that it looks newer) I swear I was hyperventilating. And the page which really makes me go WOW is the page where paige, phoebe and piper wrote at the end of last season last episode. Word to word and in the same order. You can go to youtube and watch the last part of the last episode of the last season. It is there! Gosh...

And... she even prepared a handy notebook which will aid me in learning canto, a self-made english-chinese-canto notebook. Hopefully I will not let her efforts go down the drain haha. But I can see that she really spent a lot of effort doing that up, till she is falling sick already. In fact I felt so bad.

Now you know why she is one of the most impt person in my life. =)

Ok, tat's it. Have so much feelings but couldn't find the words, think better go back to my books.
Now, everything back to mugging mode again sianz... Shall update again after my exams ba. Thanks you all, loves you lotz... =)

2008-03-24T01:22:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday to me. =) Nothing much but juz wanna post a stupid entry, taking a break from all my mugging. Thanks to many who messaged me so early in the morning. Bless you all. Ok, back to mugging, shall blog abt what is going to happen later on today, probably tomorrow. =)

2008-03-22T12:01:00.002+08:00

作为一个导演, 基本的技巧就是可以把自己溶入任何一个角色中, 必须可以了解人物性格. 好的演员也是如此. 有时就会入戏太深. 好的演员不应该如此. 戏与真实, 隔着的是那么细的一条线, 但你必须要分的比青红皂白还要清.

一个落空天使, 一个完全无法控制自己能力的天使, 也就是如此它才会选择离开天堂. 但, 在离开时, 翅膀却没有栽下来. 把翅膀去处, 你以为是把在嗮的衣服收进来那么容易?

细腻的心思是他的致命伤.

看了"step up 2", 学会了一件事. 做自己, 不象你说这三的字那么容易. 也许是累了, 真的很累. 勤劳的蜜蜂每天采着花粉, 一天都没有休息. 有时会想一想, 这是自己要的生活吗. 比起彰螂, 他到地是幸福多了, 还是苦了自己. 跟着河流而去, 不要不犹豫, 不要去质疑现有的规划, 那蜜蜂还是蜜蜂. 要做自己, 那可能会捣乱秩序. 也许是骑马看马, 但所谓的规划, 说穿了只是束缚, 枷锁. 跟着规划好的路走就没错, 你是蜜蜂, 就继续当你的蜜蜂.

祈祷蜜蜂永远只看得见蜜蜂.

-------------------------------------------

变了质的东西会怎样.
写故事的人未必就一定做的到故事里的事情. 正因为虚幻是无限的, 所以现实的限度只有用虚幻来弥补.
讲故事的人, 要是自己都不相信故事呢? 故事成了一直消遣.
也许拉远一些会让自己看的清一些.
放长线, 钓大鱼. 该放就放, 该收就收. 但, 放多少, 收多少, 这些都是实战精炼的累积. 放多了, 有可能就拉不回了.

2008-03-15T15:45:00.006+08:00

突然有一种很特别的平静. 似平非静的平静.

不明白为什么会那么想让他们明白, 也许是想得到他们的祝福和赞许. 也许是不想因为这样而被否定一切. 也许... 但, 又觉得自己对这些都似乎不是很在乎. 这, 是自欺欺人吗?

隐约感觉到一点的疲累. 可能是因这件事而累, 也可能是对想得到谅解而累? 我自己也不晓的.

突然是想放弃一切, 离开这里. 所谓的移民. 也许算是一种逃避. 不想去和任何人交代什么, 只想向自己交代. 所谓的西方净土, 谁不向往. 到别处也许可以算是红尘的净土. 还没21岁的天空, 竟下起了60多岁的大雨, 不禁觉得有一点心寒. 但, 希望就象所有故事中一样, 雨过天晴的传说不会失传.

------------------------------------------------

今天是看了RBM 的第三天, 我也看了三遍. 脑海里一直浮现一张脸孔, 一些画面, 一些对白. 最讨厌在银幕上看见自己的影子. 人有三面镜子, 我们用它们来反省自己的所做所为, 才可以净化为一个好人. 但, 很多事情, 不一定看得清楚就是好事. 不去碰, 不去想, 反而可以做个快乐人. 就如"罪恶之屋" (House of Sins) 所带出的主题, 一切都是假的. 好的都是假的. 因为大家都在掩饰, 都在压抑自己罪恶的一面. 如果演戏演的好, 就继续演下去, 为什么要把隐藏好的丑陋挖出来. 这样, 会更快乐吗? 逃避? 是. 但, 人们都不是一直用工作, 功课, 压力来逃避一些不该提不该碰的事情吗?

那种说不出的感觉还丝丝的残留在心中. 不是很快活, 但又有一种快感.

2008-03-13T01:55:00.005+08:00

RBM

It is the recognition with the characters in the movie, it were the same feelings and emotions felt, the same experiences and struggles gone through and probably the same fairytale ending hope for.

We need the recognition. We need the support. Perhaps I have seemed too confident in front of others. It is my way of getting out of the situation, to overwhelm others first before they can make their moves to make me feel out of place. I was aggressive and fierce, so much so that she couldn't say no. I wish I didn't. I wish she had said and done what she had wanted to, then things wouldn't be like this today. I know they need time, everyone needs time.

They are identical yet so different from us. Love doesn't always sprung out of sex. They have more innocence and dignity, in comparison we seems so impure and dirty. I quote myself then, sex is an extension of love, but I think this faith is slowly fading away each day.

The lotus can emerge from the muddy pond, pure and upright. Exposing yourself to the muddy water widens your mind but narrows your heart. As I continue convincing myself that such different lives wouldn't cross and so I would not be tainted, the stain on my body is getting stronger and stronger each day.

Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is pain. Escapism isn't too bad an idea afterall. Given a choice, I would rather continue to believe in fantasy and fairytale than to submit to the cruelty of truth. Perhaps fellow dreamers would find me here some day. But, for once I really hate the truth, I hate all the things I am seeing.

Why can't things be simple? Not being simple just because you had seen everything ugly and had given up. But being simple because you have not seen anything and believe in everything stupid but at least pure.

I just want to escape. I want to get out of all this. Who says facing reality is the best way out? What if facing reality doesn't make the situation any better, then wouldn't hiding yourself away from it better? Sooner and later, there would be a day when you still have to face it. Yes, but at least I think I wouldn't have to face it alone.

I am having this mixed feelings, which I couldn't pin point it even after an hour of drowning in the deepest emotion within me now. I taste desire, happiness, resentment, hope, regrets, sadness, envy and anger. Perhaps I know what I am feeling, but such personal feelings should be kept within and always a secret. I may be frank, but I am not an open book entirely. Everyone has their hidden secrets, their darkest secrets, secrets which they would bring into their graves.

I just feel like shouting everything out. It has been kept within, bottling up everyday, every minute. Not many can comprehend how tough it is to walk here. Looking back, there are more regrets and tears than anything, and the future looks blurry. It sounds as if I am losing hope. I took so many wrong turns, wrong turns which I wish I had not. I know we should always learn to look ahead, but memories are what make us alive. Babies have a new life because they are only starting to retain memories. Life is a collection of memories. I would rather look back and remind myself that I am not a walking dead following the flow everyday: wake up, study, work, eat, sleep. Why do people force themselves to come up with so many excuses to brush things aside and said "Been through done that" Ignoring the past is a form of escapism. Before you say no, touch your heart again. Dun act like a walking dead, feel those emotions, search for your soul within and find your missing piece. The worst thing that can ever happen is thinking you have matured and grown out of talking about past and feeling about them, and most probably end up being a boring old man. You never seem to notice, everything you do have actually been restricted by what had happened before, though you did not think about them, but subconsciously your brain had controlled your heart. Leaving a rotten apple alone in the basket, it would just decompose soon and rot the rest of the apples around as well and soon the whole basket. You need to pin point it and take it out. Even if there is no way to take it out, at least witness the whole process of rottening and the spread. It would be much better than being astonished by what you see at the end.

I realise it is a paradox. A story proving the presence of fairytale. But what if the story itself is a fairytale? It is not fairytale. It happens, as long as you believe in it, you work hard for it, it will not be fairytale. Dun ask a word, dun question, cos you have no idea what is happening. Choose to interpret words based on your experiences, and hopefully they wouldn't open your Pandora box. Dun bother to peek into mine cos you would never understand.

2008-03-12T10:13:00.002+08:00

Well, there is a small minor change to my blog, cos many people are using firefox, so they cannot hear the music embedded in this blog hosted by iwebmusic, so I removed the song and use a player instead.Do listen to the song, it is "If you are not the one" by Daniel Beddingfield. =)

Watched two movies two nights ago, August Rush and Rule No. 1. August Rush is a must watch!! I dun wish to spoil the show before you guys had watched it, but all I can say is, there is not a single moment I felt bored or thought that any particular scene is redundant. It is not an action, nor an adventure, slight element of thriller but still not considered one, and this it the very reason why I am so surprised, cos it can capture my attention and hook me up from the very beginning till the end. As theatre people like to put it, the fire is just right, not too cold, and not too hot. Perhaps we have to give credits to the editor, cos all the scenes are just done enough to get the idea across and get the plot moving, nothing more of less.

Rule No. 1 was surprising scary during the first half of the movie. As you watched more and more horror movies, you will know the tricks they can play. No doubt in this movie, you see the same tricks you probably had seen in other. But, what they did right was to focus on the perfect timing of pan with the sound effect. Using dead silence for a few seconds before the ghost will appear was one of the killer. Being an experienced horror movie watcher, I know how the when the ghost will come out, but the silence created during my anticipation turned up to be my fatal blow.

Perhaps this is what the director had intended, the horror element is only there during the first half of the show, the second half is more of a thriller suspense plot. Good and bad. Typical twist at the end like most suspense thriller movie. A thriller with a psychotic killer or some monster is still acceptable, but a thriller with a ghost involved, personally I felt it was rather funny and idiotic. It is a personal opinion. Some people might complain the second part is boring, that is because they go in with a mentality of watching a pure horror movie. Rule No. 1 is not. First half yes, scream and yell if you like. At the end of it, you will see a two minutes section on the cop's inner thoughts. You know, those gan xiang you will write for your compo at the end of a story. For a moment, I thought the show had ended, but I guess that part was meant to mark the end of all the brainless scary part. The story that continues is one of love, choice and life, supposedly something more brainy despite the fact that I felt it was idiotic.

Well, it might be good. A all-minutes horror movie might become stale, as some of my friends had commented on Juoh, the stupid boy appeared so many times that towards the end, nobody is scared anymore. I agree, it is call sensitisation. So it could be a good thing not to play too much, play enough to scare the audience. Moreover, remember the eye, they didn't play ghost for too long, the later part was on hunting for the truth and knowing the truth. It is again a typical plot of most horror, the lead start seeing ghost, so we see all the horror part cos the lead is scared himself/herself. Then when he/she is used to it or start seeking the reason (you can't ignore the fact you keep seeing them right) then the horror element starts to drop. But eye is successful cos during the process of finding out the truth, the director still add in some horror bits here and there. Yes you do see them in Rule No. 1 too, but not very well done enough I feel. Perhaps it was well done, but I am just irritated by the idiotic ghost hunting part.

Between Rule No.1 and Auguest Rush, I will definitely cast the vote to the latter. After the show, I have this surrealistic feeling within me, hard to describe. The only appropriate word I can use would be, beautiful. Yes, indeed it is a very beautiful movie, and I dun mind watching it more than once. =)

2008-03-08T00:06:00.003+08:00

TODAY
This is the first time I woke up in the morning and my mind is not about books and examinations. I took my time to wash up and then ate my breakfast in front of the TV. A sunny day.

After breakfast, I continued to watch TV till noon and continued with my PSP game. The next moment, I was already preparing to go out for huangcheng at night. I grabbed my bag, with no books or notes inside. I stood in the train and for the first time in so long, I merely stood there and looked at the crowd coming in and out.

Dinner was great and relaxing. No time constrain. No pressure for time. After the show, I leisurely walked back to the mrt station with ivan, talking about nonsensical things. On the way back, we talked and talked. I walked home from the station, looking at the stars, the cats and all the buildings. I wasn't in rush for time at all.

This is my day. The day after my last paper. A simple day that I had waited and longed.

I HAD LIVED LIKE A CAVEMAN
This period of mugging had really taken a toil on my health, physically and mentally. There are so many moments when I just feel like screaming out my lungs and walking away from the books. 2 weeks of CAs, with 2 weeks of pre-examinations preparation, I lived like a caveman. Do you know how it feels to wake up and the first thing on your mind is, study. For someone like me, it was a torture.

For the whole month, I locked myself away from the world (not totally though, juz partially). I didn't meet my friends, I didn't go out and I didn't sleep well. There was not a single night when I can tuck myself cosy under the blanket (pretend I use one) and sleep well. My mind was always about "I just finished this and this, tomorrow I still have to do that and that." Get a life!

I HAD CAVEMAN BELLY!!!
Sometimes staying at home and pretending to study is totally impossible, especially when you have a niece running around and tearing your notes, not to say drop feces at the least expected time and place. Erk... So I always went to the nearby Macs to study. It was a good place to mug, quiet, airconditioned and most important I was all alone with no computer, PSP, TV or devil girl (my niece) But slight setback is... it really makes me fat... this doesn't need further elaboration.

Though mine isn't really a big family compared to jinny and yang jie, but my two brothers and two sisters-in-law with a niece and my parents are always ready to turn the entire house into a children playground, speakers' corner or even market, judging on the weather that day. This makes studying... impossible, so I had ever more reasons to study out and only come back after 10pm when they would be either back home or sleeping already. Then I will turn on the radio and start mugging.

Cool? No! Not at all!! I would get hungry in the middle of the night and start eating. Maggie noodles was the initial craze, then I convinced myself too much MSG will shave all my hair off, so I switched to biscuits. From normal butter biscuits, to eventually hello panda chocolate filling biscuits, my childhood favourite (so is it now heehee) Few nights back, I even went down to 7-11 to buy the refrigerated burger, brought it home and stood in the kitchen. Hey, I didn't even have a microwave oven! So I settled for the conventional convectional oven, which proved to be disastrous. The burger bread ended up like pizza crust, but the meat inside was kinda sticky and room-temp. Guess what? I couldn't be bothered and the whole shit was gone in 5 minutes. The point is.. I get fat like this...

MED STUDENT HAS NO SOCIAL LIFE
Everyone and probably you now too, would be saying that this period of time in my life now is going to repeat itself for many other times in so many sectors of my life, few years down the road. Yes I know, you dun really have to remind me with regards to that. Medicine students=pathetic people=no social life. I can't believe it, you ask me about 933 long hu bang, I probably don't know more than half of the songs, needless to say the ranking (probably because I started listening to FM 98) I didn't know jinny's sister is getting married (not like I should I think?), that aik had quited his previous job, that my brother had started teaching at tangling sec now, that my dad was having neck pain for the past 1 week. I haven't been to the temporary market ever since it got burnt down back then. I only knew about news on Mas Selamat the second day he escaped cos everyone was talking about it.

It feels kinda of sucky, like you are neglecting your social life, meaning your close friends, family and your life. And reciprocally you felt they are neglecting you too, cos you just didn't have time to spend with them. I feel kinda bad, really bad. Cos when I was down, someone would be there for me, but this time round, I couldn't be there when she needed someone to talk to. I had contacted some groups of friends to meet them next week, just hope everyone can understand I am trying to squeeze time out for them, cos they are all precious to me. =)

I FELT THE CHANGES IN ME...
Slowly, I see the changes in myself. By using others as a mirror, I measured myself now against then, things had changed. Superficially, some habits had been changed. I am tuning in to FM 98 now instead of 93.3 I know apologise, beautiful by Christina Aguilara, All I'll wanted by mariah carey and if you're not the one by daniel bedingfield.

----------------------------------------------

If You're Not The One (Daniel Bedingfield)

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?

----------------------------------------------
Perhaps cos someone sort of dedicated this song to me, which makes it special in a lot of ways.

And I think love makes people mature.(and people make love, cute hor) Somehow, maybe it did make me grow up a little, cos you need to do decision making, bearing responsibility, working for a goal, learning to adjust yourself and controlling your emotions. Relationships need constant effort to maintain.

Auntie shopping for groceries would compare prices from different store and choose the cheapest, but love shouldn't be compared. In relationship, the grass always seem to be greener on the other side. This happen at many incident, when I try to compare this person with someone else. Initially, I convinced myself fairytale doesn't exist, but the worst thing that can happen now is people proving to me that fairytale does exist. I consider myself to be still very immatured and naive. Or as someone put it, I'm a perfectionist, or as another put it, expectations. As eugene said, I probably need to convince myself more than that. I felt sad, I felt disappointed, I felt I may have made the wrong choice, I envy, I felt unjust and unfair. Doesn't this sound like a 3 year old kid holding on to his toy car and complaining he wants a better one?

The last straw was proving to me all the perfect love and all the fantasy do exist. Why must someone prove it to me when I had managed to convince myself. It is like buying a $3 apple thinking there shouldn't be any cheaper ones, but only to find out later the shop just beside is selling for $2.50. It just sounds so damn idiotic. I dunno what word to use. I understand what is the meaning of ignorance is bliss.

Then eventually, I told myself something. You cannot force everyone to go RJ (wc dun smirk) or go run a 30km marathon. Different people have different capability of doing things. If some things are beyond their reach, we must learn to accept. It is always bitter to see how come other people can do this but you can't, why are some people born with a silverspoon but you are not, but quote what eugene said, if you had chosen a rocky path, you must walk on no matter what. It is your choice.

Looking back at this, it tells a lot of my personality and character, in fact it disgusted me. It seems like an extension of materialism and perfectionism. Thinking you deserve something better for yourself, or rather something best. Who doesn't want the best? But perhaps we can sit back and think, who are you to deserve something so good?

I suppose there should be many other people who might have faced the same problem. But one good thing which someone pointed out to me, if you are feeling awful, it could mean one thing, which is you still have feelings, if not you could have easily left to seek a better one. Search your heart and soul. No mother would think of changing a son just because he is stupid or something. Temptations are always around us. Your mum would sometimes compare you with her friend's son and say how come you are not ____ like him. But afterall you are still her son. It may seem more of helpless and resigning to fate, but it is always a matter of perception. I guess I still have a long way to learn, of course, I am only 20. (lucky can still say this now ha)

LEAP YEARS
Just watched Leap Years, general comment is good, you can read all the reviews and stuffs. Jasmine and I felt that the old jeremy spoilt the show a little, but it wasn't too great a damage. KS by Qi Yu Wu, I hope they put him in because he suits the character's personality, but towards the end, such "personality" became less apt to the KS's character but more out of place among all the accent speaking. The climax wasn't high enough. The summary flashback part could be done much better than that. I was hoping that could be the climax and move me to tears, but it was so short and, the emotions doesn't flow... The songs created the atmosphere, the aura of emotions, but they are always not strong enough to hit the threshold, at least my threshold. That was really disappointing to me.

But the movie had taught me a few things, which happen to coincide with what a friend, eugene told me over gym. He made me believe in fairytale yet disillusioned at the same time. Hearing about his stories and what he had done for his love ones, though not really reciprocated eventually, had touched my heart a lot. Who say guys cannot believe in fairytale, if we dun, who will become all the prince charming riding on a white horse? As I am starting to give up on fairytale, he once again proved to me they do exist.

Leap years is a fairytale come alive. Other than that, it is a symbol of the idea of love. I agree that you dun need anyone's approval to love someone, cos love is free. Although you know you can never be with her, but your love for her would never change, cos love is a spirit not an item which would only stay if you possess her. It is better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all, cos love is a memory. Everyone falls into love because they feel they need someone to rely on and support, in retrospect, it takes even more courage to stay single and wait for prince charming to appear.

How long would you wait for your dream lover? Can you imagine yourself waiting 4 years to see him again? How do you pass each day thinking about him but not being able to see him, touch him or be in contact with him? Li ann was outstanding... I admired her courage, to wait for so many years. He is like the wind, you need patience. Her patience was astonishing.

How much do you trust fate and destiny?

RING
Someone gave me something which really shocked me. It had been with her for so long yet it was given to me few days back. I understand what it means and it means a lot to me. I understand everyone had their own way of showing how much they love someone, and I am my own stupid way too. It's a long way, lots of things to learn together.

2008-03-03T07:52:00.002+08:00

Wow, really missing in action for so damn bloody long. Had watched lots of movie, done lots of things. But as usual, cos always busy with studies, so no much time to update... I am neglecting my blog!!! I always hate to do this summary list, it is like writing for the sake of writing... So I shall not do it this time.

And ya, I won the stethoscope, haha, was really lucky la. Dunno what else to say, just keep the luck coming in. =) Attended bai yun gang last sat. It was much better than what I had expected. I only helped out a little, but was treated like some en ren. Felt a bit paisei cos I really dun think I had helped much, thanks to many many restrictions. (Not from my side) Hope huangcheng doesn't disappoint me.

Dun wan to write anymore, too much things, dunno where to start it always happen when you had not blogged for so long. I can't wait for this friday to come and my CA would be over, for now la. Sianz...

I wonder if anyone find this familiar....

How strong can love be,

to withstand that many misunderstandings.

How strong can affection be,

to withstand that one line.

More distant than strangers,

it was once burning like a fire,

but all the more it is, easily put out by a breeze.

The truth is always ugly, so people choose to lie.

What would I do if time turns back,

to find what you had wanted but never said

How would it be like now if I had not let go then

Would you hate me or love me more

The greatest pain,

is thinking about what if.

How many withering love,

is enough to put someone to eternal sleep

Happiness is forever an illusion,

as you approach heaven, you start to wake up

Love is like a fallen leave,

it seems to be flying, but it is actually falling.

What would you do if time turns back

would you hug me or let go again

How would it be like, if mistake can be undone

It’s a helpless solitude

to think about what if.

2008-02-14T17:19:00.002+08:00

"I know you feel you deserve more, but he is the one you love. So what if someone can give you more, you won't feel its more. Alvin can feel that you deserve more, so can I. But maybe that's all that he can give you."

"Just because someone isn't loving you the way you want them to doesn't mean he isn't already loving you with all his heart and all he can"

"If one day you and an ant drop into the sea, guess who I will save first? The ant, cos I will jump down and die with you" (damn bloody cheesy...)

Someone who lost his memory, loses his identity and his relationships with others. He can no longer remember how he had loved you before or hated you so much. Can you imagine the fear of losing someone close to you because he or she had lost his/her memory? Your mother couldn't recall that you are her son, your best buddy couldn't even remember your name, and your spouse has no recollection of who you are.

What could be worse?
Losing yourself?
There is no lost of memories, in fact they serve as a comparison. But it is the insidious change in yourself, like a worm creeping across the floor unnoticed. And then when you look back, you realize how badly decomposed the apple is, rotten to the core. You are shock, astonished, disgusted. You had became someone so stranger even to yourself. You don't recognize yourself anymore. You start to wonder why you are doing some things, saying some things, thinking about some things. It is as if, you are not yourself. You are stuck in a body with a mind of its own, which you can no longer control. You ask yourself, when does it happen, why does it happen. Silence. You wait for the mind of its own to give a reply. Silence.

The change. Does it follow a straight line, or the deterioration follows an exponential curve? You dunno, cos it is so silence, that you didn't even pick up the sign, or you could have brushed it aside, unnoticed. Did you...

Compared to seeing someone who isn't who he was in the past and couldn't recognize anyone else, seeing oneself turning into a total stranger and no longer recognizing the very figure standing in front of the mirror is so much worse. It is so much scarier and traumatizing.

Humans like to find faults with other things and use them as an excuse to explain some unpleasant things, probably to make themselves feel better? So, at this junction, you can point your finger at the environment and said it is the environment that causes you to change, or maybe at a person and push all the blames to him/her or them. Or, you can just shake your head and admit that you had lost yourselves. Lost yourselves to the unknown darkness in your heart.

Darkness.
I fell asleep.
I had a dream.
In the dream, I woke up.
First day, let there be light. Day light. Night falls.
Second day, let there be air. Day light. Night falls.
Third day, let there be earth. Day light. Night falls.
Fourth day, let there be man. Day light. Night falls.
Fifth day. Day light. Night falls.
Sixth day. Day light. Night falls.
Seventh day. Day light. Night falls.
....
When night falls, I fell asleep. I had a dream.
In the dream, I woke up.
First day, let there be light. Day light. Night falls.
....

2008-02-10T22:57:00.000+08:00

Note: This is not an emo post, I am alright already

What is right and what is just?
When it boils down to the most fundamental, different people define just and right differently.
So who decides the "real" just and right?
Democracy rules, the majority.

Going to start a mini discussion on this topic in this entry. How do you look at fighting for just based on our prior knowledge on what is right, and how do you see fighting for rights? Personal, I guess it is simply either fighting for your own just and rights, or fighting for other's just and rights. Ok fine, it sounds lame, but I guess not many people recognise the fact that it is two different things altogether, cos many like to lump them together as simply "right and just"

Why do I want to complicate things by dividing a simply thing into two parts, like many other people who come up with different theories to explain one simple thing just to let publishers earn more money. But it is because I realise the motive, hence the significance of it and the effects are quite different.

First thing of all, prior knowledge of what is right is determined by our education, teachings and socially accepted behaviours. Any deviation = wrong. So as not to complicate things, we assume this prior knowledge is always true. But seriously, are all of them true?

Fighting for just and rights for others. This is what we are being taught since young. Help your friends in need, give up your seat to people in need, help an old lady cross the road. It slowly progress to help save the earth, fund raising, speaking up for friends and the list goes on. The motive is positive. It is to benefit others. And we grow up (supposedly we really did all these) becoming a helpful and righteous person.

But the rat poison can poison ourselves as well. When we are taught it is wrong for someone to bully someone and you should step out to help, you also learn that you shouldn't be bullied. When you are taught to give up your seats to people in need, you also learn that when you feel you need the seat someone should give up his seat to you. When you are told you shouldn't talk bad about someone behind their back, you also learn people shouldn't talk bad about you behind your back. Nobody teaches you what somebody shouldn't or should do to you, but you learn it from the progress of learning what you should and shouldn't do. We are human beings, beings with higher cognitive thinking.

Hence, from this, branch my second part of this "just and right" which is self-justice and own rights. The motive is no longer so positive, it is more of self-righteous. You feel angry or sad because someone did that to you, cos you feel that it is unjust and wrong. I suppose it is fine if you feel sad or angry, but when you start to fight for your own unjust and rights, I think the picture gets a bit ugly. It is no longer noble and great. Fighting for self rights and unjust doesn't need to mean physically doing something to make things "right", but a simple complain or a "black face" would suffice.

I guess not a lot of people would be noble enough to only fight for just and right for others but never for himself, cos that is just so... sacrificial. But the extent that you fight for your own rights and unjust would largely decide the type of person you are eventually.

2008-02-08T22:21:00.000+08:00

I believe it is one of those days again when I would feel all emo whenever night falls, like a human turning into a vampire, hungry for blood. I dunno what I am craving for, perhaps attention. Every vampire becomes one because he was being bitten. I reckon my bite was on tuesday.

Someone is darn right about me, I am someone who takes thing very hard and finds it very hard to put down though I may not show it openly. Emo becomes a mask for me to create a smokescreen to delude others from seeing the truth.

But sadly, that person despite knowing the fact, could never do anything or say anything.

Darn... what happen to my new year resolution!!

Ok, fine.. I am emoing again...

2008-02-06T12:14:00.000+08:00

Been super duper long since I last blogged. There are many times I sat before this very desktop wanting to write down all that have happened, but eventually I closed the window after staring at the blank page in front of me for a few minutes. I dunno where and how to start.

Firstly:
Mundane stuffs.
Just recovered from a very bad bact infection again. Was on clindamycin for a week, endured through a week of impending doom, ha, it really feels like I am losing myself during many nights of the week. But no fret I am all well now.

CA comings, sianz, shall not talk abt my HORRIBLE results... Yes, dun ask me why CA again. And dun ask me got things to test meh, I am not, but you would be.

Been driving for many times after I passed. Though I have not gotten my plastic license card yet, but I think I have driven more distance than many others. So I should be grateful yes I am, but I am even more grateful now that I had passed the I-want-to-drive craze. Now is see-no-point-to-drive unless necessary, cos it really costs a lot to drive....

Just got my medical instruments on tuesday. Was trying to take blood pressure for my mum and wonder how come I listen so hard also cannot hear the pulse, then realise I did something darn stupid.... It is only after 2 tries then I realise what was wrong... (it is not I put the knob at the wrong position) but I am so not to destroy my reputation here (as if it is going to help since i had mentioned it) oh wellz....

Secondly:
I was never never so angry before in med school, but I total blew up on tuesday. I am tired of explaining (not like I have) but I just dun feel like it. If there is something which I really really hate, that is people pointing their fingers at me and accusing me of things before they got their facts right.

Ok, you ask me why I never help you take and only help wc take. Go ask wc how many sms he had to send me before I can help him collect his stuff. It is not just "i am here to take wc's one also" and then i just take the readily packed bag and leave.

SUPPOSEDLY everyone sends me your ic, add, telephone, email and the list of things you bought (which means I have to fill in all your warranty cards) so I am SUPPOSE to go up and say, "I represent my PBL group and I am here to collect all their instruments" then end with a smile and believe the queue behind me will allow me to do that. I even had to like re-queue and let other people go first before I asked for wc's stuffs.

Putting all these aside, I stayed on to help them a bit (though I dun really know how else I can help) cos the queue was quite long, and then I went back to the LT only when the lecture ended. I took my bag from the lt after passing wc his stuffs and I went back to medsoc room. So much for the effort to go back there to accompany them wait for their stuffs when I could just conveniently walk off. Only to be greeted by brainless nonsensical and harsh remarks.

Wc sent me a message later telling me to ignore them cos they dun have a good cg mate. At that point of them, I have this image inside my head pointing to all those people and asking them about the talks of -ships and stuffs, who was really truthful and sincere. Med fac has never struck me to be a place I really love to be in cos I have seen too many ugly faces behind the smiles. And somehow they sent my hope tumbling down the hill once again. Why not me? Why you never help me? Why should I help you? Why should I help you and not her or him? You see? Who?

Maybe it is just the whole zejia emo thingy again, making such a big volcano out of a molehill. But let's just say I am really quite hurt (can't find another milder word) by whatever a scholar said and whatever few other friends (whom I really call friends) said. I can act dumb and stupid for the effect or for complement sake(if you have overbearing friends, you need compromising friends), but if it becomes a convenience, remember that a mouse can bite back. I know someone who is reading this now would be laughing, he told me I am not suited for this competitive dog-eat-dog place but I told him I dun believe it would be such a scene here.

Then after the sadness comes anger. All these people, scholar and muggers, never use head to think abt situation. I agree if I am them at that pt of time, I would be thinking why never help or jio. But wouldn't anyone think abt the outcome: one person carries twenty over bags or the LT suddenly nobody cos everyone would receive message and rush out? And by the way I am ever more doubtful who will come out of the LT if I had messaged them? At that pt of time, only 4 names flashed to my mind and one of them is wc.

My mood was totally rotten and gone for the whole day.
At night, I really cannot take it anymore, went to watch a movie. Watched 27 dresses.

It was surprisingly good and after the show I had so many thoughts.
Is love something which can make you have courage and strength to withstand and handle all kind of shit, even shit like what happened today. I believe it is. It is the feeling that even if the sky falls down, everything is going to be alright, if he or she is with you.
What is the thing you most look forward to in a wedding?
The glam glam thing?
I agree that it is the anticipation on the bridegroom's face as the bride walked towards him. It should be those moments, few seconds in reality but could feel like years for them.
I dunno if you think so too, but that was really what I had always liked every time I go for a wedding.

2008-01-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

What is the price you would willing to pay to fulfill your dream?
What is the price you would willing to pay to help fulfill someone else's dream?

All along I have been supportive in helping someone fulfill a life dream. Maybe it is simply because I haven't managed to fulfill mine and most likely I would have no chance to do so anymore. I made my choice, and I just have to continue with it, no U-turn. Just dun think too much, just walk on, as fat cat put it. So I would rather help someone fulfill their dreams.

But today, it starts to dawn on me that, this very dream, may not be what I had expected. It is again another of my expectation-not-met disappointment. Things are not going to change, it may even get worse. Pursuing this dream is selfish, but I wonder to what extent would this selfishness take to hurt someone close to the heart.

After this very thought, I slapped myself awake. Cos by expecting a change and expecting a compromise on this dream would be a selfishness on my part then. It takes 2 hands to clap, one from left to right, the other must be from right to left. One must give way for it to work. Compromise is the word. Someone keep asking me why does it seem like I am the one compromising all the time, is it an illusion or truth? Then the questions boiled back to:

What is the price you would willing to pay to fulfill your dream?
What is the price you would willing to pay to help fulfill someone else's dream?

As I had made my choice initially, I have to make my choice again now.
"we are going to be ok"
You never realise how easy things can be.

2008-01-20T19:37:00.000+08:00

Been super duper busy this whole week. In fact I shouldn't be here blogging but I realise I should spend a bit of time noting down this busy week.

Been mugging (not like mad) for the whole of this week, but it seems very hard cos it hasn't been very efficient... Things went in, then next minute they came out. Very very inefficient and somehow all the time I spent seem wasted. Reason: My mind is too occupied with a lot of things.

By the way finally passed my driving test!! After dragging for so long, finally! Haha, the tester was a bit... unfriendly but think he is still a nice man la (cos i passed haha) Lots of things happened, but since I passed, so shall not bother about talking about them =)

Ever since I watched Beauty World, the same feelings came back to me again. Not as overwhelming as before, but it may not be a good thing, cos it is insidious. Before I realise anything amiss, I was already taken aback by surprise. I guess I still cannot throw away the regret of not pursuing what I really like. I can only blame it on my childish and immaturity then to think I have to choose one out of the two, when in fact I can have two at the same time as long as I balance them well. It is just so me. I realise there is something so about me which causes me and others misery all the time, that is my fixed mentality and rigidity in mindset. Inflexibility when it comes to some issues. Perhaps that were just childish thoughts?

Whatever the case is, time can never go back to then. I have always wonder how would things turn out if I had chosen the other path instead. I wonder how it would feel like to be standing on that stage today compared to years back, if I had not given up on it. One thing for sure is I miss those days and I mean it, I miss everything, including the shit...

Anyway, I know a lot of you would have heard of them, some in fact like them also. I have heard of them also, but I just brushed them aside as a two-guys brother team, like 2morrow. But after hearing them sang live yesterday on TV, they managed to arouse my curiosity about them and their songs. So I went to youtube and search and to my surprise, I have heard some of their songs without knowing, and most importantly I like their voices. The way they harmonized and also their unqiue accent and nasal sound. Well, you can listen to their two songs here:

2008-01-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

I felt very very very happy yesterday! I finally had my jing sheng liang shi!

Watched Beauty World with wc, joanna and shi hui. What can I say? One word: Splendid! For a non-tech person like me, the lightings were SUPER DUPER good. The follow spot was so pro! If the previous musical I watched is 50 marks, this is like thousand over!!

Makeup was great, sounds were great (cos got live band and all singing wat) plus it is a musical! The props are outstanding, the costumes were good enough. The plot was so-so but this is the magic, ivan heng managed to bring up something so so-so and make it look great and glamarious on stage! Acting wise, cos all are experienced stage actors, even darren turned out unexpectedly good. On the whole, it good and good and good! Worth my money! The satisfaction I got was so great that I start to wonder if it is because they are really good or I am just deprived. Oh ya, and we saw two lecturers watching with us also, a bit... you kong sia..

Then after that, I watched body 19. It was so surprisingly good! I expected a typical ghost story, but the plot really makes me go WOW eventually. Usually I will go find loopholes in some stupid stories, but for this, every scene and shot is necessary, no fillers, no loopholes, everything linked and joined nicely and smoothly. The effect a bit the... not too good, but on the whole it is still a must watch to me! And I totally like the way the director took the shots. It makes me feel like watching some artistic film and not a ghost horror show.

Watever it is, I am just super satisfied! =)

2008-01-11T23:01:00.000+08:00

It took me a while to figure out how to put some feelings into words. Some strong feelings took place for the past 2 days, after meeting a group of people and talking to someone.

For once, the cold castle dun seem so lonely and cold anymore. Perhaps all the while it is because I am hiding in a small room and not exploring the big castle? Or maybe the peeps I have met previously were really... cold and aloof. But at least now some people manage to warm my heart a bit. Hope this fire can give me power to ride through the next coming years.

Sometimes it is weird how people behave, or maybe it is just me behaving weirdly. You may not be able to help solve the problem, or help in anyway, but you feel better if you know what is happening. Especially when it is someone close to your heart. I was wondering to myself. Is it because not telling me = not communicating? I started thinking, was there ever a form of communication going on? When you want two person to be together, you need to combine two different lives/worlds together. It is naive to think about combining two worlds fully, but there has to be overlap. Wouldn't it be so weird if you dun know abt my stuffs, and I dunno abt your stuffs. Today, I felt the communication. Not really a communication strictly speaking, but sounds more like accounting. But to me, it was important. Cos by knowing, some overlapping was formed.

Erm.. ok I realised I was sprouting shit. Watever, ignore that. Dun worry zejia is not emo. =)

2008-01-08T23:34:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was still cursing and swearing. When I remembered all the clinical stuffs, I forgot the treatments. When I go to memorize the treatments, I forgot the clinical stuffs. Apparently my frontal lobes have been doing most of the work instead of my hippocampus.

Thankfully, this time round, I felt that this bacterial and antibiotics CA was better than the previous viral one, but you never know what you will get until you get back your results. Who knows when the twist would come in?

Today I was feeling quite great actually, probably because I have taken enough rest during the holidays. I wonder how long this new-found enthusiasm and energy will last.

Well, the day was not as smooth sailing as it sounds. Early in the morning, I met with one major setback. Perhaps it is a good as wc had once put it. Cos if they dun wan you, you can rest in peace and not get swayed by the incentives offered again. In fact, ever since he said that, I have been thinking a lot about what he had said and many others had said to me. Perhaps this is really not what I had wanted. Yes, true enough, it is not what I had initially wanted. I believe in god, I believe he had managed to unmask the blindfold I had around my eyes all this while. Be it a form of self console, or be it really a good thing, I am back on track again to fulfill what I had set out to become. =) And most importantly I am feeling great.

Then someone called me to tell me something which I wonder should I choose to believe or not. However, firstly, he doesn’t have a reason to lie to me, secondly he doesn’t know about this issue, so there should be some truth in it. So, if the reasons given are true, then I accept this defeat and in fact I should be glad, cos at many times, I have forgotten to take such an important thing into consideration. Yes, it is not fair to us, but we just have to take it like a man.

After school, went all the way to marine parade to collect the aikido gi from sheryl’s dad to return to sensei. After so long, I finally gave them a ring. They must be thinking what had happened to me. Then carried that heavy bag with my heavy stuffs to PS for movie and dinner. Tiring sia… seriously tiring….

A wall that is falling need another wall to support it so it will not collapsed. But this is the ideal scenario. What if two walls are falling at the same time? Can they actually provide support for each other at the same time and not fall?

2008-01-05T12:09:00.000+08:00

So many things can happen in just a short period of 5 days. Situation can change, feelings can change, environment can change, everything can change in 1 day, not to say 5. I am very sensitive to changes, maybe my AQ is not very high. I just wish time can go back to 5 days before. This new year doesn't have a good start at all, a very bad one in fact.

What is one power you wish to have: To reverse time.

Regrets? Reverse time to fix your regrets? Yes, but why do we always live life with regrets.
Shouldn't us be given chance to correct our mistakes and fix our regrets.
If everything only has one chance and we can't reverse time, we will only live life with more regrets cos every step we take would be so carefully paced such that we avoid possible regrets in life... and possibly missing so many things in the course.

2008-01-04T15:56:00.000+08:00

Went to specialist skin clinic to see what they can do about my acne. Actually I know what they can do and should do, basically just go there to get the medicine. Dr Khoo was nice enough to explain to me the side effects and stuffs when there was this urge in me to tell him I know. This is the dilemma whenever I go to see a doctor. Basically I almost always know what is happening and what medicine I will get, but at the same time I dun wish for the doctor to know I am a medical student. So I have to pretend to be idiot and pretend I dunno anything. On the other hand, you are paying a lot for the consultation and what you are paying for is the knowledge. But what if you already have the brief knowledge that is sufficient for you to know what is going on and what you should do, you somehow feel that the money is a bit not needed...

If it is other GP never mind la, consultation fees are manageable. But today I am seeing a specialist!! For goodness sake, as my sister-in-law had put in when she visited her gyn "just go in listen to her talk for less than 5 minutes then 80 dollars gone" I spent $270 today just to consult and collect my medication for 2 months. It is supposedly a 6 months course, and by then I should have cleared all the stupid corynebacterium. Estimated total cost: $1300 plus. My jaw dropped inside my heart when the Dr told me the cost. (sounds kinky haha) But think about future investment, plus mine is not a mild acne, so I think I should do it. Thankfully I still have one tuition student to see me through this long-term investment. Now is pray I pass my driving then I dun need to pump in any more money. Somehow I think it could have been cheaper elsewhere, but well, I dun mind spending a bit more on the name: "SPECIALIST SKIN CLINIC" at ORCHARD. My mum asked me an interesting question when I told her the cost, "Confirm will clear not?" I asked myself that question. "SPECIALIST SKIN CLINIC" at ORCHARD, it better does sia....

2008-01-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I always find myself being too confined to my small little circle, not knowing how big the world is outside, how true the world is. No matter how many years of studies or how many books you try to swallow, there are so many things to learn out of the textbooks and wilkepedia.

I am considered lucky to have be able to talk to other people from other works of life and social circles and learn a lot of things from them. Not all of what they said are direct knowledge that I can learn, but it is the inference and deduction I can make from what they had said.

As a student for so many years, since the first day our brain starts to work, we are learning all the way till now. 20 years, 15 years of formal education. Like a fisherman who is out in the sea all his life, my life is all about student, studies and examinations. It is all about which books to buy, which lesson to pon, which chapters more important, what grade you score. Even out of school, it is all about, what drama serials showing now, what videos on youtube, which movies or songs suck like hell, who and who broke up, who and who quarrelled. To us, this is our life. School, leisure. Full stop.

I become to realise how small this world of ours is. Have you ever look at people walking past you, cars driving past you and you start to wonder how is it like to live a day as someone else so different from you.

I wouldn't say I am shaken and realise medicine is not the thing for me. But, to quote what aj had said, he doesn't want to be confined to the few jobs that is "existence" to us. Doctors, lawyers, accountants, teachers, business, dentist, researcher, civil servant etc. They are so many jobs out there, so much opportunity out there. Just talked to a male air-steward. Heard his stories, heard his advice on jobs in the field of hotel management, tour guides etc. Yes, maybe these are not the super high paying job, but if you just want to be in the middle class, and enjoy an interesting job (outside what is the "norm" for us) These jobs are challenging as well and not badly paid. Why do we always restrict ourselves to these fields and keep interacting with the top dunno how many percent? The world is so big, singapore is already so small, how big can our "world" be?

One other thing you learn from these working adults are the true faces of life. There are so many differences. Studying and working. The priority is different, the stress faced is different. No one person can weigh which is more stressful cos you can either be working or studying, and most likely you will fight for your own case.

I have not fully comprehend the experience and reality of working, so I shall not talk about them now when the big picture itself is still blurry. But bottomline, one important thing I learn: As student, dun ever try to comprehend and assume you know how working is like. As working adult, maybe they had long forgotten the feelings of being a student, but after all, most of them did go through the student phase, so they supposedly should be able to understand a bit. But still, they would have long lost the capability to relate to a student.

As a friend had said, there are things more important than books and facts. And it takes more than just the bookshop, a computer or the library to learn all these.

2008-01-03T05:16:00.000+08:00

Time check: 0520hrs.

I was browsing through some blogskins and I yawned at 0515hrs.

Goodie... I shall try to force myself to sleep again, though I have to wake up at 8 later.. haha..nitez...

2008-01-03T04:38:00.000+08:00

Time check: 0444hrs / 4.44am

I did not just wake up, but rather I haven't slept. Mr Tan here is suffering from his very first insomnia, the very first time in 20 years (going 21) Even the day before exams or interviews, the most I will go is toss and turn for one hour plus and then I will go to sleep. I have been tossing and turning since 0000hrs till now. I drank milk, I counted sheep, I played PSP, I even took out my most boring notes to read. It did not make me feel sleepy at all, but nothing went into my head as well.

Insomnia!!!

I guess it is only at this point of time you realise how important that person is to you.

Well, since I cannot do much constructive things, I might as well write about new year resolutions.

1) Pass M2 (Please...)
2) Be less emo...
3) Gain more muscles
4) Clear my acne

Number 1. Well.. microB CA is this coming monday and I am.. ha, i wish for a pass la... Passing M2... It can be difficult, but can be consider easy also? I dunno... It is just not me to mug whole day 24/7 everyday and get good results. I rather do things on my own pace and score ok to pass. Even if I score well once, I know for sure it wouldn't be consistent.

Number 3. Been going to gym, but taking a break during this bi guan period. See how, I think I am not disciplined enough la.. haha

Number 4: Going to skin specialist centre this friday already. Hope to clear these corynebacterium ASAP!! Woo Chiao, you wait...

Number 2: Be less emo.
It is something major. Emo has been a zejia-ish word already. Changing this might change this identity. Ha, but I feel there is a need to. This emo-ness had caused so much unhappiness, conflicts and troubles for the past few months. If people can handle it, so be it. But people who can handle an emo state are so rare. So for the benefits of the majority, zejia shall not be emo. (try not to la, less emo only ma haha)

Time check: 0500hrs. People are waking up soon to go to school and work. I am finally feeling a bit of drowsiness, but only a faint one. I am not even yawning. Not a single yawn from midnight till now!! Insomnia....

2008-01-01T22:41:00.000+08:00

I so totally hate last night. The TV kept showing where people went for countdown and stuffs. Even yes 933 kept harping on where to go for countdown. IRRITATING!! Cos... while people are counting down, I am stuck at home in my bedroom TRYING to read microb notes...

Things haven't been smooth few days before new year, and while i hope the new year will put an end to this harsh period, but god proves me wrong once again. I am truly going crazy. How ridiculous.. At this point of time when I really need someone to be there for me and be with me, that someone is missing from my life, totally. Have things changed or have things not? Is it worse not to have someone potential to turn to at this point of time, or to have someone you could have turned to but you cannot.

Crazy crazy crazy.. As woochiao likes to put it, zejia is emoing again oh my god. Ha.. yes.. and the stress from trying to swallow all the bact and antibiotics is SO helping A LOT...

2008-01-01T22:07:00.000+08:00

What is a family? I think many people would have thought about this question before. Is it just a house? Which some mother would put it as "you treat here as a hostel is it, just come home and sleep" Or is it a responsibility and you have a role to play? An identity and ownership which you claim it as yours and from which you derive an identity in this society, e.g you are one of the Tans. Or is it a shipyard where you seek shelter at the end of everyday after fighting the waves and storms outside? A team who face challenges together and win victory at the end of the day? Or is it a cosy fireplace where close kins get together for support and sharing?

I wonder how people define their family as, cos their definitions would provide a clue to how he or she sees the family as. Just like a relationship, I believe people derive what they want from a family and this is what keeps the thing "family" going.

When you accidentally killed someone, would you go home first or you will go somewhere else?
When you get good results or failed all your subjects, do you think of going home first or you will go somewhere else?
When you are sad or being bullied, do you go home immediately or you will go somewhere else?

However, the idea of getting what you want from this family is devastating. In this era, even for the more traditional parents, the many reasons which they want and have a family are purely gains. Well, you have to give and chip in for others to gain also, and it is this delicate balance of give and take which keeps everyone in place and running in this family structure. I don't believe in noble thinkings that: "A family is a family, you should sacrifice yourself for your family cos it is your family" Even a philosopher needs to write stuffs to eat, who can be satisfied with purely the word "family"?

I may seem to be demeaning the whole sacred idea of family and undermining its nobility and integrity. However the truth is the truth. Conflicts in family happen when the balance of gives and takes is tilted. Especially in a family where someone keeps giving in all these years and have never taken. It could be because the someone had no idea what he or she wants, or it could be he/she is happy with the idea of having a family. However, when external influences come into play, mindset changes, and hence desires and needs emerged. Even a super duper tyre will wear out one day. And when this someone decides that he or she wants to gain something from this structure, dooms day.

There are many scenarios and cases of conflicts arising because of the imbalance. Someone may ask, if family is all about gaining something and giving in to someone, what about the image of a family as a support, a shelter? Suntec city and the parliament house are built differently for different purposes, but fundamentally, they were built with the same thing, only how it is being used differently. But if without the brick, every building no matter how magnificent it is, will never be able to stand.

2007-12-21T22:42:00.000+08:00

It all started with a story. It is amazing how you can win someone's heart with a story. I suppose it takes some intelligence at least to reconstruct a story so that it is more apt for the specific situation, but at the same time I also gave a seemingly not-too-clever impression, I wonder how I manage to do that.

Fences story. It have been there all the while, except that I didn't realise it at all. Somehow, thinking back about it now, it seems so surrealistic. It was there with me, the source of origin of everything, the once-upon-a-time of our story; fences story.

Trying to enjoy my break, cos everytime I am having time, the thought of having MB exam on the first day of school kills all the mood. It is a bloody mood spoiler. A lot of people have started already, but I have not. See how ba, I really really really just wish to enjoy this break to the fullest cos god knows when the next one will come...

Watched compass and national treasure 2 on wednesday night/thursday morning. Movie marathon!! Haha, only 2 movies in the row la, with a short 30min break in between. Both are considered nice movies to me, probably because I have not been watching any movies lately except for Alvin. A lot of people loved Alvin, but somehow I dun really feel the "thing" about it. I dun feel all the "wow" and "woo" at all. Yes they are cute and that is it, their cuteness dun rub off me after the show ended. I dunno why, maybe cos I am old already... can't be la... Watever the reason is, to me, Alvin, Compass and National Treasure all share the same standing.

Time is running out and I still have so many things to do. Money is running low and I still have so many things to buy. I hate being retrenched.. All my students graduated liao, they better do. But that leaves me penniless... Poor...

2007-12-18T01:24:00.000+08:00

So many things are running through my mind. Outcome: Emo

Thoughts number 1:
It is amazing how you can feel happy FOR someone yet at the same time be angry WITH someone. Even the person myself couldn’t figure out this weird feeling.

Thoughts number 2:
Why do people need a possessive counterpart to make her/her feel wanted? Lack of security? Perhaps.

Thoughts number 3:
It is interesting how people can use love to manipulate things.

Parents will go, “You know I love you, I may beat you and scold you, but I love you” So love = authority to beat
Lovers will go, “I may not be treating you very well, but you know I love you”
So love = a pass to no need to put in effort
Friends will go, “I love you, you know it. I don’t have to do this and that to show”
So love = excuse to everything

It is interesting how people can distort the idea. We can be lazy to do this, can’t be bothered about that, couldn’t control oneself to do something, and in the end, use love to redeem everything.

So it sounds like, “I may be burning the forest and polluting the sea, but you know I love the world.” So I dun need to do anything.

Thoughts number 4:
Vampires is a not very clever species I suppose. They need to bite people for blood to survive. Every prey they get will turn into a vampire, to compete for food. So the more they feed, the less food they got and in turn the more of them they have to feed. Then how?

Thoughts number 5:
What happen when someone’s life is all about job and work? How many people didn’t get married because of this? How many people had dysfunctional family or divorce because of this? It becomes an excuse for not being able to do a lot of things. Then they will talk about compensation in other ways, which is equivalent to waiting for Santa to come to my house down the chimmy in Singapore.

Thoughts number 6:
I realize I have low tolerance for people who dunno how to do HR properly and being irresponsible. Maybe I am too demanding on people, but people, details are important.

Thoughts number 7:
Knowing something and feeling something is different. Your parents keep telling you they love you, it is something you know. What they do to make you feel so is another thing. Do you feel like what you know?

2007-12-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

It is really stupid to sit down and then think you had done something damn foolish. It is always the if-i-had-known, and i-should-have. I guess it is pointless now. I told myself I should be happy that at least they are back again happy. But I can't help feeling so angry and disappointed about everything. I asked her so many times, I even arranged with people painstakingly and in the end?

I really really find myself foolish and stupid for believing in some things. I shouldn't have wasted any effort at all, it is so not worth it. I swear I would never end up doing anything like this anymore to the two of them cos I always believe in something. I would only be nice to people who know how to appreciate. It is totally meaningless otherwise and you would only be bringing shame to yourself, which I did. For the 2 persons who had dinner with me yesterday, please remind me next time, slap me awake if you need to, should I start to have illusion again.

2007-12-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

Back from Phuket!!! It had been such a wonderful trip and I really really wish it could have lasted longer... There are things that would have ruined the whole trip but fortunately the things we did save everything.

If you walk down any street in Phuket, you would probably think you are walking down some street in the Europe or something, cos the Ah Mohs are everywhere!! And I mean it when I say they are everywhere!! No wonder where you go, at least 50% of them are whites, and not to mention tourist places, we seem to be the only few asians! As for the streets, it resemble that in China.

Weather is good, sunny and hot, haha and that explains my burnt I suppose. Air is ok, seawater is clear! Shawn was saying the only thing we can fight with their seawater is our tap water, lol. And their tap water tasted salty.. Food wise... probably due to the fact that it is such a whites-packed place, they food we get were either western or thai both of which we can get in Singapore, so nothing fantastic.

First day we arrived there, we went to the Fantasea which is like a MUST if you go Phuket. It is hard to explain what I see there, the show is fantastic, whatever you see here at Sentosa muscial fountain, zoo, bird park, magic show etc, bring everything over, add them together and multiple the wow rating a few times. Every single actor and actress put in their heart and soul, so unlike some cheap budget theatre show we see. It is not something very special to see dedicated acting, but when the main highlight of the show is not acting, it becomes something so worth mentioning. Everything is just so perfect I would say.

Then at night, we went for massage, which made me really really sleepy...

Second day was spent on a sea trip out to Phi Phi island and many other islands around Phuket. We stopped at many beaches for tan, swim and snorkeling!! I always see fishes and coral reefs on TV but never 1st hand. It was really breathe-taking, the sight and everything. All the fishes were swimming around you and you can feel them swim past your body right into your face. For a non-water person like me, it is another wow k. But the embarrassing thing is all the ah mohs on the same trip with us can just jump in like that and swim, but we are the only ones who need to quietly creep to one corner, wore the life jackets before plunging in... Oh well.. I told you I am a non-water person.. Heehee

By the time we came back, we were red hot, burning and tired. It was then I decided to come back the next day instead of extending the trip. Actually we paid for the next day trip already, which is to James Bond Island and we even booked a taxi to take us shopping at the biggest shopping centre there near Phuket town. However, in the end, the decision was made to come back on the 13th, so we had to give James Bond Island and shopping a miss...

Knowing we dun have much time left, we decided to play our hearts out the whole night. After washing up, we went to watch the ladyboys show Simon Cabarat. It was.. boring.. I nearly fell asleep. It is just a plastic show showcasing their breasts and costumes and their 101 ways of seducing people to take photo with them. I wasn't very impressed at all. Then we went for some shopping to compensate but nothing much to shop also... By the time we finished it was already past 12 and in Phuket, by 12 everywhere is closed. So we went to the local nightclubs instead then went for another massage.

Next day, caught the morning flight and back to Singapore. If I had known, I would have stayed on longer... But I shouldn't complain, at least I had a great time there for a day plus.

Back to Singapore, kinda miss there. I kept thinking of the winding mountain road. It is like a stretch of road which I would definitely pass to get to anywhere out of where we are staying. Imagine a straight road, now, made this road goes up and down (very up and down), next imagine it winding at the same time, to the left and to the right. Lastly imagine the road tilting to the sides at an angle of about 30 degree. This is the road we were on for most of our time. Scary... Especially at night and the drivers were all quite fast...

As I was saying, how do you tell if you are in Singapore. Look far ahead, what do you see? If you see tall building, you are in Singapore. If you see the horizon, you are in somewhere else, which is true. But one other thing which becomes more prominent to me after I came back was the scenery. No matter where you are in Singapore, every building, every tree, fence, dustbin, pillars and walls, are clean and nice. I guess this is the big contrast with what I see everything there.

I wouldn't mind going back there again I suppose, but being treated as a second-class tourists to the ang mohs is something which really puts me off all the time. But what to do? I think you get this shit everywhere you go...

2007-12-11T08:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when the pace in life is too fast, we just long for a getaway, far from the city to take a break. I am sure all of you have run at least 2.4km before. Some of the guys were taught to maintain constant steady pace throughout the run, cos once they stop and slow down fatigue will set in. But for some people, they adopt the charge and rest, charge and rest technique.

Life is a marathon. I hate running, I prefer to walk slowly, why are you so anxious to go and die? =) But somehow, when you are on the road which you have to run to survive, I suddenly find myself running like never before. I pant so much that I thought I may collapse anytime. A rest is all I need before I can continue. Of course, fatigue will set in and the desire to stop forever may pull me from continuing the run. However, I guess the aim to finish this race is stronger than anything else.

I am bullshitting huh? Few words for my friends here. I sort of couldn't leave with a peace of mind cos there are so many things unsettled and I hope things wouldn't take a big turn these few days when I am away.

If you treat someone as your friend, be concern and observant about what is happening and he or she may be going through. Dun treat the person as just a mere companion. Friendship extends from companionship, it doesn't stop there. Knowing what is wrong isn't important, knowing something is wrong is enough. You dun need to solve the problem for him or her cos you are not God, you dun need to answer prayers. You just need to be there for him or her, let them know that no matter what at least they still have you with them.

I think a lot of times after adapting to our education system, we want problems and the solutions. But these are really not the core. You can make someone feel better without having to know what exactly happen. So what if you know, what can you do? If your friend chooses to tell you, just listen, dun expect yourself to be able to help solve it. If your friend doesn't, so be it.

It doesn't hurt to spend a little effort trying to check on people around you, especially when you have considered them as part of your life, going out with them and meeting them regularly. You never know when you need them to do this.

Alright, I shall be off. Going on the plane in few hours time. Cya soon! =)

2007-12-10T21:02:00.000+08:00

-Out of town-

2007-12-04T22:23:00.000+08:00

崇拜---梁静茹

雷声风声雨声...
你的姿态
你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱
就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜
雨声...
我活了我爱了
我都不管了
心爱到疯了恨到算了就好了
可能的可以的
真的可惜了
幸福好不容易怎么你却不敢了呢
我还以为我们能不同于别人
我还以为不可能的
不会不可能
风筝有风
海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白
所以离开
所以不再为爱而爱
自己存在在你之外

梁静茹的歌总是会给我那样的惊喜. 不是因为这首歌特别好听, 只是简单的喜欢它的词, 淡淡中带着一点诗意, 在平静中感受到一点震撼. 这, 就是它给我的感觉.

没有一个人可以那样的主宰另一个人的生命, 换句话说, 没有人会因为没有另一个人而不能活. 人, 是群体动物, 但, 人更是个体的生物.

那, 我存在在你的存在, 又是怎样的一会事? 没有你我会死. 是你完成了我的生命. 是你让我的天空有了太阳. 这些大家都听过的话, 可能甚至用过的话, 大概解释了"我存在在你的存在" 少了他, 你就觉得生命少了什么重要的东西, 你就象少了一块. 有他的存在, 你才决定自己存在. 这样的感觉和想法, 你能理解和感受吗?

很喜欢"风筝有风, 海豚有海" "我存在在我的存在, 自己存在在你之外"
人一旦坠入爱河, 都会失去理智, 爱的要死要活. 没有他会死, 没有他会怎样. 虽然是可以理解, 但就是因为恋爱而昏了头. 风筝有风, 海豚有海, 这两句真的美. 风筝自己有风, 海豚自己有海, 不需用任何人去给他风和海. 存在在我的存在, 也许才是最实际的吧.

2007-12-03T19:28:00.000+08:00

After being a listener for years, all the advice I had given to my friends who lookup to me as some "love guru" (thanks peeps for thinking so highly of me), were experiences and encounters by my numerous other friends who had fallen in and out of love. Today, finally I can have some input from my own experience. Afterall love guru is still human, like a doctor who can treat others but not himself, a love guru may seem experienced in relationship but when it comes to his own, everything is brand new to him.

Experiencing it and feeling it first hand is afterall different from listening. I started to understand what my friends who told me in the past, which I had always thought I know how it feels and why it is so, and even for some, I felt that it was stupid but I didn't say it. Now I can slowly understand and feel more and more as each days pass, as each conflict arose and resolved.

My brother told me this: The grass is always greener on the other side.

In the past, the idea case is finding someone who fits all your criteria and requirements. Hence the issue on a much greener pasture isn't a big problem, cos it wouldn't be very much greener after all the preliminary, quarter-final, semi-final and final selection rounds. So you can just live with it.

However, another group of people presented to me their case: All the so called criteria is only a guide, eventually the person you fall deeply in love with may not have fulfilled all your requirements. It is the L factor, we call it "Love". But, if this is the case, then one problem will arise: But if one day you see a grassland which suits all your requirements? People thought and talked about criteria cos they are consciously and subconsciously aware that there are certain traits in people who will attract them. So, seriously what if you find a greener grassland? Unlike the 1st situation presented, the grass is really very much greener...

What will happen? I did some extrapolation and came up with a few points:
1) The sheep will leave the old grassland and go to the new and greener grassland
2) The sheep will stay

I know you will be feeling like... diao.... of course right, it is either stay or leave what.. but what and why? What causes the sheep in (1) to leave? Didn't it love the grassland initially very much? In order for it to leave just like that, it could only be that the so called L factor present initially had faded away... If it is someone who only goes for green grass, why would it settle for the old grass patch initially? It is factor L. It can forsake all its criteria and settle for the old patch due to factor L, and the day it leaves the patch for a greener one would only suggest the fading of the essential emotion in this relationship.

Sheep number 2 stayed. Why? Different people have their reasons to stay on, but majority would be going by the thought of loyalty and faith. The longer the relationship, the bigger the loyalty bonus. For some, it is more practical, it had already wasted enough time and effort and it sees no point in investing in another new stock which may seem lucrative but risky at the same time. And for some, it is just pure factor L at work, magic of love.

Putting everything I had said aside, some cases presented to me with no greener grass. It is purely the lost of the essential emotion. I started feeling a bit disillusioned after seeing how factor L can slowly fade away with time. Hence I share my little thoughts here: factor L is like vitamins. They need to be replenished constantly. The body can never survive with the initial fixed amount of it. You need to know when to top up when necessary. Perhaps it work? I am not sure. You can tell me if you have tried it out.

2007-12-02T21:22:00.000+08:00

Early christmas present!!! Went to suntec build-a-bear-workshop with jasmine today to get two bears for each of us as christmas present!!

Introducing... Winter bear Chris!!
What so cool about him: He is borned today and hand picked hand made today!
And he has two hearts! One heart filled with my wish, and the other one beats! Haha, press him on the left chest and feel his heart beating!
Too bad, never videoed the process of making...

Chris bear in his boxer!!! Cute right? (the bear not the boxer k...)
(and jasmine is the one who chose the boxer.. you should check out jasmine bear's panties la... oops!)

His birth cert... which is bigger than him la...

Chris bear is a surgeon! A funky one cos he wears a pair of sunglasses into the OT. (not supposed to)

Dun forget the cap!

Heeheehee... give me all your money....

Let me look at the chest X-ray.. hmm....

It is a success! The patient survived!!

Smart looking right? Heeheehee...

Chris bear and jasmine bear, both borned today!

And they their ID tags are in order! (No easy to find k, cos all anyhow mixed one)

2007-11-30T21:35:00.000+08:00

I know I should never never post such an entry here but I really couldn't take it anymore. The medicine environment is really really really killing me. Wonder why I keep ponning this and that? To get away from all the people there if I have the chance.

I dunno if this is some emotional imbalance or what, but I couldn't stand all the plastic smile and fake friendliness. I am really a simple and straightforward person, dun like means dun like, neutral means neutral, like means like. Yes, there could be some grey area but not these...

Nobody can be in medicine and says he isn't competitive cos you have to be before you can even get in. People in medicine have this mentality they are class, noble, cream of the crop and with these tags, come snobbishness and air of arrogance. Perhaps I have this big group of people in the super mainstream group to constantly remind me of the real world out there. However also as a result, i see and feel the world's most disgusting thing ever.

I dun understand how they can do it. I am disturbed, very. Everyone seems to be out to put everybody else down, everyone is waiting for the chance to prove himself. Every single one, be it conscious or subconsciously, it is something inert i suppose. I have it too, but I know not to let it rule me and become someone I really dread. I may not be a man of noble values in many areas, but when it comes to such thing I really hate to see dirt and mud in people's actions and intentions. Sadly, they got into my eyes for the past 1 year past. They are essential for survival I agree. By doing whatever they are doing (they call it a habit or they are born like them conveniently), they are slowly climbing the ladder feeding their ego and hunger.

I dun wish to describe all the incidents I had seen and experienced otherwise it would be pinpointing specific people. I can no longer find myself connect to them at a higher level. Everything becomes official and superficial. Perhaps it is also a good way to protect one self. As kongzi had said, jun zi zhi jiao dan ru shui. I guess I had finally understood the truth in this saying.

2007-11-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish things are within my control but sadly they are not always....
I wish I did not know the results today, at least I wouldn't be so affected...
There are ways to comfort myself, but so are there ways to make myself even sadder...

2007-11-21T17:47:00.000+08:00

Another entry. Well you can easily infer how I am feeling now, to be able to type an entry 2 days before my CA.

I hate to admit but studies had taken quite a toil on me lately. And I am fully aware things will not change if not worse. Today after school at 4, I walked out of the campus and just hopped on the 1st bus that came, 953, which took me all the way to woodlands. It was a long journey, and it had been some time since I had a long bus journey. I have always liked the feeling of sitting on the bus going round and round. It had also given me time to think about a lot of things.

By the time I reached woodlands, it was already 5pm plus. The crowd outside causeway point was kinda expected, but a thought and a strong emotion struck me suddenly. I saw people around my age, younger than me, older than me, boys and girls, men and women, all standing around and waiting. Waiting for people to have dinner with them, waiting to share their day of experiences, waiting to share good news, bad news, or simply just waiting to spend the rest of the day with someone.

At that point of time, I had this urge to want to go for dinner outside with someone. I dunno what it is call, but I like the idea of meeting your loved ones after work or school to go for dinner then go home together or something. But I am fully aware of the limitations. I told myself not to complain cos you have to compromise and accommodate. This is the art of any relationships. Me going down to the workplace to have dinner at the workplace with or without the colleagues, I am afraid not a slightest of that is what I want. Perhaps I have been comparing, but I dunno with what, with past experiences or with my expectations or with the norm as seen today outside causeway point.

And I know I shouldn't complain. Now I can afford to have dinner outside, but in future during clinical years, things will get harder. As what we had said last time at SGH, you can arrange to meet someone at 7 but you have a high possibility of only able to reach there at 9. It is perfectly normal for us, and probably that's why slowly we are cut off from friends of the outside world... But I suppose dinner at 9 outside wouldn't be too far from what I had expected..

---------------------------------------------------------

Something happened at home again. I can conveniently push it aside and say it doesn't concern me at all, but I know I can never do that. I dun wan to blame anyone, cos I think I know why such adverse measures were taken. I was indirectly part of the reason also. But I am starting to be disillusioned. All the effort I put in to trying to prevent such a thing from happening, doesn't stop it from happening at all. It is like studying so hard but none of the things you studies came out. You started questioning yourself if it is worth it, if you should have spent so much effort trying so hard, when someone's stupidity can just demolish every single brick you had laid with one breathe.

It is always at times like this you start to feel like a stupid idiot. Perhaps your status hadn't changed at all, that is why your words carry no balls for people on thought. I seriously feel like laughing and saying "see I told you and you refuse to listen" but I know the concern overwhelmed this urge to do so.

2007-11-17T12:51:00.000+08:00

Been nearly a month since I had sat down and blogged. A lot of things had happened, new changes in life, new approach in life, new phase in life. Most of the changes were due to the appearance of someone special in my small little world.

As Jasmine had put it, I had everything I wanted and I have no complains about life. This is why I had stopped blogging for so long. Yes I agree partly with her, cos I have found the 3 most important people in my life. My mum, a close friend and someone special. They were the ones who truly takes good care of me and always so protective of me. Not like a guy like me need so much of a protection, but still the security and protection and attention and care makes a guy feel wanted and loved.

Someone once told me, it is a guy's job to shelter girls from the rain, take care of them and protect them. However, if a guy can find someone to do that to him, he is really the most blessed person on earth, which I agree with him. And I always remind myself that I do not only have 1, but 3. They allow me to wake up to breakfast in front of me. They are the ones who will rather let themselves get wet and shelter me from the rain. They are the ones who will pamper me like a child and do many many stupid things which really touched my heart. I admit at many times I did not show it in front of them, but quietly alone, I really appreciate everything they had done for me, especially my mum who had taken care of me for 20 years while risk being labelled biased lalala... (and I dun mind continuing being a mummy's boy if that's the case haha) I guess it is just me to find it hard to express my appreciation in front of them, I can only feel it deep inside my heart.

----------------------------------------------

As usual, I seriously feel like complaining about school again, but I realise I would be saying the same thing over and over again, so saved it la.. In fact I think I had said something similar to the previous line so many times already ha.

But lately I am starting to feel something very strongly. In the past, my life is school, family and friends. Three very different way of lives. Now, due to the entry of someone special, my life is split into 4 and I am starting to feel tired having to switch between 4 different "me". Zejia number 1, zejia number 2, chris number 1, chris number 2.

I find it hard to explain, but just trying imagining these 4 areas of your life is so different from one another, and everytime I am in each area, I felt so different. The transition part is the killer. I really find it hard to transit from one to another smoothly. After hanging around too long with that someone special and the workplace, my pace has to slow down, my biological clock has to be reversed, the people there are less ambitious, they give me the feeling of having nothing to do, nothing to worry about, less stressful, have fun and live on. This is so contrasting to school, especially med. It is the direct opposite. Especially during this exam period, the transition is hitting me waves after waves continuously. At there, you dun feel like studying, you feel like you can just enjoy your life, play around with them, but the other side of me would be pushing me to go study and go be stressful. Conflicting emotions? Sort of. To the extent I dun noe what I want, I want to relax or I want to be serious and stressed? Most of the time I am lost. Cos in med, there is no time for relaxing and playing? Everything is so packed and fast and stressed that you hardly have the time to breath...

I really find it hard to explain how I have been feeling... Aiya.... watever...

2007-10-03T12:32:00.000+08:00

Special Post:
I was having my COFM (community, occupational and family medicine) module tutorial today and we were discussing about evidence-based medicine--- prescription of antibiotics.

The case as summarized: Mother brought sick son to see doctor. She requested for antibiotics, but doctor feels that there is no need to and there might be disadavantages such as side effects and viral resistance to antibiotics.

I am everyone has seen a GP before for flu, fever sore throat etc. Did they give you antibiotics?

The topic is evidence-based medicine, so as the name suggests we need to have evidence supporting the appropriate use of antiobiotics. So, we are presented with this meta-analysis (basically just a summary of results from a series of clinical trials with regards to anitbiotics usage)
*Disclaimer: Although my prof said it is a valid reliable metaanalysis, but the results I am going to present later are purely from the readings, and I hereby do not take any responsibility k. In fact, you believe it is your business =)

Ok, so the results are: There is no significant evidence to support the use of antibiotics in certain clinical settings and there is no significant prove to the side effects of taking antibiotics as well.

So using this piece of evidence, we come back to the arguement: So, it is ok to give antiobiotics or not? The case shall be presented from two points of view:

Doctor:
He can choose not to give, since it really has no significant help to the recovery. By prescribing them, he would only be wasting the medicine. At the same time, he fears the possible side effects of antibiotics too. However, since the studies suggest no significant harmful effects, wouldn't the table turn a little. Plus, as a GP, he is practising in private and his income based on the number of patients. Some patients insist on getting antiobiotics (explain later), for fear of losing his patients he has to give. In addition, since it has no side effects, might as well give them and earn extra money in that sense.

Maybe at this point of time you would feel that so doctors give you antibiotics is so he can earn money from you, but there are many factors that turn the table as well. Most important is fear. Antibiotics is not needed for viral infection but they are required for bacteria infection, especially variance strains. What if the patient dies because he did not give antibiotics, he may sued for malpractice. So, since it has no side effects, and he can never be sure if the infection is viral or bacteria, might as well give, to play safe. Right?

Patient:
The problem with patients is we dun understand how antibiotics work. We have no idea if they really work, have no idea about the side effects and stuffs as well. For many of us, we also feel like the doctor, might as well eat la, play safe. For some, it is more of making the money worth it. I spend so much to see you, how can you not give me antibiotics. The common belief: Sick takes antibiotics will get well. Hence it results in stress on doctors especially GP to prescribe antibiotics.

This sort of solved my question all this years. In my neighbourhood, there are 5 private clinics but my GP's clinic always has the most crowd. Initially I thought it was the charges, but after surveying I realise the charges are similar. Then I felt it was the projection, cos the doctor and the nurses in the clinic wear uniforms, so it sort of gives us an impression they are professional. But today I realise why, cos he always give antibiotics, but the rest do not. I went to one of the other clinic once when my GP's clinic had such a long queue and I was in a hurry. For similar symptons, he did not give me antibiotics, and told me to go home rest. I was in secondary school then. Feeling insecure, I went back to my GP again and he gave me antibiotics. I think it reflects how patients had this impression that antibiotics is the one which will cure us. T cells are the ones who will clear the infection. =)

I am not implying that it is wrong or right. It is true that antibiotics is still needed for some infection. It is true that antibiotics will induce resistance in some strains. On the other hand, if they really have no other side effects, I feel that it is also understandable for doctors to prescribe antibiotics to cover their backside plus satisfy their patients, Face the fact, medicine is also a service sector, and doctors do need to eat as well.

2007-09-21T22:18:00.001+08:00

I was there, on the balcony, few metres away from the stage.
Four people dawned in thick makeup and flamboyant costumes were dancing around.
Behind them are towering buildings, with lights still on at late hours, at different levels.

Here, and there, everyone was working hard to earn a living. It was a contrasting scene, their job, their working conditions were so different. A question struck my mind. Is this what they want to be? Could these performancers had actually wanted a desk-bound jobs and those still rushing project in late hours in the offices, had actually longed to be able to dance around have fun to earn a living? Are they doing what their hearts had wanted to, deep down inside...

As a professional performancers, once you put on your makeup and wear your costume, you are not you anymore, you are who you are suppose to be on stage. I wonder how do they feel, doing what they were doing on stage. Do they like it, truly deep down inside? Do they actually despise themselves and felt shameful. Or do they actually not feel anything, because, as one of them put it, numb. To become numb to something, imagine the numbers of emotional roller coaster and trauma one had to withstand in order to be numb to something.

Could it have been a can't-be-help situation? It sounds funny. Some people had to do such a show though they hate it so much because they had to make food appear on the table. Some people had to give up such a vibrant job and settle for a desk job, so that he can have food on the table. No matter what the case is, loving what you are doing now is the most important i think.

To have to go to the extent of convincing yourself that you like what you are doing now... I felt so much for them. Try doing that to yourself, forcing a smile for the audience when you are crying deep inside. I think it is hard to imagine unless you have felt so before.

2007-09-17T23:18:00.000+08:00

Time for some updates I suppose. After being missing in action for so long, it is time to catch back what had been lost. Recalling everything in words would be so tedious, so I decide to adopt primary school method: Picture conversation. =)

Episode 1:

Alright, first of all, guess the price of this pair of slippers?
Hint: The brand is Red Wings (it has an outlet in suntec, but soon you will see them on the shelves of many shops selling shoes) My friend is doing the preparation to bring it to Singapore's market, hopefully it would be a success. =)
Anyway, so the answer is.... $170+ if i am not wrong. But definitely over $100!
Reason: It is fully hand made from some tree bark and you can never find two identical pairs because of the different patterns. Oh well, not something I would wear on my feet. =)

Episode 2:

A photo of.... one of the powerpoint slide. Things you can do with the technology now, especially when you are so sleepy and shag... Which often happens to me... Haha. I even took a video of something interesting, but think if I post here I would kena sued, so only for private sharing.

Found sometime to meet up my other younger sister: Cherie. (to guys out there, she's still single wor, cute right? haha, can register your name with me, only need to pay $10 registration fee, then I will organise a date, lol) Think next time I need to bring my helmet out if I am meeting her liao, lol.

Have you drank F&N Zapple before? How about Zhong Guo Pin Guo Shui, but in aluminium can right? How about in bottle form?!

Oh well, the rest of my time was spent on studying... Sia... See, even my sister;s hubby decided to pick up my mama robbins and start reading. The head so big, confirm absorb than me...

My tuitions are still on-going. Look at the photo, see, it is photosystem 1 and 2 in plants. This is what I set up to teach my CJ student. He is having his exam soon. As for the RJ girl, she is presently damn stressed with her prelims. Her mother even asked me to go easy on her, dun stress her too much if not she might break down... So scary.. I think I will be at a loss if she cries sia...

Episode 3:

Know who is this shuai ge? Sebastian Tan from Tian Leng! For entry on tianleng, refer to past entry.

Episode 4:
Dinner and Dance photo.... As promised.... I think I will regret....

Scream!!! I didn't know I look so damn drag queen la!!! Ok my fault, cos the makeup is I put myself one... Dotz... Anyone this is taken with da jie, yue yan.

Taken with Olivia.
But everyone loves my feather... Haha, I was flirting with almost everyone I know. Oh well... as Woo chiao put it. It is the only time you get to do such things, so, just go do it la! Haha.

Episode 5:

The next major event: Ziyan's first birthday celebration! A lot of photos were taken, but I am lazy to put them up la. And in conjunction with that, jasmine had officially became my mum's goddaughter. SO... yes jasmine is my sister k... She calls my mum godmum k. =)

Episode 6:
MAF!!! Met so many people! Attempted to dance, but gave up and decided to just anyhow dance. Can't remember a thing. Enjoy MAF yeah!

The lightings

Very nice right?

Class photo at MAF!!!

Episode 7:
Primary school gathering. Oh well, at first I thought got a lot of people will turn up but in the end, haha, still the same group of us... But at least this year we get to see Mr Tan!!! Our ex principal. He is still the same, nice guy, humble and fatherly. =)

Introducing my primary school gang:

Vincent: The head prefect.

From the left: Jun Jie (xiao di), dunno who, Joyce (er jie)
Though junjie is like my xiao di, but he is so much taller than me.... Among the group, I was the shortest among the guys...

Mr Tan taking a photo with us! =)

This is a gift from Mr Tan. He learnt and is teaching pottery now. This is one of his work and he kindly gave each of us one. And you should go to his place to see all his artwork!!! And many of them had won awards in australia. =)

He made this himself. And a lot more exquisite pottery at his place. And they are not cheap....

Episode 8: Path of no return...

The watch continues to tick...

2007-09-15T12:27:00.000+08:00

I saw it fall, right in front of me, less than half a metre away.
I didn't know how important it was to me, until minutes later when I regained my consciousness.
The second hand was still ticking away. The ticking sound seem to permeate the entire room. Time has never been felt so explicitly before.
The face was cracked into two. I stared at the pieces for a couple of minutes, not knowing how to react. Something overwhelming is trying to force its way out of me but I didn't let it out. I suppressed it, for I know not what monster I would unleash. I hate uncertainty and unexpectance.

Jasmine said people tend to associate something important with an object, a symbol. Like how I had objectified that relationship. Maybe a broken watch would suffice in convincing me that it is time I let go.

I pieced the cracked pieces back. The watch was still ticking away. But things were never the same ever again.

I saw it, lying there, right in front me, less than half a metre away.
I had just came home and there it was lying in front of my monitor.
A small little paper shirt folded out of sakura dining voucher. Such a small little thing threw me into the pits of sorrow and despair again.
Was it a hint? There was no explanation who else could have folded the shirt except for that someone. It was not me. It was a our "thing". Was it a miracle by god to send me a message?

I stared at it for a couple of minutes again. I told myself I need to make a call. But I suppressed it. There was no rationale behind all these.

I saw it clearly, lingering inside, so close yet seems more than a mile away.
I saw myself struggling to climb out of the pit. I have never managed to see so clearly that I have actually not let go of everything yet. All I need is just a slight push to make me fall so deep down again.

2007-09-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

"谁的眼泪藏地最好, 谁的掌声最多."

从"天冷"学到了两件事情.
第一课: "以前的我不知道自己要什么. 我只知道自己不要什么, 但就是不知道自己要什么."
不管是什么事情, 我总是说不要这样, 不要那个, 但就是不清楚自己要的是什么. 就象是什么都要抱怨, 但就是没有任何建议. 这样的一路拒绝, 绝望, 原来自己要什么都不清楚. 也许我应该停下来, 放慢脚步, 想想自己要的是什么. 不想再这样不断错过...

第二课: 没有机会实现自己的梦, 就让别人去实现. 这是程叔的决定, 我猜想也是老陈记总裁的梦想吧. 和妹妹说了自己的一个愿望. 也许还是会感到很懊恼不平, 但有些事情抱怨一下就够了, 结果还是一样. 承认和接受, 也许才能划上句号, 或休止符.

喜欢你

喜欢你
给我你的外衣
让我像
躲在你身体里
喜欢你
借我你的梳子
让我用
柔软头发吻你

喜欢你
车窗上的雾气
彷佛是
你的爱在呼吸
喜欢你
那微笑的眼睛
连日落
也看作唇印

我喜欢这样跟着你
随便你带我到哪里
你的脸慢慢贴近
明天也慢慢地慢慢清晰
我喜欢你爱我的心
轻触我每根手指感应
我知道它在诉说着你承诺言语

在一天内, 心情象潮水一样. 原以为四年前的事已成了过去, 但它似乎绕了地球一圈再次到访. 在大家的努力下, 保全了这个家. 今天同样是他要毁了大家的避风港. 今日不同往日了. 恨一个人, 怨一个人到了极点后, 得到是麻木. 也许是对他的怨恨和失望, 早就远远胜过了现在应该对他的不满和恨. 我终于勇敢的承认我恨他, 我怨他. 我不会再有任何理由游说自己.

2007-09-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

Act 1:

秋心赋

作词：梁文福作曲：梁文福编曲：洪敬尧歌

海无边天无际无边无际无尽期

风凄迷雨丝密残泪滴

人遥远心思念思思念念只一个你

不回忆又回忆空回忆

心上秋何年何月渐渐染上眉头

眉上秋早已积成心上忧

心上秋何时再与那年的你聚首

等是爱盼是爱望是爱

问年月何年月恨年月

很喜欢它的词.
心上愁染上了眉头, 眉上秋积成心上忧.
时间是如此的可恨.
不回忆又回忆, 回忆又只是苦苦的空回忆.
等待, 期盼, 希望. 问何时也是空. 恨岁月没有天长地久...

Act 2

如果你不小心想起我

作词:梁文福作曲:梁文福
今夜是否想起我
全世界的窗口都是灯火
独自坐在冷风里
寂寞坐在我心中
陪伴我想着你

今夜是否想起我
全世界的欢笑门前走过
独自退到夜背后
退到记忆的背后
找一个还有你的我

如果你不小心想起我
不要让他拥着你的难过
至少难过留给我
他有你和快乐
就把快乐以外的留给我

如果你不小心想起我
不要让他拥着你的难过
至少难过留给我
请你抬头看一看我有那么辽阔的沉默

朋友们的眼睛围着我
就像遥远温暖的烛火
他们看见我的欢笑
看不到笑容后那一个渐渐枯萎的我

是一个写得超棒的词, 也是我最喜欢的.
虽然已经分开很久了, 但生活始终象是少了什么, 也多了什么.
是多了寂寞.
让它深夜里陪我一起回忆着. 只有这样, 才可能看见有你的我. 让我回避现实.
你是否会不小心想起我? 我只希望你可以不小心地, 就够了...
把快乐以外的留给我, 至少让我有所拥有.
朋友看见我的欢笑, 都不曾想过, 也看不到笑容后那一个渐渐枯萎的我...

Act 3:

“Anyone Lived In A Pretty How Town” - E E Cummings
anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn’t he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn’t they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone’s any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by sidel
ittle by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

我永远记得这句话: 你是有选择. 也许很多时候人们都把"i have no choice"当作是一个很方便的解释. 也许是自己小心眼, 你做了决定就不要后悔, 因为我不会接受. You need to bear the consequences of your own decision.
我想, 我也是如此地同样这样对待自己.

我清楚不应该, 但我恨, 我恨老天没有给我一个好的开始, 没有给我一个完好的机会.
我恨我的出身. 我会想如果我没有出现在这个地方, 如今的我可能是一个no one而不是一个 someone. 面对现实, 不是每一个人都可能实现自己的梦想. 看一看他们, 他们都是不用担心吃喝的人, 他们都是用金钱从小就培养出来的. 而我正因为这些他们不用担心的事情而一次又一次错过机会, 也让我被迫放在一个不利的起跑点. 不是简单的努力, 而是有没有能力这样比较重要.

I have a choice. And I had made one. 我做了决定去做一个 someone everyone. 有些事情错过了就没有了.

痛恨.
愤怒.
承认.
接受.

也正因为这个决定, 我不可以后悔了. 我承认我是一个懦夫. 我没有勇气.
就让我这样庸庸过一生吧...

2007-09-02T00:17:00.000+08:00

天冷就回来.
是在雷雨后我觉得很棒的一出舞台剧, 而天冷更是一部音乐剧.
真的很棒, 都很自然, 不做作, 演员很棒, 都是实力派, 效果道具更是令人惊叹.
总而言之, 什么都好, 步伐节奏是我看那么多戏来, 拿捏地最好的一个.

简单的几小时, 对我的影响和启发却是那么的大...

我说: 生活就是为了累积回忆.
她说: 天长地久不一定只有回忆.
这是他们对爱情的盼望和信心. 很显然, 对于天长地久的爱情, 我从不相信了. 失去了信心, 或也许打从一开始根本就没有相信过.

朋友看见的是我的微笑, 但谁看见面具后的我其实在枯萎.
就象是一个肿瘤, 无息无声慢慢腐蚀着, 直到一个人突然倒毙.
没有征兆.
发现时已经太迟了. 这就是它的可怕...

他说: 你不怕我欺骗你的感情吗?
她说: 那你要骗我一生一世, 到最后也不要让我知道.
自欺欺人? 但, 有时什么都不知道才是幸福. 如果一个欺骗可以让我快乐一辈子, 那我宁愿不知道真相. 这也是为什么有人可以装做不知道... 是幸福的代价? 还是....

把眼泪伤心留给我, 你带着快乐和他一起走.
你没有迷失方向, 因为你永远住在我心里.

你的内疚对我来说根本不是一种安慰.
你的愧疚不会是我的安慰.
一句对不起, 是我的错, 什么都不是.
不要以为这样我就会好过一点. 你的对不起不足以安抚我失落的心灵.

每个人都有自己的选择. 你选择了家人朋友社会, 就否定了一切. 一旦做了决定就不可能回头了. 突然说要做真正的自己, 我一定会给你一拳. 当初的决定很明确的认定了我对你的重要性.
感觉一旦淡了失去了, 就算现在找回来了也会不一样了...

2007-08-26T13:36:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness! Yesterday was like one of the highlight throughout my entire time in medicine. =)

Last night DND (dinner and dance) was held at Oriental Hotel. I was sitting with my anatomy group. Our table theme is GETAI! Oh my god. I can still remember the whole preparation process. Going down to concourse, then realising we dun really know what to do. Then went to rent costume and realise that matthew has this hidden desire to be flamboyant. Well, I guess everyone has, just that we didn't expect to see it oozing out from matthew so furiously. Lol.

So we managed to get our costumes, which I think pic speaks a thousand words, I will upload some pic soon. Yesterday late afternoon we met at wc's house. Helped the guys to put up their makeup, guys included! We were rushing like mad, putting on makeup, doing our hair, spraying glitter, putting on our costumes. In the end, wc and I were the last 2 cos we were helping to put on makeup for the rest. I can't believe I have to draw eye shadow for myself, and unless wc who will be very daring when drawing others but very conserved when he is doing it for himself, I am the opposite! I almost got a shock when I realise how flamboyant I was. In the end, got to tune down a bit, if not I think everyone will want to stand away from me lol.

Nevertheless, we managed to be ready on time and wc drove us down. As you know and you will see soon, our costumes were VERY attractive. On the way there, I think many drivers were quite shock to see 3 getai performancers in the case.

Cut short the story, basically I really love our theme, cos we got the best table! And it is at the expense of us dancing like some himbo on the stage. But nevertheless, we still won k. Took a lot of photos. Cos I didn't bring a camera, so I cannot like go around asking for people to take photos with me, so I have to wait for people to ask me. Hence initially I was like thinking I would just stone there lor, but in the end, business was still quite good, I was flirting with almost everyone I had ever spoken to. For once, I am a bitch, damn. But as wc put it, it is the only chance for us to go all out to have fun and nobody is going to say anything. Cos it is DND, and the girls were all so XX as well. Oh well, ha.

Lucky me won a prize in the lucky draw as well. Too bad I didn't get any medical equipments, got a creative mp3 player instead. Plus one year 77th street membership for free, so you need anything tell me k. Plus free voucher to sun tanning studio for a free tanning session, sunshower 7000. Whatever it is la, but I will definitely go, since it is free. Aiya, just wait for photos then you all can get a better idea. =)

881 Rox!!!

也许乌云已经散去了.
或, 也许只是我一直微闭着眼睛, 让世界看起来比较阴暗.
我害怕乌云走了, 我就不能做梦了.

人生是回忆的累积, 活着就是要收集回忆, 但有时很想问, 收来做什么? 谁可以给一个很合理的答案?
我只想以后可以回想起这段恋情, 然后淡淡的笑一笑, 庆幸我比其他人幸福因为我遇见过真爱.
现在开始会有这样的感觉, 但总是带了一点的遗憾. 我想, 遗憾的感觉, 应该会慢慢淡去, 留下的是甜美的回忆.

2007-08-20T21:57:00.000+08:00

今天还是阴天.
多云. 是乌云.
可能是多了一些云. 也可能少了一些...
我不清楚.
总之, 是阴天.

昨晚没有做梦了. 感觉似乎是才刚躺下来, 闹钟就响起了. 突然脑海里闪过一些画面, 让我愣了好久好久. 嘴角隐隐约约地往上挑了一下. 原来醒着才能做梦, 做如此甜蜜的梦.

梦醒后的失落感却成了一个很大的落差.

走到浴室的途中, 探头看了看老妈的房间, 她和紫嫣还在熟睡着. 整个房子空荡荡的, 掉一支针都能听的清清楚楚. 就是那么的无声无息.

拿起了用品篮里的洗脸霜, 开始涂在脸上. 这个习惯是暑假其间才开始有的, 因为一个人. 以往的我都害怕鼻子弄到冰冷的水后会开始流鼻涕, 所以一直都不会在那么早就洗脸, 只会用湿布抹一抹.
我一边揉着我的脸, 脑力又浮现了一些画面. 不知道是要笑, 还是要哭. 这样的开始, 似乎不乐观. 我把洗脸霜放回篮子了, 看见我以前用过的洗脸霜还没有用完. 是因为一个人, 所以我把我用的牌子给换了. 效果还不错. 不知道为什么, 我顺手把旧的洗脸霜扔了. 我扔的却不是新的牌子...

回到房间整理上学的书包. 看着自己把书慢慢放进我的龟壳包后, 转身看着身后衣架上的衬衫, 才发现要微笑的渡过一天, 似乎没有那么简单. 家里的时钟坏了, 所以顺手看了看手表, 才发现完了拿. 回到房间取了一个白色的手表. 6.30. 迟了, 连忙开了门出去. 那手表, 其实是一对的. 身上的书包和衬衫都是人送的. 书包里的一个小拉口, 是一个用吸管编成的心型, 我时时刻刻都会带在身上.

也许学校可以找到心中的平静. 至少那里没有我们个共同回忆.

突然肚子起了抗议. 去了学校的厕所发现里头的情况不是很诱人. 马上转身离开, 就干脆忍到今晚吧. 这个不用公共厕所的习惯, 也是暑假才有的. 回到讲堂, 里头真的好冷好冷. 打开了书包, 在许许多多杂物当中找到了纸巾. 书包侧边还有一个水瓶. 曾经带纸巾是为了一个人, 水瓶也是因为同样一个人而带. 这些习惯, 现在成了我的习惯.

无聊地看起来那些杂物, 收据, 电影票等. 我总是一个垃圾桶, 不要的东西都往我这里扔. 吃东西也只吃一口然后要我吃完. 名副其实的垃圾桶. 但, 今天的食物突然变得很乏味. 早上想起一个人每天早上会提醒我的话, 吃了一块蛋糕当早餐. 过后一整天只吃了一个快餐的蛋糕. 我们总是吃吃吃, 现在似乎对吃没有什么兴趣了... 我想我有的瘦了...

时间过的很慢. 坐在外头发呆. 一个朋友走过来问我书包上的badge 是什么意思. 我看了看, 才发现那个人对我的影响远远超出了我的想象. 看着桌上的手机, 耳边似乎转来属于那梦竟的声音, 提醒我要把东西收好, 不要弄丢了. 象我这样的猪头, 总是会漏了什么, 丢了什么. 想起了一张熟悉的面孔. 眼前的一切突然有一种隔绝的感觉.

2007-08-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

终于刮起了台风.
荒野起了暴风沙.
云是那么的多, 那么的重, 那么的黑.
一层层这样叠在一起, 很重, 很黑.

一直憋着, 雨水还是无法破出云层落下. 只是那样一直累积着, 重叠着...
一直希望可以快一点落下, 这样也许乌云就会散去, 让太阳重新照着大地.
但, 在第一滴雨水落在脸上的时候, 又突然祈求它不要下了.
也许, 乌云会慢慢地自己散去.
有一天, 它应该会自个散去的.

天边闪过了几条雷电. 但雷的光却被云层给遮掩了.

一直发着呆, 看着电视的镜头不断在变, 脑里的画面一直在变.

那三天真的是目前最开心的日子. 从来没有那样开心过, 那么的幸福. 我一直回忆着, 一直珍惜着那美好的回忆.
尽管在做什么事情, 这些画面还是会一直不断浮现在脑海. 始终是一场梦, 应该会有醒来的时候, 我告诉自己. 但, 我真的好想就这样永远睡下去.

我想没有人会了解和明白. 如果我说我从来没有这样爱过一个人, 你会理解吗? 有人会问起另外的两个人, 但这一次, 是真的不一样. 我说过这样的话吗. 我从来没有那么坦白过, 但这是真的. 伤害真的很大. 是报应吧? 我不应该这样想, 我知道.

这样一直憋着, 真的很辛苦. 也许是老天把我的眼泪拿走, 当做我的惩罚.
原来真正受伤的自己是如此的这个狼狈样, 真的很可笑, 是哭笑不得.
明白很多的感觉, 更能明白身边朋友的故事和感受, 明白什么是突然失去了中心, 失去了动力和意义. 明白什么是让对方好.

愚笨的想着一个人. 等待着电话响, 希望会是期待的人, 但过后会问自己接来做什么? 大脑开始和我开了玩笑, 几番几次以为电话响了, 结果发现根本没有. 有简讯传进来, 心里突然很期待, 不知道是期待着什么, 因为很清楚自己希望的不会发生也不应该发生. 最后只能对着镜子笑眼前的白痴.

是一个完美的结局... 也许是吧... 这样的结局对谁都是好的, 虽然自己无法放开一切.

上个学段的暑假过去了. 我想我应该不会忘记这个美丽的日子.
新的学段开始了, 我是应该整理好心情, 让美好的回忆停留在那假日的最后一天.
暑假过了, 梦醒了.
谢谢你给了我那么美好的暑假.
明天我会面带微笑但应该无法忘记你.

期待着下个暑假的到来, 但, 感觉一定不一样了.

星期六的深夜

星期六晚上
哪都不想去
也无法入睡

看着电视机
持续在发呆
喝了七分醉

闭上了眼睛
试着不想你
但已来不及

忘了如何
让眼泪停止流下
还好没人看到
还好没人看见
没人会说话

星期六深夜
我想起了你
没什么特别
只是回忆

你让我自由
我很感激
星期六深夜

永远不会有任何人
能代替你

这就是遗憾的滋味
陪着我形影不离
明天我会面带微笑
但无法忘记你

2007-08-19T11:27:00.000+08:00

孤独让人变得脆弱, 让人不断去寻找某些事物去添满那空洞. 找到了, 把它放进去, 但慢慢却发现它似乎没有办法添满那个坑. 就象 enzyme theory 的 lock and key 或 induced fit, 不能搭配就是不能搭配. 是因为enzyme变质了, 导致坑越来越大大到它没有办法装满, 还是就如 enzyme 会分解 substrate 一样, 过了一阵子, 它就不能完全好好的添满坑洞.

被挖了一个坑的土地, 慢慢的它就会下陷. 被咬了一口的苹果, 慢慢的就会变黄. 少了绿叶的树, 慢慢的就会枯萎. 少了电缆的升降机, 永远只会停在低层.

今天的天气是阴天. 刮起了微大的风. 天色是暗的. 乌云象噩秏一样吞噬了大地的力量. 也许是因为在等待暴风雨的到来, 所以它迟迟不来, 或也许它根本不会来. 但, 天真的很暗, 如果这样的话, 应该会在预期后的几天就会凌厉这荒野.

累是怎样的一种感觉? 不开心又是怎样的一种感觉?
红色是热情也是愤怒, 绿色是嫉妒也是大自然的颜色, 蓝色是自由也是忧愁, 黄色是开心也是富有. 当所有的颜色加在一起的时候, 得当的却是暗淡的黑色.
感觉是麻木. 但又不是如此而已.

2007-08-18T22:59:00.000+08:00

原来两个人可以站的那么近, 但感觉却象是离彼此很远一样, 似乎就象是路人甲乙丙.

是一场梦. 是一场应该在雨季到来的时候就应该停止的梦. 但, 我拖延了一下. 起码是一个好梦. 现在的我意外的平静, 让我有一点的害怕. 是暴风雨来临前的征兆吗?

接下来的日子很不好受, 我知道. 我想会有什么事情会发生. 也许我会变得更坚强, 也许我会学到一些经验, 也许我会真正放弃, 我不知道. 我现在的脑袋是空白的. 真的是空白的. 我得到了什么? 什么都没有, 似乎是这样... 也许就想昨夜的梦一样, 慢慢的我就忘了梦的情景.

突然空出来的心灵空间我必须好好规划一下. 不能让其他的负面因素给占据了. 我自己很清楚, 这一次很不一样. 有一个人也很清楚, 这一次真的不一样.

空白的一切, 也许就象征着我的生命原有的颜色. 兜了一圈, 原来我还在原点. 醒了, 眼前的考卷还是空的.

2007-08-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

Well, I did not blog as much too since school reopens, which I said I would do so, haha.

First week of school: I am burnt out. For some reason, I am feeling all the stress which I felt I shouldn't, at least not at this point of time. It felt so much like towards the end of M1. Hello... it is only like 1st week of M2? This really cannot go on, if not I will just die before my first CA.

People are mugging so hard until I feel all the stress and pressure. Is it my hallucination or it is true that more and more people are mugging like mad, even when it is ONLY 1st week of school? I dunno. Peer pressure, something so deadly. Something which I thought I am not easily preyed by, but eventually I am just like any other people who doesn't wish to the one "who must do what they should"

COFM sucks... sorry, I have to say this. When I got into medicine I really felt relieved I am free from GP and humanities cheers! Until COFM decided to prove me wrong... National education plus geography plus GP... Damn... I only manged to stay awake for the very 1st lecture, subsequent lectures, I was sleeping like a dead log...

The rest are fine, at least up to now. No favourite track yet, cos everything is so new and fresh, only hated one, which is only COFM.... Oh anyway (COFM means community, occupational and family medicine) Dun try to decipher what it is about by looking at the names, I did that and I was shocked. Ya...

Well, only like 1st week of school. Quite a number of things happened. Got one issue on hand, plus my 3 other friends are facing some problems now as well. Much as I wish to help them, but my mood was terribly affected by my own issue and after hearing about their issues, I got worse. Then I realise there is no way I am going to help myself or them, with the state I am in now. Oh well, ha, I can only try to smile and laugh and use something to numb myself with...

I really wonder how long I can tolerate this. No matter how much I try to smile and laugh, and no matter how hard I tried to keep my brain busy with school work, there are times when I would drift away and then, it strikes. Maybe I should just kill myself first, it would solve all the problems.. Haha, no la, I am not suicidal yet. Maybe school isn't too bad, just that my mood made it real bad for me.

Am I even talking sense? Oh well, life sucks, haha (yes everyone says that, can I just say it again to make myself feel better?) DOtz... When you are alone, you lorn for someone to be with you and share sorrows and happiness with you. Is this so unbearable? I think what is worse is someone is with you, but the person never manage to share your sorrows and happiness. Then maybe not having one is better, cos you would not expect more and you would not make yourself miserable.

I recall how I preach people about similar stuff. But eventually, I think I am someone who cannot do what I preach. No matter how many times I told myself not to do this and that, in the end I still committed all the not-to-dos... Slap myself for it *bish*

Ok... crappy day if you realise, haha, if not you are really WOLS. (",)

2007-08-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

These two days just seem to be the worst days ever, two days in a row. Now I fully understand what people mean by when you are down in your luck, you really sink deep down, into deep shit.

Yesterday was first day of school. Woke up early to prepare for school, thinking I would be earlier by 30min, which I was. But the time was planned to go for my routine toilet trip and for my breakfast. In the end, because we need to sign some papers for the notepad, my time was used up. Attended my very first lecture with shit stuck in my ass, and acid pouring in my stomach.

After lecture at 1pm went over to help float. Felt like a total bastard when Joyce glared at me and said “I had only seen you once” Yes, thanks, I know I should go down to help out more often. I dun bother to explain too much, just admit it is my fault that I did not manage my time well. Though I do not really have the official duty to go down to help but I did say yes to help her out. Oh well, started work with the costumes. They needed people who can sew, hence I offered my help. Stupid sewing machine kept screwing up, I had to keep doing IA ten over times before it can work smoothly with occasional screw up. People around me can hear me cursing the machine all the time. I was damn hungry and emotionally unstable for some reason. Finished sewing up the dancers’ costumes, it was around 3pm. Joyce came over. Then I realized she is not in charge of costumes, so I wasn’t actually helping her… Never mind la, it is still float afterall. Got advance theory test at 6.55pm so I rushed to have dinner first.

Then suddenly recall got to transfer some fund and it had to be done by 5pm. I was walking towards NUH already, so I made a detour back to Science Fac’s ATM. It was out of service. I was hungry, and, shag, and everything bad. No choice, got to get out of school first in case the fund was not transferred in time. Went to the bus stop, 95 just came. I ran, but couldn’t catch it. It would take 15 min at around 4pm for the next bus to come. So I walked out of the school to take a bus to jurong east. Maybe it was my weak knees, I tripped and fell. Stupid me… Managed to get onto the bus safely, reached Jurong East MRT. Everyone walking past me kept looking at me, I think I look like I am some sick person, all pale and haggard. Got the money transferred on time, but really too weak to walk to the entertainment center. So boarded the train to yio chu kang. Stepped out of the station, I suddenly felt so faint, so I sat down in one corner and guess what I fell asleep.

Luckily in the end got to eat dinner and went for my theory test. But god knows why I must have a stomachache at the point of time when I was just about to start my actual test. Shit, so once again I experienced the feeling of prolonged expanded anus throughout the whole test. Fortunately one good thing happened: I passed.

Something happened at night again. Why must some things turned out like this... Slept late...

This morning I realize why I felt so weak on Friday cos I am falling sick. Woke up with a very very bad flu plus aching all over. Woke up late as well, so rush like mad for my tuition, didn’t even wear my contact lens, think my eyes too puffy to wear also. So I wore my army specs, which was a stupid choice. It was badly scratched and everything was blurry the whole day.

Luckily managed to catch the shuttle bus into my student’s place. Thankfully today she did not make me puke too much. Then I left to catch the shuttle bus out after lesson, but apparently my luck was still as bad. There were 2 lifts, but due to a construction work on the top floor, one lift is fully utilized by the workers, leaving us with only one available for use. I pressed the down button and waited. The worker’s lift came up and opened at my floor but I couldn’t go in cos they were transporting cement. Since this lift was up, the other one remained at the ground floor. I waited for the present lift to close then I pressed again. The worker’s life went up then came down again and opened at my floor. Still couldn’t get in, someone was transporting wood planks down. The other lift remained at ground floor. I waited for the lift to close again before I pressed the button again. Fortunately this time round the bloody lift at ground floor came up, but it went all the way up to the top floor first, before coming down to my floor. When it opened, nobody was inside. Why did it go to the top floor? Cos the worker at the top floor pressed the button, then realize they cannot use this remaining lift meant for residents to use. Damn freaking irritating. It took me more than 5 minutes to get out of that building, and I missed my shuttle bus. F.**k…

So what to do? Walked out of the place under the freaking sun. I was wearing black, plus my army glasses, which is damn blurry, plus the stupid hot sun today, I was sweating like hell. It totally reminded me of army days…

I reached the bus stop and realized I left my EZ link card at home in a hurry. No choice got to pay to take a bus to SSDC. Had intended to renew my PDL there, but when I reached there, the lady at the information counter said I have to renew at the post office. I know I can renew at post office, but is it a must for me to go there? Yes, apparently, I was shocked. Your school can issue PDL but cannot renew?! Gosh, wasted trip. I had wanted to go to amk post office to get it done, then go home book a test date, but I dun have my ez link card how to take a bus there. By the time I go home take then go there, it would be closed by then! Sianz…

So in the end, I had to walk all the way home from SSDC, which is walkable distance, but under the sun with my runny nose and aching body, can you imagine how it was like for me… Plus all the negative emotions and foul mood. It was to such an extent I prayed maybe a car should just come and ram me. I was so irritated and fed up. Things that I had been unhappy about already compounded with what had happened today. I reached the carpark. For some freaking reason, there was a stupid jam up inside there, affecting the link from minor road to a major road. And I have to cross that major road, but due to this stupid long queue, I stood there for 5 minutes before I can cross the road.

When I reached home, my bag was full of used tissue paper. My mum realized the black aura radiating from me and decided to leave me alone first, thankfully. By right got class dinner this evening one, in the end my brother came back and say bring my mum out to eat since today is her birthday. With my stupid runny nose, I was force to go out. But one thing is at least nobody dares to ask me to carry ziyan.

From just now till now, all I can do is to drown myself with water. Water in from mouth, out from nose the next moment. So irritable today! Gosh, let’s pray tomorrow would be a nice day and also the day after and after and after… Grr… I feel so sick and tired….